Chapter Four: Realisation
Something clicked in me then. As soon as the blast hit me, I knew it. I fainted onto Zexion, who held up my weight with ease (had he been working out?). As I was dragged, nearly lifelessly back to Twilight Town Centre all I could think about was the revelation that had hit me. When the blast shook the street, I didn’t duck or move, yet I was still here. Worst of all, the blast wasn’t searing with heat, or shockingly cold. It was warm, like a summer’s day. That’s what scared me most. A blast, obviously made to kill, made me feel more alive than I ever have before. But why? That was worst of all.
Have you ever been to a place from your distant memories of childhood, or visited a long-lost relative? Do you know that odd sense of familiarity that strikes you, and you can’t remember why? That’s exactly how I felt. Thinking back to my childhood, I remembered Haru being so excited about living with me, about my parents being so willing to adopt her… as if they’d done it before. I didn’t look much like my parents, they had lighter hair whilst mine was dark, their eyes were green and blue, mine (were) an unmistakeably dark brown. I never took it in, they were my parents, it didn’t matter. Thinking back, there always was a sense of loneliness, a sense of not belonging with them, a sense that something was missing, that I couldn’t place as a single emotion or memory. But that blast had hit me hard.
That day, when I was Four years old, I’d visited the Feymarch. A man with brown hair had a hand on my shoulder, “Don’t worry. His Majesty will take good care of you.” He said, and a kind old man in yellow robes took my hand, leading me through the crowded streets. Creatures of all shapes and sizes roamed, all kind, welcoming folk. I saw a girl about my age, green hair and robes of a summoner. “Come along, Rydia. Don’t worry about the other children, you’ll miss your first lesson!” The girl ran off, following a woman with the same green hair. We soon came to a run-down old library, and the old man led me inside.
A few floors down, I was greeted by a woman wearing a tiara, supposedly the Queen. The old man assumed a more youthful pose, and in an instant became a great serpent. “Leviathan, my dear, don’t frighten the poor child,” the Queen-lady began, “He’s new, remember. We need to teach him the basic rites, and send him to his new family.” The serpent changed once more, to a man full of youth and grace. “I’m sorry, my dear. The human form just gets so tiring.” They conducted a few tests of my height and weight (“Tall and thin, possible anorexia complex in teenage years”) and decided a family for me. Not a day later, I was stood on the doorstep of my new home, only a note round my neck, and I rang the doorbell.
I woke up in an inn, Zexion sitting on the bedside, his hand in my hair. “We gotta stop meeting like this…” I began, jokingly, and Zexion smiled. “Hush, my dear, stay quiet. You must recover.” I smiled, closing my eyes. Acting skills could only get me so far…
Riku and I had followed Zexion quickly as he carried Gildas through Lindblum. I could see Riku’s eyes darting back to me every so often, but I didn’t look at him. All I could think about was whether or not Gildas would be alright. When we reached the inn, Zexion had taken Gildas into a room straight away while Riku dealt with booking said room. I stood to the side silently until Riku pulled me into the room. Gildas was laying on a single bed, eyes open and staring. I jumped into a chair, knees under my chin, leaning forward anxiously. Zexion sank onto the bed, careful not to hurt Gildas, and stroked his hair gently.
I looked away quickly, feeling like I had intruded on something painful and private. I kept forgetting that this was the way things were now; whenever Gildas was with Zexion, they were a couple before being friends with me. I rested my head on my right knee heavily and sighed quietly. Riku still heard, however, and stood behind my chair, his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. I still didn’t say anything, but let one solitary tear dribble down my face and fall to the floor. I felt so guilty, but I just couldn’t say a single word. I had tried, believe me! But nothing had come out.
Gildas’s voice shook me out of my thoughts, and I raised my head to look at him. But he closed his eyes, and sank back to sleep, and I let my chin fall again. Riku started to say something, but I shook my head, and he stopped. I hunched my shoulders, trying to block out the world in a feeble attempt at protecting myself, but the gentle light radiating from the ceiling fixture was piercing. Was it because I myself was such a dark person? Could I not bear the light because I lacked any light, any warmth? Even closing my eyes wasn’t enough, as a headache crept in. I stood up quickly, knocking my chair backwards, and stepped over to the window, looking out into the mist and the gloom.
“Look, you should really sit by the fire and dry yourself off, Haru.” Riku’s voice permeated my dark gloom, and I turned to face him. “Look at you,” he said, more softly now, “you’re still soaked. You weren’t wearing a jacket – or any shoes – and you must be freezing.” I shook my head. I truthfully wasn’t cold; I blamed it on the fact that my fire within had simply gone out. The ice was sinking into my bones, and soon I would be nothing but a cold, unfeeling person with no soul, no emotion, no love. I couldn’t be what other people needed me to be anymore. Riku steered me strongly to the fire, and pushed me to the floor, where I hugged my knees as I watched the flames in the grate dance and flicker merrily.
My sleep was a troubled one. I must have called out several times, with Sephiroth invading my dreams and causing mayhem. When I did wake up, Haru had fallen asleep, and Zexion had curled into a ball on a chair. Riku remained awake, stood against the far wall. “She’s had enough, you know.” He said, unfeelingly. “She’s sick of being who she’s not. She feels like she’s turning to the dark.” I wondered how Riku knew this, as Haru hadn’t spoken a word since she walked out. “She’s going to hate me for this…” I began, and Riku looked puzzled. “She needs to do one last thing for me, for everyone. Sephiroth can’t be beaten so easily, he’s got a connection, a link that keeps him alive. Haru is the only one who can sever this link.” Riku nodded, he’d become accustomed to my riddle-like way of speaking. “Haru has to kill me.”
Riku continued to stare at me, without blinking. “What?” He said, after a while. “Haru has to kill me. It’s the only way.” Riku walked over, looked nervously at Haru, then over at me. “Listen. Me and Sephiroth are linked, not only through appearance. We’re twins. It all makes sense. I was an orphan as a child, though I didn’t realise till recently, and that blast didn’t even scratch me. It didn’t scratch me because it can’t, Sephiroth can’t risk losing me. We’re two halves of a whole. I fight for Light, he for Darkness. My eyes shine bright, his lack lustre. Unless I die, he’ll live forever. The same doesn’t ring true for me, my soul is totally intact. His is split down the centre, half lies with me. That’s how he killed our parents, when he made sure at a young age that he couldn’t die.”
Riku looked confused. I shook my head. “Don’t worry. All you need to know is that only someone with a deep emotional connection to me can break this link, and that leaves only Haru or Zexion. Zexion couldn’t bear to, so that only leaves Haru. She has to, she doesn’t have a choice, or she will lose you as well. Either way, I have to die. That’s just how it is.” Riku looked at the floor. He looked slightly sad. I looked over, Zexion was stirring. Before I could take in what was happening, Haru jumped up and ran out of the room. “Looks like she was awake after all…”
I pushed through the inn and out the front door, charging down the road with no clue where I was going. After all this time, it had to be me? I had to do it? How dare he tell me what I have to do? It’s my choice what I do. It’s my life. My head was aching now, and all my thoughts were jumbled together in one big, messy knot. I ran and ran, my legs threatening to give way just as much as my head. It was only once I reached the South Gate of Lindblum that I stopped running, craning my neck up to survey the giant architecture. The sun was rising behind it, and red was streaked across the sky like a flare.
Nobody was about, so I sank to the floor yet again, cradling my thumping head in my hands. Why did it have to be me? He had said that it had to be either me or Zexion, but, “Zexion couldn’t bear to.” So what was there to suggest that I could? I couldn’t. I was too weak, too selfish, too greedy to help my best friend when he needed it most. I just couldn’t do it. The familiar self-hatred burst in again. I didn’t understand why people kept depending on me to do things that I couldn’t.
Then I thought of Seifer, lying on the cobblestones, a broken man…I had sworn to myself never to kill anyone again after that accident. But then there had been Ansem, who I had as good as killed with my Blizzaja spell. I shook my head. They had been strangers to me, I didn’t have enough courage to do that to someone I care about. Something else Gildas had said to Riku was niggling in my mind, though…“she will lose you as well.” Was my love for Riku strong enough to do anything? A few weeks ago, I would have said yes straight away; so why was it so difficult to know now? I raised a hand to push my hair back, and saw that it was shaking violently. Maybe this was something I couldn’t control; maybe that was what I didn’t like about it most. I was a huge control freak, so maybe I just didn’t like that this had been decided for me…
Riku began running out the door (Disintegration.) before it slammed shut. He looked over at me. “What are you doing? We need to go after her!” I shook my head. “I’d have thought that you of all people would understand her. She doesn’t want us to go after her, you see? She’s sick of being forced to do things she doesn’t like, sick of her future being dictated.” Zexion was now awake, blinking and rubbing his eyes. “Where’s Haru?” He began, but I stopped him. “Hush, my love. Haru’s walked out again, but we aren’t going to follow her. We mustn’t. It will only push her further. Let her figure things out, and then she’ll come back.”
I’d accepted my fate. It had been quite easy, for some reason. I had to die, that’s how things were. Zexion may have to kill me, if Haru cannot. I was prepared for it, but I could understand how she felt: Helping me along, keeping me alive, fighting to save my life more than once. Now she must end it. All that remained to be decided were the time, place and means. The outcome was certain: A battle between us, Sephiroth and I, with him holding back. Haru would kill me, Sephiroth would use his full strength and Haru will gain the knowledge that she is, in fact, a Red Mage. Once she’s tried a Cure spell, she’ll understand.
Haru would use Holy to ensnare Sephiroth in Light. As Sephiroth is immobile, she will fuel her emotions with rage, sorrow, hatred and depression, combining to unlock the Death spell. This would eliminate Sephiroth once and for all. Riku and Haru would spend their days together, ruling over Lindblum, and Zexion (who won’t know until the last minute) will find another to be happy with. I just hope he understands…
Once the day was completely begun, people were bustling around the Gate purposefully, and I stood up, stretching my legs. I had almost managed to forget why I was even there, but not quite. I trudged through the streets of Lindblum, needing to move, to get away from my thoughts and myself. It seemed as though the world had sped up, but I had slowed down. Each step took a great effort, and seemed to echo in my head. I only realised where I was going when I got there.
I pushed the door open slowly, worried about the reaction I would get. “…I…I’ll try it. If I have to, I will try to do it. But…but I don’t want to. And I don’t know that I can. I don’t know if I’m…if I’m strong enough,” I whispered. Gildas was sitting on the bed, and looked up at me, nodding. He blinked his golden eyes once, and I understood immediately. Zexion didn’t know. Riku walked over to me slowly, as though scared of me, of how I would greet him. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my voice hoarse through lack of use. His face split into a wide grin, and he hugged me tightly. “Nothing to be sorry for,” he said happily.
“What…what if I can’t do it?” I breathed in his ear. That was my greatest fear. If I said I would do it, then I wanted to know, for certain, that I would do it. But I wasn’t sure that I could. I wasn’t sure that I wouldn’t have to back down, and that thought scared me. I didn’t want to let him down…I didn’t want to let him see my inner weaknesses, for fear that he would reject me. And right now I wasn’t even sure whether ‘he’ was Gildas or Riku.
