When I was a kid, this series of books and dolls came out the were called "American Girls." One of them was name Molly. She was a WWII era girl who wore pigtail braids and glasses. I have been given the books in both hard and paperbacks. I have never even opened any of them. That has nothing to do with anything. I was just staring at my bookself and noticed them. My grandmother on my mother's side gave them to me. I never got the doll. I guess that's probably due to two reasons. 1) I don't like dolls and 2)my grandmother doesn't really care for me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm only real because someone told me I was. Kind of like that Velveteen Rabbit. I'm only real because 1 person loved me enough to tell me I so. Now that person grew up and left me to the reality they thrust upon me. I would rather have stayed a toy on the floor...
Alright, so that's probably more dire than my actual situation, but I'm prone to hyperbole. maybe it's not exageration, and I just don't want to face it.
I told my spouse that he was a bad husband, and that I didn't appreciate the way he has been treating me. We had a talk, resolved nothing and now he has moved himself into the guest room. We've barely been in each other's presence at all in the last week. My house is uncomfortable with strain and I wonder if I shouldn't just let him run off and be a fucking whatever it is he wants. He doesn't want to put any effort into being married. I'm frustrated, and if I were giving advice to someone not me, I'd tell her to get the fuck out at this point. It's different when it's me...
I've been seeking advice from trusted friends, and none of them have any. I'm thinking of just moving out for a couple of weeks. Putting a bit of distance between us. It may tip the scales one way or the other.
I don't really post much right now because this is consuming my brain, and I get tired of whining about it over and over.
i'm so angry at myself. I'm angry I didn't see it until it was too late. I'm angry I can't figure out what to do, and I'm angry that I don't want to be without him. I don't want to be alone. But what's the difference, I'm alone if he's here. I'm alone if he's gone.
