hey 2015

Hey,

So I found a place I can write here on theotaku. I feel like making an entry, so I guess I should introduce myself first.

Back in 2005, I wanted to post my art online and chose to submit it into theotaku (back then, known as myotaku). I chose myotaku because the community seemed small at the time and a safe place to test the waters for releasing my art into the digital world. I'm happy that the website is still here for me to return to.
My username doesn't have any meaning at all.

A lot of things have happened in my life since 2005. I grew up thinking that only special people could achieve dreams, and I was destined for a very normal, low key life with little excitement and few highlights. One of my dreams was to become a scientist in Japan and be fluent in Japanese. When I walked through the anime club room in 2005, I thought it was just a dream that would never happen to me. I didn't tell anyone this was what I wanted because everyone would have laughed at me. Who would have guessed that a few years later, I would have been chosen as 1 of 9 people in America (out of a pool of 120 applicants) to be living in Japan as a scientist on a full-ride fellowship and my Japanese language skills extend not only to a conversational level but to a scientific level as well. I learned a lot about life through that fellowship.

My classmates through grade school and middle school were not the kind of people you wanted to meet. They drilled into each other's mind that grades were everything in life and the value of your life depends on your grades. Having been bullied by these classmates, I respected everyone in high school, regardless of their grades. As long as they were nice to me, I would be nice to them. College was when the idea that self-worth = grades hit the hardest. I went to a good university, but everyone there was so ... conceited and selfish. Everyone thought everyone else was beneath them. I had straight As, but never told anyone. A girl in my physics class laughed at me when I told her I was aiming for an A in the Physics final exam. I finished with an A+ final grade, but I never told her because I didn't want word to spread so people could take advantage and ask for my help. I had no time to help others with the amount of studying I had to do on my own on top of research projects.
I remember lying in bed at my apartment in 2009, thinking over countless nights that I will do everything in my power to get into Harvard for my PhD and I will prove to myself, to my classmates in middle school, and to everyone in college who looks down on everyone else that I was good. (This memory of being in bed thinking this is always one of my most vivid memories, especially since the chronic stress started to physically hurt my health.) It was a very stressful time, but the dream of getting into Harvard drove my straight As, drove my achievements, and ultimately drove me crazy.
In the end, I did not apply to Harvard because a professor at Stanford told me I would not make it into a good school for PhD. However, when I went through the PhD interview rounds, all the faculty told me, "Well I guess you applied to all the East Coast schools, like Harvard. You probably got in. I wouldn't be surprised with your application." It's nice to hear that after going through a lot of hard work and stress, but I told them I didn't apply there. I did apply to one Ivy League just to take the chance and see what happens. I was accepted and ended up choosing to enter that Ivy League school for PhD.
Who would have thought that the student who all the middle school kids called stupid and deserving to die, would have a spot in a famous university? No one would have thought it. The truth is, I was never stupid and they were never smarter. The truth is, I think they had personal issues or family issues, and I was their punching bag. And the truth is, they're out of my life and I don't care about where they are now.
I think somewhere along the way after my time in Japan, I had let go of the idea that self-worth = grades, and I let go of my memories with unsupportive people like them. Of course, I met some people at the PhD interviews who think they are so much better than everyone else (I could actually tell who was a 4th year college student and who had already worked after college just from the maturity level). When you've lived a little bit longer and went through more things than people younger than you, you know that they have so much more to learn and experience but they act like they've seen it all.

The reason I write all of this down is mainly for myself to read a few years later down the line. The other reason is because of the fact that I want to do something after my PhD that strays completely off track from the traditional career route. Of course, I have separate goals I want to achieve during PhD, and finishing the program will be my priority. There are a lot of risks and a lot of hard work involved, but if I make it, my life will be different. For this career turn, I feel like I'm just jumping into the unknown - not knowing if I can land my feet back onto the traditional career route again once I take the jump. I've always dreamed of things that I thought were unattainable, but then I attain it later. That's the main message of this entry: that anything is possible.

A lot of things happened in my life since I posted my first artwork. I wonder where I'll take my life in the next 10 years.

Thanks for reading, and I hope this inspired you to pursue your own goals, no matter how farfetched they seem and no matter how many obstacles you have right now.