Because I picture myself a wretched human being, I am feeling the need to share with my friends here the actual correspondence having taken place between myself and my spouse over the last few days.
ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS THIS RATED R FOR LANGUAGE
Molly November 11 at 1:23am
My anxiety is getting worse, as is my crazy and my depression. You might have noticed. I miss you a lot. More than I let myself know sometimes, and while I had no dillusions about happily, I expected you to be my ever after. Which is also still my desperate hope. I wish you hadn't so solidly given up on us. I miss you. I am still not opposed to casually seeing you, or dating, if you will.
On to the text I was selishly going to inflict on you. I am not all that excited that Miriam is back in your circle of vision. I only met her once, and that was without you. I just always felt by the tone of the stories you would tell me that, had I not been in the way, she would have made more of a move for you. Perhaps she did and you didn't tell me, perhaps I'm paranoid. Well, there's no perhaps about the last one.
I've always been kind of intimidated by the idea of her. Perhaps that stems from the fact that you were hanging out with her for a couple of weeks before you ever mentioned her when the two of you met. Even when we were together, and I was actively your spouse, I did not have a right to say who you could or couldn't hang out with. That's not what I'm trying to do now, either. I am just in a place of zero self esteem at the moment and I am reliving my ever present fear of replacement and being forgettable.
I really hate that our circle of friends never intersect. I'm also not wild that your ring is broken. I secretly thought several times about getting you another. Even though you are in a different house and we don't talk often, we are still married. I'll be married to you for 100 years even if you don't live in my house, my city, or my state. But if that's the case, marriage is still something I would expect to be respected, and if you did, or do, want to see someone else, end us first. I'm babbling, which is one of the reasons I never got around to sending the text.
I'm not cut out to be friends with you. I try really hard. As I told you before, I knew from two weeks after I met you that I wanted to spend my life with you. I adore every part of you. You make me laugh, you know more about me than anyone on the face of the earth. I still want to share every part of my life with you, and I want to know what's going on in your life as well. I don't want to be a crazy ex. I really try hard not to. I miss sitting next to you though, snuggled up against you, and I miss kissing you. You're rather good at it, you know.
I'm pretty sure that any attempt I was making at not being the "crazy" is being shattered by this note. Somehow I'm not sorry I wrote it. I love you, and I have from the day I met you. Damn you for that.
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Husband November 11 at 6:02pm
i dont really know how to respond to this.
I dont really know how to respond to anything.
I hesitated to mention that i was hanging out with miriam again for (i think) obvious reasons (im not entirely sure why i mentioned it at all, honestly, except that i hate to lie). I know youve never been cool with her (and lord knows i wasnt cool with her for a long time), and she did have a thing for me before, though not now. I was never interested in her as anything more than a friend and someone to hang out with, then or now. Im not interested in seeing anyone, but it is nice to have friends, even shallow ones.
I'm so sorry that ive hurt you so deeply. I try to do right by you (as right as i can), but im not sure if i make things better or worse and I cant be the thing you need. I worry about you.
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Molly November 11 at 11:06pm
The fact that you weren't going to tell me is hurtful while her reappearance is merely an annoyance. It also is an example of my thoughts that you are leaving me out, cutting me out, and that you were being cryptic in your text about hanging out with "some people." You did that shit while we were together too. you kept me at arm's length and never allowed me to be a part of you. You may love (or have loved) me, but you weren't ready to share yourself or your life. You never gave us a chance before you gave up on me.
What do you mean by you try to do right by me? I'm not being accusatory, the remark confuses me. I hope above hopes it doesn't mean that you are being nice to me or hanging out with me out of a sense of honour or necessity. I want you to like to spend time with me.
I really wish I hadn't lost my first version of this reply. It was rather witty. But I lost it and I can't remember enough of it to piece it back together.
I was somewhat unreasonably harsh earlier as I was texting you, and for that I apologize. It's not that it isn't true, but my delivery was deliberately mean.
You're worry for me, while noteworthy, is laughable because you do nothing to show it or to address it. Frankly, I am worried about me too. How are you so collected? How are you so unaffected? It hurts to see that your life exists so easily without me. I am a selfish person, I know that about myself. I am also used to getting what I want, even if I work for it, I'm still spoiled. Neither of these is the point, nor are they the reason you are important to me. You loved me, and you made me feel loved. You asked me to marry you, and you stood with me and vowed that we would spend our lives together.
You loved me, I know you did. And you will "always care for me." If you don't love me, caring about me just seems so demeaning. I feel like it is pity rather than actual feelings, though I hope that is not true. I think the last year has been more full of "hope" for me than ever before. False though it may be.
I am so hurt and I am so angry, yet I cannot hate you or even dislike you. I love you, and it's not fair that my feelings, my opinions and the effort gets no consideration in the decision. How do you get to make a unilateral decision like that? You say you can't be the thing I need. What is it you think I need? I don't need a bread winner, I don't NEED much. I need you to love me and to show me some fucking affection. If you can't love me, then you should have realized that long ago, and fuck you for taking me along on that ride. You keep saying you're sorry, but sorry doesn't fill the parts of me that are missing because I gave them to you.
I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being without you. You sell yourself short. You are the most important person or thing to ever enter my life. It's not meant to be a burden or give you pressure. I don't want you to be miserable, I want good things for you and for you to be happy. I want to be part of that happiness, as I said, I'm a selfish girl---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To which I have yet to get a response because he doesn't have internet. I hate everything and I am going to go live with penguins in antarctica
