My life has knocked me down, and I've been leaning hard on my friends and family. I'm so grateful that I have such wonderful, caring people who are trying so hard to keep me afloat. To all those who do or do not read this page, I am so appreciative of the people in my life. I will never be able to repay your caring, kindness or patience. I am loved, and I cannot express how precious that is to me. Thank you and I love you.
Cause nothing is as it appears
In the fun house mirrors of oyur fears
On the rollercoaster of all these years
with your hands above your head....
...And I don't care how fast you run,
Just tell me babe, when you're done
With this little marathon
and you've still got cabfare home.
Cause the finish line is a shifty thing,
and what is life but reckoning?
And you know, You are still the song I sing
To myself,
When I'm alone.
-Ani DiFranco "Reckoning"
I hung out with Jordan today. I actually had some stuff to give back to him, so I went by his house. We hung out for a couple of hours and it was awkward, but not unpleasant. After that, I turned into a marshmallow. I went back into meltdown. During the whole thing, he just stared at me with this look on his face. He felt sorry for me, and maybe even sorry for what he's doing to me, but there's no budging on the stance. All I get is a look that says, "I wish there was something I could do for you."
I need to leave the whole thing alone, otherwise he will not have anything to do with me. But when I said to him today, "I'm sorry it got to this point," and he replied, "So am I," It makes me so frustrated and angry. I just want to yell, "How did it get to this point?" or "What is this point, and why can't we step back from it?" He's so indecisive about everything. Why is this the one thing he decides and takes a harsh stance on?
I feel like a pathetic girl. Lost and pathetic. No one has any directions or advice for me either. Who could? He said he hasn't really put any thought or motion into the legal dissolution of our marriage. Is that a comfort? Not really, cause he's still gone. He is still wearing his ring, though. Is it stupid of me to want him back, to not give up where he's told me I should? Probably, but logic isn't something that is at work here.
I'm tired of whining, but it's cathartic to put it somewhere. No one ever say anything on any of these posts, and I understand why. It's hard, but I appreciate the one on one time I have gotten, and thank you for the shoulders to cry on.
From about a week after I really met Jordan I knew I loved him, and he was going to be in my life forever. I've never hated be wrong so much.
