Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a past time. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
So Facebook has the status bar. It says "Molly is" and then I'm supposed to fill in something. Right now I am a box, and I think I shall continue to be random objects. It's better than emotion.
My doctor medicated me. Gave me Paxil for anxiety. I'm glad. I asked her for something. My mom thought it was a good idea when I told her. I didn't want anything for depression or anything, just anxiety. I don't want to hyperventilate at the slightest thing anymore.
I went to see a new doctor today. I really like her. She put me very at ease, and listened to what I had to say. She has a really good bedside manner, and I appreciate it. She seems like the kind of doctor who actually went into medicine to help people, and not for prestige or money. I have had so many doctors who are just inattentive and don't care what the patient has to say. It's a nice change and maybe I wont got 3 yearss without a doctor visit now.
I'm sitting here watching Firefly. I'm yawning and I'm so tired. I didn't sleep well last night, cause I'm a crazy. Luckily when I told Brother Victor, he also didn't think I was insane and that some craziness is not necessarily justified, but forgivable. However it is not suggested for longterm behavior.
The writing is on the wall, and I know what I know. I am getting it, I really am. It's just hard. I'm whiny and repetitive. If you visit, I'm sorry I'm not more entertaining.
I'm venting about my personal woes, again. If you're tired of it, skip the spoilers. There will be real stuff afterward.
I have officially lost my mind. Thank god for my sister, and her loving, patient and nonjudgemental ear. But yeah, I'm a lunatic. The exact kind of lunatic Im trying so hard not to be. I was checking out the phone bill online. I see an 800 number on Jordan's phone and I look it up like a crazy. It's to one of those "chat with live singles in your area" lines. double-you tee eff, really. I flipped the fuck out. I didn't know what to do. I am completely unprepared for 1)him to be gone and 2)him to move on! My sister did her best to bring me back to reality. It's just so out of character for him. I was almost more shocked than hurt. I wanted to call him and ask, but that's ridiculous. I flipped out, like I said. I got in my car, and just started driving around. Of course eventually I drove past his house, something I don't often do. Trouble is, he was just getting home from riding his motorcycle, and I'm pretty sure that I was caught. Then I felt stupid.
What made it worswe, after I thought about it, he called it on Saturday. I went and hung out with him on Saturday night, I was there from like 6:30 to 10 and I had a really nice evening. Then two and a half hours later, he's calling Dial A Mate to chat with live, local singles. I get it, you're lonely. WHy not come home and we can try to work it out, and then we wont be lonely. I really wish it had just been a sex line. I could deal much better about that. It would still be a shock and out of character, but I wouldn't feel so threatened.
I went and saw Eagle Eye this weekend. It was predictable fun, and the car chase was way fun. Shia LeBouf was good, and it was nice the see Billy Bob Thornton not being the guy from Bad Santa. It was really well paced and never lagged. The girl, whose name I never remember, was also really good.
I joined Jenny Craig this week. I'm so not used to eating in the morning, and I can't finish the breakfasts. I think it can work though. I need the structure and the accountability. I'm not excited about next week when I drop to 1200 calories a day.
I am chilling watchin' High Fidelity. I'm kinda into movies that have a split up and a reconcile at the end. I'm still pretty stuck on Eternal Sunshine...
Oh My God, I'm Charlie Nicholson.... I'm shallow and I think I'm not and I never shut up. I'm terrible, and my friends kind of are too... Not really, but forgive me a little self loathing today.
I'm back to crying. I cant help it. Thank you for your comment, John. Jordan and I still talk and we are friendly, and it's hard as fucking shit. I don't want to have him not be part of my life, I'm just a bit picky about what part he plays in it. I'm so uncomfortable, even at thing I do normally. I just feel so out of sorts and off kilter. I feel like I'm holding my breath all the time.
I was talking about it with a friend tonight, and like I told her, "I can easily live without him, but I don't want to. I'm a responsible, smart, independent person. I just want him to share my life with me."
I got a new battery for my lappy today. Hopefully I can get a good length out of it. My original battery did not live long enough!
"Only people of a certain disposition are afraid of being left alone for the rest of their lives at 26. We were of that disposition." I love this movie.
I wonder, selfishly, if he thinks of me. I hope, but do not think, he does. I want to consume all his thoughts like he does mine! I want him to miss me, and I want him to come home.... How sick is it that if he showed up tomorrow, I would let him in and not look back.
I'm so sick of thinking and talking aobut it, but it's all I think about, all the time. Even when I'm distracted or working or hanging out... I just think about this situation, trying to figure out what to do, or how to feel or just what went wrong...
In the jukebox o her memory, a list of names slips by and stops...
I think that one of my teeth might be infected. Much discomfort.
Is it completely wrong of me to hate myself for no crying in a couple of day and for feeling like I'm normalizing? I don't want to get used to life without him. I am doing it though, whether I like it or not. I guess that's a positive in the long run, but anyone who knows me knows I live through the movies. Things like this always work out in the movies. I just suddenly decided I hate the movies.
Musically I've moved from Ani Difranco to Counting Crows. My Pandora.com radio stations keep playing Dave Matthews at me. Go to hell, Dave! I haven't turned on my TV since Sunday... What have I been doing? Music and puzzles. That and staring blankly at my journal, trying to write bad poetry.
This weeke has been excusiatingly long. I tried to not talk to him all week, but I didn't make it. I called him tonight, asking if he took all the antibiotics I gave him. I really think me tooth is infected.
Don't think I'm getting over it, I'm still excedingly sad. I'm just learning to come to grips that I won't change it
I've been really wanting to write some poetry lately, but I'm so blocked. I spew verbage all day, every day but I can't artfully put a few lines together. It's kind of sad. Let's write a poem about that!
Unispired
Staring at my empty page,
Feeling like I've been assigned homework.
I so want to cover it
In words so artful they paint.
Yet all I lend is
Bad metaphors and cliche.
Stolen Imagery.
Words escape my grasp
As I embrace my lacking.
Even the irony seems flat.
Adjectives are tired and overused.
Emotion is pointedly missing.
Whatever is to become of this
sad little thought?
Who will remember it?
Who would want to?
Heavy and self-loathing,
Yet lacking depth.
I hear many voices of my teachers now.
Overuse of "lacking"...
Fuck you, critic!
Stream of consciousness poetry has no artistry,
Form and rhyme,
That's what poems need,
what makes them worth our time!
Who caged the poem?
Made all these laws and rules?
It's cruelty to the words,
Unjust to the thoughts and emotions.
I don't feel in rhyme,
And I don't weep in rhythm.
