"... That voice you hear in your head when you’re not talking is not defined by your body. That voice is truth. It is the infinite. You are more than just a body. You are a mind. So get creative. Live for that voice. Because like everyone always told you, It’s what’s on the inside that counts."
~Bunny Bennet
background art by bunny bennett
AVATAR
Elapsam semel occasionem non ipse potest Iuppiter reprehendere
~*
Hi people!
So i wanted to talk about something, it's considered a mental disorder or a disease or something? I haven't been officially diagnosed, but it's a definite, believe me
So what exactly is this whole shebang?
"Misophonia – literally the hatred of sound -can be defined as a hypersensitivity to background sounds or visual stimuli that are generally ignored by other people. More importantly than the individuals inability to block out the offending stimuli or “trigger” is the acute negative emotional response experienced as a direct result of being in contact with a trigger."
So basically in short, certain noises really set me off. Chewing, slurping, lip smacking, snapping, clicking, or things of that nature and more, are extreme triggers for me. Also, when people do certain body movements like shaking their legs or hands, that gets to me, too. There's actually a pretty accurate list HERE,
What happens is, when i'm around something like this, a typical reaction is normally some sort of heart pounding, hot, shaking, physically painful and uncomfortable. I can't focus on anything, it technically takes the anxiety and it's reactions i normally have and heightens them, so nail biting, etc. Imagine your reaction to nails down a chalkboard, then add nauseous and shaky to that, and your almost there.
It's typical when i'm at home and someone in my fam squad is doing something sound-wise, I'll either put in my headphones or leave the room. (actually i just came back in the livingroom, my mom was eating..) But sometimes I can't block out the sounds. A big problem is that I'm not eating as much as i should be at home now, since i eat until i can't stand being around them anymore and then leave. So i'm losing weight. I'm also pretty irritable, bitchy, etc. during food times or just in general, trying to keep myself in check.
My family seems to think it's okay to use this to 'punish' me. To shut me up or when they're pissed at me, they'll start making noises that they KNOW will bug me. And it's terrible, how you can't even trust your own family to leave you be.
And It's not like people can actually control their noises, it's like telling someone not to bleed when they cut themselves because you hate the sight of blood. It just won't happen.
But I can't stand it. This started a few years ago, before highschool, and has progressivly gotten worse.
I'm literally terrified that I'll never be able to stand having a family, I can't deal with that.
I was on the tumblr tag for misophonia, for a little while, and the stories are all so depressing on family/school/work life.
But what's extremely depressing is how i relate to almost all of them.
I don't know, maybe it'll get better, maybe I'll have to be like heavily medicated or something of that sort.
But anyway, if you actually sat through this description of how messed up i am, thank you! It means alot :)
And umm... if anyone has questions i will answer them?
Have a nice night
~Alex
So on my way home with my mom from dance-y practice, she's driving and i was looking at my phone, and i heard her like gasp, and i looked up and holy shit there was a guy just stradling his bike right in front of our car and my mom managed to swerve just in time so we only hit the back of his bike but he still kinda flew and was bleeding out of his forehead and omg it was so scary i thought we'd killed him but everything was fine and he told the police it was his fault so alright.
but seriously, he just walked in front of our car without looking, and our headlights were on so it's not like he didn't see us, but idk what happened.
shit.
