Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a past time. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
My view count was at 666 for a long time today.
A friend of mine described jordan's recent brush off of me as a "bandaid goodbye." I guess it seriously fits. He had separated himself from me long ago, and that's why it looks so easy for him. This is a decision that was made long ago that took a long time to voice, and he had to wait until he was safely out of the house to do it. I've described it a little over the last few months. We would sit around and barely acknowledge each other, he would wait until he knew I was asleep before coming to bed and we stopped having sex. I had myself convinced we were just in a funk, and that it would turn out alright because I believed he loved me, but he hadn't even said that in over a year, except in response to my telling him. Even with all this, my frustration growing, my affection and love for him never waning or lessening. I just wanted to do anything I could to help him. I never thought I would lose him. I never saw I was losing him. I guess I'm really good at denial.
I need to go to work tomorrow, cause when I'm around people, I do much better. Being home alone makes me feel ill. I can't explain it, as soon as I'm alone in my house, my stomach just clinches down on itself and I want to vomit. I just want to wallow, and I'm so terrible at it. I did alright yesterday, it's just not a long term state for me... I get really restless, so I cry while I fidget. I've been sleeping a lot. A LOT and I'm still totally tired. I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated because I cannot drink enough of anything to keep up with the tears leaving my body.
It's unfair to say, but I'm so tired of hearing, "I'm sorry," from anyone who I tell the story to. I really want some insight and advice, no one has any. The one person who could give me some insight can't or won't or some perverse combination of the two. Is it wrong that I cannot accept, "I don't know," as a fundamental reason for the end of my marriage and relationship with the one I love? Is it wrong that I am having a hard time letting go and still want him to just come home. Even with him telling me there's no chance my denial still runs, slight though it may be. Does that just make me sad? I'm afraid it does. Not that I care about peoples' perceptions, it's the truth that I'm interested in. Everyone always makes fun of the movie line from Brokeback Mountain, the one where Jake Gyllenhal yells, "I wish I knew how to quit you!" I think I get it.
I didn't go to work yesterday or today. I'll probably go tomorrow. I still feel sick to my stomach, and I am still sad. Sadness is quickly giving way to anger and bitterness, which I don't need. It's understandable, but I don't need it.
In some excellent, exciting news, my loan application go approved, and my credit card debt will be giving way to regular grown-up loan debt. This is an improvement due to 1) the interest rate is FIXED 2) it will not continue to grow. 3) Lower monthly payments 4) after 3 years, I will be debt free
There's my little ray of sunshine.
My big black cloud still lingers, though. Jordan won't answer phone calls from me, he just communicates with me via text or email. Completely written correspondence. That make me feel like a divorce proceding is imminent, and all our dealings need to be recorded. I swear to God, if I get served with divorce papers, they are going straight into my shredder. I am not giving him a divorce. I will go to court and have a judge order counciling. That way he can't just refuse me. I don't want him to go away.
I did take him to the bike shop this morning. He asked me yesterday, and for some ridiculous reason, I said yes. I didn't really talk to him, and I really just wanted to hit him. He's ruining my life! The life I want to have with him, he's ruined the whole thing. At least I have stopped crying, I guess.
How can he say what he said to me this weekend, and then ask for a favor come Monday? It's shitty. I swear, I might die.
This is a post of self-indulgent babbling.
In an effort to end the suffering of my false hope, Jordan told me this weekend that he is not coming back to me, and that our marriage is over. Very kind of him, eh? It actually is, but I am having a hard time accepting it as that. When he left a few weeks ago, he wasn't sure, or he told me he wasn't sure. He is sure now, and I want to curl into a ball and disappear.
I once again pleaded my case and begged him to reconsider his finalized stance. I told him that it's not fair that he is making all these decisions that effect the rest of our lives by himself, and that we haven't even tried to help or fix anything. He is so uneffected by it, too. He doesn't seem sad or upset or to even miss me. That makes me feel insignificant.
He says he loves me, and I cannot figure out why that is not a reason to try and fix it. He is very fatalistic about it. He just tells me that we now need and want different things and that we are not the same people that we were when we met and fell in love. He could stay, but nothing would change and we would end up hating each other. I can't make him stay, and I can't have him sacrifice something that may make him happy just to stay in a marriage that has been going bad for a while, but I can't just accept that the man I want to spend my life with can just give up on that without trying to fix it. People change, yes, but when you've pledged to spend your life with someone you should help each other grow and nuture each other's change. Growing together is an important aspect of marriage. If people stayed the same as they were when they were 20, then life might be terrible.
I am a fool, and I thought that letting him move out might help. It was unrealistic. If you love something, let it go, right? Whatever. I am hurt and confused and I feel abandoned and rejected. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm just supposed to accept and move or, or if I should fight for what I want. Even the most levelheaded of girls visits crazytown at times like these. I am unprepared to accept or cope with this.
Alight this is an adult rated post. It's my log of what's going on with me, and it's not for you and I'm going to whiney and bitter. I'm going to talk about my marriage and this post will contain content that may be inappropriate for YOU.
I'm stupid and I'm tired of it. I was home last night, and I was fidgetty and bored, and I decided to drive down and drive past Jordan's house. I'm ashamed of this in the first place, leave me alone. Anyway, I was driving past Barleycorn's, the bar on the way to his house, and there he was, standing outside. I stopped breathing for 5 minutes, I swear. It also felt like my stomach dropped right out of my body. The man who sat and sulked on my couch for months and would not even go out to dinner with me is out at a bar on a Tuesday. What the fuck? Come on... Well, I did an uncommon freak out, and called Blair. She kind of calmed me down. I got in touch with Jonathan, and he was just getting off work, and I told him that was going to the Shamrock for a drink, cause I could not be home.
So, I was out with Jonathan. We had a couple of beers and a good time. I didn't even talk about Jordan, cause that would have made me suck. There was guy at the bar who rents and my BBV, and we kind of recognized each other and he laughed cause he now knows that we (Jonathan and I) were real people and not just Blockbuster people. He asked if he was right in remembering that I had a kid not too long back, and I said yes. We were in conversation, talking about a DUI close call I had once and he jokingly said my kid needs a better mom. I told him it was okay, I gave the kid up for adoption. He freaked out and felt bad and left. Take that, motherfucker.
Anyway, after we had our beers, I left. As I was getting in my car (no worries, I only had 2 beers over a 2 hr period) I called Jordan, cause I was feeling catty. He asked what I was doing, and I told him leaving The Shamrock. He gleefully told me that I was only a few blocks from him. I asked where he was, as if I didn't know. He said he was walking home from Barleycorns, and he had been there to see some guitarist. I felt a little better at that, since he wasn't just 'out' he had a purpose. I drove toward him,still on the phone with him, hoping to pick him up, since he was walking. He got home before I found him, but I did make fun of him due to the fact that he was unable to unlock his door.
So, I went to his house, and the second I walked in the door, I felt it was a good place for him. It's so much less cluttered, and there's so much less stuff. It suits him better and I felt stupid for not realizing how out of place he would be in our ridiculously stuff filled house. I have felt for a while I have too much stuff, and now I want to throw out almost everything in my house. Not to get him back, I just don't need this crap. He had bought a bunch of stuff he didn't have, kitchen stuff, mostly.
We sat and talked for a long while, about many different things. Eventually I kissed him, and he kissed me back. Thank god. Full blown make out, and it was fun. Eventually, it moved on, and I was shocked, because it was his move. I left almost immediatley after, but it was 3:30 am, and we were both extremely tired. I was satisfied, and kind of happy, but I feel weird about it. I wonder if he made that move since he got me hot and bothered, or if he actually wanted to. I am also just thinking today, "Which one of us was using the other?" That's jaded and wrong, isn't it?
My little old lady neighbor invited me over for tea on Sunday. She's a widow, and we were both lonely ladies with nothing to do. I was over at her house for like an hour and a half. It was pleasant. She's a nice lady.
Sometimes I think I'm alright, and then it just takes one thing. Liz came home from Virginia this week, and I had to catch her up on my life, and I cried the whole way through the story... Then when I got home, the only thing in the mail was the confiation of Jordan's mail forwarding... I got really sad and gorged my self on icecream and peanut butter M&Ms. Now I feel like crap emotionally and physically.
Jordan knows a guy at work whose boyfriend was in a drag show last night, and the guy invited Jordan to come see due to the fact thta they hang out sometimes. Well, I get a text at like 1:20 am from Jordan. I was totally prepared for a request for a ride home due his being drunk, but NO. It was just conversation, I guess he was kind of bored at the bar, and he had nothing better to do than text me from the gay bar, asking why the gay dudes were so attentive to him. I advised him that 1) He's actually rather attractive, and 2) They've never seen him before and I would imagine that the gay community in Wichita is rather smallish and they probably latch onto anyone who seems new, gay or not.
We texted back and for for a while after that even after he got home... It confuses me, but I like it at the same time. I'm so stupid, and I'm okay with that.
My local Wendy's raised the cost of Nuggets to 1.19. That's a 20% increase! I'm furious!
