I am pretty much at a loss. Evey time I turn around I've got something else on my plate. It's almost enough to make me pray. I say that as a failed Catholic and a pretty firm Agnostic. I hate money. I hate not having any. I am poor and it sucks. I'm not talking figuratively. I'm talking I have to choose between gas in my car and eating poor. It's really bad this week with all the traveling I have to do for Christmas. I just got paid on Friday, that was a small check because I hated everything and trued to die for a week. Luckily when I try at things, they fail, so here I am. I bought Groceries and dog food and gas. That literally wipe out half of that check. I was trying to save the rest for gas but then my phone got turned off and I can't live without it, as I am more of a cliche than I will ever admit, so $88 to pay the phone bill of which half of it is my brother's. I never really care about him paying his share since he's just as poor as I am and he has 5 kids.

Anyway, I went and pawned my wedding ring this morning. I got 200 bucks for it. I decided to look at the bills I had been neglecting and found out I hadn't paid the water bill since September. Yeeeeeeah..... about that. I figured I'd pay the past due. I found out this evening when I got home it paid the whole things even though I filled it out for just the past due. That $25 makes a difference at the moment. I also found out this evening that the gas I had gotten on Friday didn't post to my account until this afternoon, so I had forgotten about it when I did my math. Again, $29 makes a difference at the moment. So, I figure I have the latitude for the electricity bill too! So I find out when I get home Yeah, I totes could pay the electric bill, but now thanks to the 2 previously mentions snaffoos I now have $75 to make it to New Year's eve. I have a week of driving to work before driving to the monastery (4.5 hours each way) and I'm not sure that $75 is going to cover all that driving. If it does, there's no latitude for anything else.

I want to go and give Plasma to pad my income, but I'm afraid since I just came off my antidepressants (since I couldn't afford to pay for them) I won't be able to. Also, my work schedule makes it difficult since the first time can take 3 hours. And, while I rarely admit it, I'm a little intimidated to go by myself. Both of the centers in the city are in bad parts of town and attract unsavory people along with the other regular people like me who just need a buck.

And then there's the puppy that I should be getting. I can't afford to eat, what the fuck am I doing thinking about bringing another mouth into this house. Frankly, I know my Giant Dog probably won't make it through next year, and I can barely take that thought. I swear, if I had a penny for every stress tear I've shed in the last 2 months I wouldn't have a problem. I've tried to keep it to myself, but when I got home and checked my bank tonight I crumpled into the tiniest of tiny balls. The internet is going to have to go soon, and probably the xbox. What the fuck am I doing with my life?