“Why in the hell are you calling me? Shouldn't you be at work?” God, it's a good thing I love this woman.
“Well hel-freaking-lo to you too, princess. Turn down your kids, I need to talk to you.” Relating to her the events from the day before, I receive the necessary platitudes before being regaled with what a dumbass he is. God, it's a good thing I love this woman. Deciding alcohol therapy was still the way to go, we decide to meet for martinis. I feed the dogs before donning sunglasses and greeting the day. Meandering seamlessly through the foot traffic, I arrive at our brunch spot and get a table and read the paper while I wait.
Reading over bad news that make my personal despair seem small, I hear the chair pulled out beside me. Oh September, you joker, you. As I put my paper down I see none other than my boss. “I'd reprimand you for playing hooky, but you look like hell.” Can a sigh of resignation be a catchphrase? Setting down my paper I ask him if he would like the explanation. I order coffee instead of a martini and settle in for a chat. He almost laughed at me when I finished. “Stay home tomorrow too. I'll make the arrangement with Human Resources, and call you're mom.”
I must have looked like a confused child to him, so he continued. “I've been left by 3 wives. The first is the hardest, and the one that you don't get over. Don't worry, it'll be paid leave. Call your mother.” He paid for my coffee and walked away with a final parting bit of wisdom, “Lay off the booze and take a damn shower.” I laughed at him as he walked away wondering what just happened, and when he became human.
Through all that, my sister still hadn't arrived, so I called her. You have reached the voicemail...Hanging up I wondered what the hold up was. Suddenly famished, I ordered some food and the largest water they would bring me. My sister still hadn't arrived by the time my food had. As I started to cut up the mediocre looking eggs on my plate I heard footsteps approaching. I heard 2 people, so I kept my head down, watching my fingers as they clumsily maneuvered my knife. To my surprise the footsteps stopped at my table and there stood my sister with a pained look and my mother.
Shrugging as she sat down my sister's eyes begged for forgiveness. I picked up my coffee, suddenly wishing it had a large dose of whiskey in it. My head turned slowly to face the pitying eyes of my mother. “Hello, Mom, how nice of you to,” turning to look at my sister, “join us.”
“Taking off work just to haul your sister down your alcohol soaked Yellow Bricked Road?” Now I've never been a religious person, but the praying begins. I'm not sure my boss would be so forgiving about my going to jail. Breathing deeply, trying to sit up straight I smile and set down my coffee cup.
“I hate it when you reference movies, Mother. It never makes sense. But, yes, I'm taking off work today. Yes, I'm hungover like a wino and yes, I was going to get drunk with my sister, as by the end of the week, I will be yet another failure statistic. I have been asked for a divorce.”
“Well, why didn't you say so? I'll buy the first round. When it arrives, I shall toast to your good fortune.” Groaning I hide my head in my hands and order another coffee, bringing all eyes to me in surprise. “until today you've drank like you were growing new livers in a lab at home. Today, when you have reason, you stick with coffee?” Smiling sardonically, I shovel eggs in my mouth.
Alternating between quiet tears and slumping in defeat I tell my Mother how even my evil boss had more sympathy than she did. Unmoved she said that retail therapy was in order. I knew from experience this was an argument I would lose, I sighed my catchphrase and allowed her to buy new things for me that were not needed or welcome. I kind of figured I would return them later for the refunds.
Complaining of a headache, I excused myself. I did have a headache, but I mostly could no longer take the anguish of being outside of my house. Hailing a cab with miraculous speed, I headed home. I told the cabby there was extra tip in it for him if I made it home in record time but without a lot of jostling. Before I knew it I was at my door. Greeted by my dogs, I sank to the floor in the entryway and wept.
