My view count was at 666 for a long time today.
A friend of mine described jordan's recent brush off of me as a "bandaid goodbye." I guess it seriously fits. He had separated himself from me long ago, and that's why it looks so easy for him. This is a decision that was made long ago that took a long time to voice, and he had to wait until he was safely out of the house to do it. I've described it a little over the last few months. We would sit around and barely acknowledge each other, he would wait until he knew I was asleep before coming to bed and we stopped having sex. I had myself convinced we were just in a funk, and that it would turn out alright because I believed he loved me, but he hadn't even said that in over a year, except in response to my telling him. Even with all this, my frustration growing, my affection and love for him never waning or lessening. I just wanted to do anything I could to help him. I never thought I would lose him. I never saw I was losing him. I guess I'm really good at denial.
I need to go to work tomorrow, cause when I'm around people, I do much better. Being home alone makes me feel ill. I can't explain it, as soon as I'm alone in my house, my stomach just clinches down on itself and I want to vomit. I just want to wallow, and I'm so terrible at it. I did alright yesterday, it's just not a long term state for me... I get really restless, so I cry while I fidget. I've been sleeping a lot. A LOT and I'm still totally tired. I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated because I cannot drink enough of anything to keep up with the tears leaving my body.
It's unfair to say, but I'm so tired of hearing, "I'm sorry," from anyone who I tell the story to. I really want some insight and advice, no one has any. The one person who could give me some insight can't or won't or some perverse combination of the two. Is it wrong that I cannot accept, "I don't know," as a fundamental reason for the end of my marriage and relationship with the one I love? Is it wrong that I am having a hard time letting go and still want him to just come home. Even with him telling me there's no chance my denial still runs, slight though it may be. Does that just make me sad? I'm afraid it does. Not that I care about peoples' perceptions, it's the truth that I'm interested in. Everyone always makes fun of the movie line from Brokeback Mountain, the one where Jake Gyllenhal yells, "I wish I knew how to quit you!" I think I get it.
