Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a past time. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
It's been like 6,000 years since I've touched my computer. I'm here though, and like I said, my face hurts. I got a root canal yesterday. I want some fucking Loritabs, goddammit! This fucking tooth has been causing me some trouble. I broke it a few months ago. It didn't give me any pain, so I just kept it clean, but it became absessed and then, suddenly, I had A LOT of pain. I went to the dentist, and they did an open drain on it. That means they drilled out the decay of the tooth and cut my gum to drain the absess and infection, packed it with anti-bacterial medicine and cotton and covered it. That was awful for 4 days, and I missed sleep and work. yesterday was the root canal. Boo.
I'm almost done with my x-mas shopping, and I'm not doing cards this year, as I am depressed and lazy.
Work is going okay, and I go as often as I can. I am so excited to see my family for Christmas. I really need to have them around me, even if they are all loud, I love them.
I went to see the new Bond movie, and I was okay, but it felt disjointed somehow...
I'm randomly rambling today. I'm focusing on my tooth rather than thoughts, I think. I really just wanted to stop by and say hello.
OH YEAH, I'm down 15 pounds! YAY
It's been a million years since I have been online. Sorry. In the time I've been gone, election day has come and gone, my personal situation has calmed and flared and calmed and I am still confused, my puppy has been diagnosed with Arthritis and Tedonitis in his hind legs and work is work. I also watched Ergo Proxy and Elfen Lied, both of which I really, really liked. Tidy little sum up there, eh?
My sister came to visit for a bit, and that was fun. She was in town for a college thing and stayed for an extra day and a half. I like her, she gets a thumbs up.
In all reality, I am having more bad days then good lately. I'm irritable and tired and when I'm not those, I'm sad. I have limited amounts of hapy time, and it's taking it's toll at work where I get frustrated with and mean to my coworkers way too easily...not to mention customers. Pete, call in and get me and pretend to have acct problems so I can just talk to you all day.
I guess I already email you all day. I can't expect you to save me more than that... heheh
There's good stuff too, I'm sure. I tend to focus on the negative. For like 5 years running my New Years resolution has been to focus on the positive more. I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet. I try, but it's been a little overwhelming and I'm tired a lot from trying to hide my anger and depression from those around me. It took a couple of months, but it actually has gotten to that point, and I am thinking of the antidepressant meds when I see my doctor the first week of December. I really just want the easy way out this time, and I'm not going to fight anyone on medicating me this time. I used to hate it, not I just want it. Have I given up? or am I just realizing that I may need help on this one?
I love you all, and gratefully accept your thoughts and even prayers to the diety of your choice. I don't want pity or worry though. That's not why this is here. I vent and put all the bad stuff here, not for pitty or attention, but because this is my safe harbour. My family and friends don't know about this page, and I can be much more expressive since they don't.
Jordan was over last night cause I tree in front of my house lost some large branches in a windstorm a few days back, and I invited him to watch HellBoy 2, cause I really like it. He stayed and watched it, but he had a headache. He was going to go home,but I had hidden his hat. he was kind of pissed and held my phone hostage until I gave it back. I was just playing around, and I didn't mean to piss him off, so I was really relieved this morning to get a text from him asking whether to get the Outlaw Star box set or the SoltyRei. I find it annoying that I can't skip the SoltyRei preview on one of my Beck discs, so I said Outlaw Star.
He invited me over and he made lunch and watched some Outlaw Star. It was unexpected and nice. Sadly completely plutonic. There is a new number that he has started texting in the last few days, and there is a lot of texting. Do not give me realism about one or both of us moving on. I don't want realism, I just want to vent about it.
Why did he send me a text last saturday night/sunday morning at 3 am? All it said was, "I'm so tired and lonely." How is that fair? He apologized the next day. He was really drunk, and said while it's true, he has no right to burden me with that. He's right, but I'm glad he did it. I'm worried about him, and I want to know how he is, he's still very important to me. It just may lead to false hope, and that's not the mindset I need to have.
My little page here hit 1,000 views overnight. Thank you for your visits and concerns.. Much love!
I haven't been doing much lately, just sleeping and chilling with Amy and working. Lots of sleeping, an offensive amount of sleeping, and I kind of like it.
I have a dream. It's the only dream that I remember recurring. I've had it for a very long time, but I've rarely told anyone about it. I dream that I died. I dream that I am dead, and no one comes to my funeral. It is my body, in an ornate box and a priest going through a service, but no one else is there. No friends, no family, no one. It is the manifestation of my deepest, darkest fear. The fear that in life and in death I am forgettable, utterly and totally. It may stem from a lonely childhood where I didn't fit in, it may be completely irrational. I had that dream twice this week. I wake up frightened, but mostly I wake up sad.
I have a new fear. It coincides with this one though. I am very afraid that the most important person to me that I have ever encountered is not just forgetting me, but doing it very easily. It frightens me, it makes me sad, but it really just hurts. Everyday he doesn't call or text or come home, I fade from him a little more. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or forgetful. I stole that from Robin Hood (the disney version).
I went to the zoo today, and it was awesome. I went with a few friends, and one of them brought his daughters. They were so well behaved. I was so impressed. I almost felt a little biological clocking, but not a lot.... They were super sweet kids though, and they held my hand as we walked around. They would just sneak up behind me and slip their hand into mine. It kind of warmed my heart. Some random kid kind of hugged on my leg before looking up and seeing I wasn't his mom. I got a nice chuckle out of that. Come to think of it... There's a playground in the zoo right near the gorilla enclosure. As I was watching my friend's children play, a different random child just walked up to me and said, "I'm trying to find my mom." It kind of freaked me out. I just asked who her mom was and she pointed at her and said, "That one." Weird kid. What is it with kids thinking I'm trustworthy?
I have a stomach ache and a heaedache. I hope it's not the start of something. I'm totally glad that tomorrow is Friday. Not for any particular reason, I had an easy week. I think it's just inbedded at this point.
I've been in tech training all week long. It's alright. Nothing all that exciting. 4 days off the phone was pretty great though.
It's Thursday, and I have no new craziness to report. When was my last craziness? Sunday? I've barely talk to him this week. Just him texting me about Paul Newman's death and some stuff about the dogs. I went to the doctor on Monday, and she put me on Paxil. I can't remember if I mentioned that or not already. It makes me sleepy. I hope it works. I already feel calmer, but I think it's just settling...
I talk to my best friend last night. She broke up with her long time boyfriend not long ago, and had mentioned to me that they still talk everyday. I wanted to ask her the circumstances of that. Why it was, if there's still feeling kindle-able there, if he wants her to come back ect... I just have a morbid curiousity of how these things work now.
I made Amy watch Iron-Man with me. It was quite enjoyable. I fell asleep for part of it though. Thank you, Paxil...
Jenny Craig is going alright. I kind o feel like I'm eating all the time, actually. I did have one french fry yesterday... and a piece of cake today... but those are really my only cheats. Most of the food is pretty good. I didnt like the enchilada I had for lunch yesterday, but 1 out of a whole week isn't bad.
