Graphic mental imagery of my self mangled appendages flash before my eyes and the ever present thought of the fire arm I own being just in the closet are reasons to never go home. I'm not suicidal, but Jack-In-the-Box Jesus my brain sure wants me to think about being it. You know, keeping my options open? Jesus even in times like this, especially in times like this, I can't help but make a joke.
I want to go get another tattoo, mostly because I want one, but I think it will help quell the cutter's urge I'm not really fighting all that hard. Thankfully(?) I have a dog bite on my hand, so that's mostly satiated by poking and prodding that.
I'm not even sure what's triggered this state this time, and it's been awhile since I've been here. And by a while, I mean YEARS. I mean, nothing terrible has happened to me personally. The world at large is pretty goddamn terrible, but that barely affects me on a personal level besides my anger quotient. In fact, minus the fact I can't get my personal spending under control due to my lack of will power (this also applies to my diet) I'm great. Maybe that's why my mind is trying to break me, so something in the world doesn't come along and do it first.
I'm a master at making myself unlikable. I'm crude and sand-paper abrasive. I say overly-harsh things that usually are my actual opinion but stated in the most off-putting manner available. DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS PEOPLE LOVE ME. And I rarely find myself worthy of the affection.
I'm angry that I feel the desire to make this post. I feel like it's attention seeking even though I hope no one reads it.
The other day, I tried drinking a Dr Pepper and I didn't like it. It wasn't flat or mixed poorly. It was fine, a regular bottled Dr. Pepper. I just thought it was gross. My body is more than a third Dr. Pepper. What is wrong with me?!?!
I'm tired of all my dogs. I'm tired of my disgusting house. I'm tired of making more money than ever and feeling poorer than ever. I'm tired of my air conditioning not working in my truck. I'm tired of my hot water heater not working since Thanksgiving. In fact, I'm tired of ALL the things in my house that don't work, the dishwasher, half the burners on my stove, the water ad ice dispensers on the front of my fridge, MY FUCKING ROOF. I'm tired of feeling like I'm whining whenever I even THINK of any of these things, let along approach the thought of TALKING about them.
I really do think I'm having a rebound because I've been doing a lot of things that make me happy recently. I've been doing those and continuing to ignore all the things that stress me out. Knowing this will just make the situation worse in the long run, but the long run is not right now. My brain is trying to remind me that the long run will still be coming around, so I should get my shit together.
I tried a few months ago to get my shit together by getting a loan to help with most of the issues above, as well as some dental work. My app was declined. I just feel like going out to middle of nowhere today and yelling at the sky.
Maybe it's next week's solar eclipse that is getting to me.
