Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a past time. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
I had a really weird dream last night that while setting up for a a high school dinner theatre fundraiser, I decided to ride a horse through the mall. Randomly this child grabbed on and rode the horse with me. It was our son. He was there at the carousel by himself and no one was with him.
I'm still listening to Ani DiFranco over and over when I don't have NPR onthe radio... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind seems to be on endless replay as well. That and High Fidelity.
I chopped alost a foot off my hair. Wanna see?
There you go. It's the shortest I've ever had it, except when I was 6 years old and I had a Prince Valiant haircut. What? I was six. You gonna make something of it? *threatening gesture*
I watched the first 13 episodes of Buso Renkin this week. It's fun with alchemy, and monsters and whacky bad guys and magicl warrior girls and a hero that can't let anyone else die. A lot of wonderful stereotype or archetypes (sp) that draw us to this chosen hobby.
I really want potato chips... I don't have any.
I had a thought today. I descibed it as a worm eating my brain. Liz really wants to stay in Virginia. She is loving it. She says that I should transfer there with her. I am actually really thinking about it. I am either in the wrong state of mind and emotion to make that decision, or it's perfect timing. I have lived in the same house for 3 years now... That's totally strange for me.
I won't lie. Part of it is coming from a completely passive aggressive place. I was told by Jordan that, "we just want different things in life," while I was integrating him into all my thought processes and decisions. I kind of want to move just to see if he'd ask me to stay, or just leave and not tell him and see if he's even effected. Of course, how would I even know? That's just giving up, and that sucks. I don't really want to come to terms with this. I want to be outraged, and depressed. I just don't know what to do.
I'm about to dribble about random relationship crap now, so you can skip down a bit now it you want.
God, how can I want to talk to him everyday, and still try and convince myself I am ready to live without him forever. On which point am I fooling myself. Why can I not cry about it, and why am I barely sad. It's only been 2 weeks. Am I actually over it? Was I over it long ago and just in denial? Am I not over it at all and just avoiding the whole thing? When he's here, I just want to touch him and kiss him and interact with him. When he's not, i think about him, but I'm not sad, at least I am confused and restless. I'm mean and passive aggressive and I just want to know that he misses me and he's as confused as I am. How can I half want to share everything with soemone and half wantnothing else to do with them?
Done with dibble.
I am entirely TOO happy that it was only like 65 degrees today. SUPER AWESOME GREAT! Haha, I was on the phone today, and Helena (my supervisor) jokingly challenged me to tell some caller that whatever they called about was the Republicans' fault. I am so totally actually contemplating that.
God, George Bush is a terrible speaker...
Vote Schinstock 2008!
It's 5 PM on Monday, and I'm so bored I almost wished I was working... I don't know what's up with me, but I've been waking up really early. It's very annoying when I get all my shit done early, and that leaves me all alone for the afternoon and evening.
I called my sister today, and poor Becky is sick as hell... I also tried to call the vet just on an off hope. Of course, they were closed for Labor Day, but I thought I'd try. He doesn't want to put weight on his left hind leg and he has these spots on his haunches that he is scratching bare. I need to take care of my baby dog. I'm also thinking of getting a new puppy as well, but what if I have to get a new place to live? Finding a place to rent when I have 3 dogs would be difficult. I already have 2 dogs that don't listen, do I need a third? No, but I WANT ONE. Maybe I'll just volunteer at the Humane Society.
I sat down and reevaluated my finances today. Being a single income household is a different experience. I'll be fine, but I'll have to tighten up on the impulse buys. Necessities first. Anyone moving to Kansas? I may want a roommate! I didn't figure in groceries or gasoline.... maybe I will really need to tighten my belt... Dollar Menu, Baby!
My plants are dying... I need a Horticulturist! Save them!
I really want to get a couple of tattoos, however, as mentioned in a previous paragraph, I am without the fundage. I want a compass on top of my left foot, one like on old style maps. I need to find some direction in my life. I also want XIII on my right foot, since I have no luck. a sun on the under side of my left wrist and a crescent moon on the underside of my right. I'm taking donations to the Molly Modification fund, Help Decorate the Molly!
I've been listening to Ani DiFranco almost nonstop for days now, and I can barely identify the reason to that. She's great, yes. However, I'm sure there's a deeper reason. If you don't know who I'm talking about, find out as soon as possible.
I am spending a lot of time out of the house, just hangin' with other folks. Everyone wants to take care of me, and its good to know I have such great friends. I am so grateful, and while I'm not happy about my current circumstances, I am glad it makes me appreciate those close to me.
I talked to Matt today for a good while. He talked to Jordan on Monday night and called to see how I was doing. I was dying for the chance to talk to him, but I was hesitant to be the one to call because I don't want to make things awkward for him and make it seem like I want him to pick sides. I would hate to think that I would put people in that position. He's my friend though, and I trust his opinion and insight over many others, so it was nice to have a chance to chat with him. The uncomfortable part was that he called as Jordan was over to mow the lawn and I was talking to Matt in the bedroom and Jordan was sitting out on the couch. It just seemed strange and I felt a little restrained as to what I could say.
I worked 12-2:30 at Blockbuster today. It was supposed to be 12-5, but I didn't feel like working, and I flaked out. I got a pedicure instead. Anyway, I ws supposed to be out of my house from 12-5, and Jordan knows this. He has a key and can let himself in and stuff... At 5:30ish I get a phone call. He wants to know if it's okay that he come over and mow my lawn. I told him he is welcome anytime and doens't have to ask permission. Why did he wait until he knew I would be home to do it. He had most of the day to do it without seeing me. Then he stayed and watched a movie with me. Yes, it's nice to be with him, and I asked him to see me and hang out with me once in a while, but it confuses me. He sits next to me, and allows me to hold his hand and responds mildly to me affections. I like it, but I am still highly confused by it, as is he, I think. He does love me, and is finally showing signs of it. But while I have hope, who knows if it will be enough? We are both still wearing our rings, and I am glad to see that.
I tried to put pen to paper today, and not even bad poetry came forth... My feelings are so detached. I wanted to write something about the sounds of him being gone, but everything was terrible. The most noticeable thing about sounds to me is every car I hear on the street, I hold my breath and hope it stops, and it's him. Every single car, even though I know better. What is with that?
If no one has noticed, I'm tired of dancing around trying to find something else to talk about, and I'm laying a lot of my stuff right out there. I'm finally starting to believe that it's okay to be upset and not like it and after much prodding, my friends will not think me a burden to turn to them at a tie like this. In fact, they want me to lean on them. I just find it a difficult thing to do. How long is this? Kudos if you made it to the end...
My poor little niece, Regina, put her hand through the window and had to get stiches on her 6th birthday. Poor Kid.
I have a semi amusing story from work today. A guy called in and asked why his bill was $1000. That's totally shocking, I get that. I'm not inhuman. Basically they dude had 600 or so minutes of calls to several different countries ranging from $0.34 to $2.99 a minute. He told me that wasn't fair because he didn't know before hand. I graciously told him that it was HIS responsibilty to find out the cost, and we could not credit him as he had actually USED all those minutes. He continued to argue with me until I told him, "You can't go to the grocery store and eat a loaf of bread and then tell the cashier you didn't know it was $3." He told me I was mean and inflexible and that I'd never amount to anything in life. I am pretty sure that those attributes would take me pretty far in most business ventures. I felt pretty good about the whole thing.
I'm stealing from myself. I first wrote this for Mimmi's Literati Square, and I like it and it's kind of expressive. BTW, I know Mimmers has been really busy, but if you want to pop the Literati back together, I'd love to keep playing.
The raindrops peal like malicious laughter against the window pane. I sit quietly as Mother Nature ridicules me in my solitude. In the grip of perceived independence, I've never felt so confined. He has gone now, and he will not return, like a kite torn from it's owner by an unexpected gail, reckless in it's pursuit of destiny.
It's appropriate, the rain. It was raining that day too. The day I first saw him, tall, handsome and somehow looking at me. As he approached, I greeted him with a confused, "Hello." He held an umbrella and offered to share it with me. He didn't know me, didn't know where I was going. It was like he was placed there by something Divine, just for me. A bridge to what life should be, leading away from the monotony of my small circle of friends. He showed me so many places, and taught me so many things, and yet it always seemed to rain.
Then as he walk farther from me, a tug at my heart. Feeling as though it will pull straight through my sternum. The rain winds down as I stand at my window.
