Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
I'm not sure if I've said this anywhere yet, but I'm out of school.
I have been for about a week, which means I've been lazy for about a week.
My grades closed after finals and I hate myself. I ended bring my GPA down from a 4.0, to a 3.8.
My parents don't care, they're just happy I'm doing well in school. But I feel like I let myself down. I could have done so much better; in Spanish I know I could have.
I hate comparing myself to anyone, but I'm doing it now. My best friend has a 5.0. Gah, one of my twin brothers, who is the same grade has a 4.0. The other has the GPA that I do, which makes me feel better, except I've always thought of him as the 'slow' twin. Ah, fml.
I feel rather foolish and sad, I haven't been talking to many people lately. I apologize for this, I can't really talk to people right now. I talk to a selective few who were there for me during the event and now. Some came after and are helping me though this. I often refer to it as my therapy in my head, how sad is that? I'm getting back into talking to others, I'm feeling better about it honestly.
My heart still hurts, oh how it hurts. But I'm fighting through this, I had a bit of a relapse a few minutes ago, and I wanted nothing more than to talk to him. I can't though, he's an ocean away, and it just isn't possible.
I find it so easy to pretend he was false, a fantasy my subconscious dreamed up to help get me through life. Sadly, a fantasy is what I wished it had been. They are so easy to forget, the pain is only there for a moment in your mind. Sometimes I pretend he was all a dream. A lovely, amazing dream that I wouldn't give anyone else. A dream that turned into a nightmare.
Sometimes though, when I have no friends around to stop me, when I don't have to pretend for anyone to be happy, I think about him. I let my mind go over everything we ever said to each other. I try to pinpoint when exactly I fell in love with him. I however have found this impossible. So I think about the promises we've made, and I wonder if he's kept any. I wonder what he's doing. Who he talks to, if he still dreams about me. Most of all I wonder if he wonders about me. I wonder if he ever really loved me.
Ah, I hadn't meant to write quite as much. Moving on.
For those of you who don't know, and for those of you who do. I'm going to England this summer. I'm very excited about this, more so than anything in my life. I'll have to fly, and I'm so afraid of heights and flying. But Jack did a huge guilt trip thing on me, so now I have to go in a plane. I mean I can't drive across the ocean; although I wish it were that simple.
I refuse to go on a ship. I outright refuse, so I kind of have to fly. I may be terrified of flying, it only doubles with ships. I watched Titanic far too many times as a child. I shall use that as my excuse anyway.
I'm leaving a day after my birthday, July twenty-first. My mum will not let me go by myself, so I'm having my friend Ali come along. We're going to get lost, spill things, get yelled at, and that's just in the Airport.
I honestly can't wait, going to England has been my dream since I was small and my
great-grandmother talked about it. Of course the England she knew was slightly different. Hahha, and she honestly didn't remember much about it. [And no, I'm not talking about the Mayflower...] She came over years later.
I'll be in England for a while. Hanging with Jack, I'm so excited I can really hug him! Seeing some sights, some forests, since I love forests. Having a very wonderful time, and taking thousands of pictures. A few weeks into August, I'll be flying back to America with Ali. Not to my home gladly, I'll be flying to Michigan and acting as mailman to Djayy. Of course she'll like seeing me, well I hope so. I won't be able to stay there long at all, I'll be flying home after a few days and starting my senior year.
Ah. Senior year, that's such a scary thought, along with being eighteen. Not knowing where I'll live for my last year of high school. College applications. Grants. Scholarships. The ACT. Pep rallies. Parties. Loves. Heartache. Yearbooks. Pictures. Saying goodbye to people I love. Moving out into the real world, no longer sheltered. Mostly the unknown scares me, the unknown is all we ever have to fear.
Oh, I'll save all of that for another time. I have a whole summer ahead of me before I start thinking about this. A whole summer to forget about my broken heart. To leave so many things in the past. I have a whole summer to make memories, that I hope I'll never regret.
Kudos if you actually read this.
I know some of us have had some tough times, and I regret this, I wish things hadn't been said, if I could take it back, however, I wouldn't. I try not to regret anything. It has helped shape us into who we are, and the people we will be. But, I want you to promise you'll always remember that I love you, whatever happens. If I talk to you in the next five minutes or never again. I want you to remember I love you. I want you to know you've made an impact on my life, and I will never forget you.
Endlessly, she said.
-Kitt
