Hey guys!
Sorry for seemingly disapearing off the face of the earth for the past couple of weeks. My life has not only been hectic, frustrating, but it's actually starting to look like it actually make some form of sense! (Such a paradox!) I'll give an abbreviated version, and I will say this, since most of the time it's only my close friends that read this, I hope that what I will tell you will not affect how you view me in a negative manner. I will say, if you give advice, try not to be too mean lol plus, just read through the whole thing before you make any judgments.
So I went to Cross Country meet in the country of Georgia about two weeks ago, that's when the madness started. As many of you may or may not know, I've been living in the country of Azerbaijan for the past three months. It's been different, but I've actually adjusted considerably well due to my friendship with a few people, but especially due to my good friend Ben.
Well, the train ride to Georgia from Baku (the city I live in) is about 14-18 hours and it took roughly about 16. Honestly, I probably got a total of five hours of sleep to and from on the train. It was actually pretty fun! Ben and I talked alot on the way up and just listened to music and talked and talked. Ben has been honestly the first person I can tell anything to. ANYTHING. I don't know, but we've both clicked in that way and since we've met we've done nothing but talk about stuff that bothers us in life, with people yatta yatta yatta. (By the way, have I mentioned he's gorgeous?) So the way up was pretty innocent. Since the train is pretty compact, we ended up sitting really close on the top bed (the train compartment consisted of two bunk beds on each wall, me and Ben took the two tops while my sister and his brother took the bottom two, yes the only people going were Ben, his twin, myself, and my younger sister lol) with my head on his shoulder but that was it.
Well, the ride BACK is a different story completely.
As many know, I have a long distance boyfriend who lives in San Antonio. What you may not know is that things have been pretty rough with that, and I've been seriously frustrated with the whole situation for quite a while. Well, on the train ride back, I came to a conclusion.
I liked Ben.
It tore me up, because not only do I have a boyfriend, but he has a girlfriend. And unfortunately for myself, Ben had been my outlet for things I didn't tell my boyfriend. So, it was quite frustrating that I liked someone that wasn't my boyfriend and I couldn't even tell someone about it! Well, needless to say, I sorta...broke down? I won't say that entirely, but I certainly wasn't calm and composed. I ended up telling him about it. To my complete surprise, he actually said he'd been feeling the same way and was actually going to tell me about it later on in the train ride. (This was probably hour four into a sixteen hour train ride) I was pretty shocked, but in a way relieved. I was glad he didn't flip out on me, cause part of me didn't want to tell him in the first place cause I was afraid it was going to be awkward.
Well, that's when things got a little out of hand...sorta.
In a "heat of the moment" sorta deal, we did kiss. And honestly, I felt absolutely terrible for it.
But, I don't regret it. I told myself I wouldn't and currently I still don't. But here's where stuff gets messier and messier. We told each other that it was a one time deal and that once we got off the train we'd go back to being friends and go back to our relationships because neither of us were sure that we could give up our current relationships. HA! LIKE THAT COULD HAPPEN. We were still flirty, unfortunately, and we were still torn up about it when we weren't distracted and it was frustrating. Not to mention, because it's a small school, since Ben and I needed to talk about stuff alone, like how we were feeling and whatnot, the entire school started talking about us, even the teachers! Teachers started going around telling each other gossip, as well as brother. (Ben's mom is a teacher, so she ended up hearing gossip and whatnot, and she even approached him with "what are you going to do about your GIRLFRIENDS?" plus she kept glaring at me every time she saw me) Of course, this only added to our frustration, and we even went a day without talking to each other practically.
And of course, we were still all "what to do" about not only each other, but with our relationships; he wasn't happy with his, his girlfriend had been wishy washy for about a month and actually was going to break up with her soon if he could, but still wasn't sure. And I was definitely unsure because I have been with my bf for almost two years.
Well, to make a long story short, after about a week of emo-ness, we both made a decision. It was actually on a Sunday, after church, when I made mine, and his was made not too long after on that Tuesday. I had prayed to God to give me peace of mind and to help me make my decision. And he did, this is the first time in a whole year that I have felt like God has answered a prayer. I'm really thankful, and it's been a huge help.
I figured this; if I was able to do something like that, then I didn't love my boyfriend as much as I should to try and keep this going, and that there is a lot of things (which would take waaay to long to list) that could go wrong, one being that I have no idea when I'll get to see him, and that could go on for the next five to six years of my life. I don't think I could take that, mentally or emotionally.
So, this Sunday, I'm going to break up with my boyfriend; not entirely because I want to date Ben, though that is certainly an underlying factor, but I had planned on doing so even if Ben wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend (which was his decision that he made all on his own). I believe that the love I once had, isn't there, and that I've just been afraid to break up with him for the past few months because I was afraid of change and afraid to let things go. And even still, me and him aren't going to rush things; we're going to wait about a month to see if we still feel the same.
And that has been basically the drama of my life condensed (trust me, if I were to go on in detail, it would be about 10 times as long as this, and this is still pretty long). I hope that everyone understands, I'm not excusing my actions in any which shape or form. What I did was wrong, but, I feel it has been an eyeopener and if it wasn't for that I would still be in a delusion and would not have started thinking about my relationship deeply if I hadn't. (like I said, there are a number of factors that went into my decision, but I just simply can't list all of them)
So I thank everyone that took the time to read this. I apologize for not being on at all these past few weeks. I hope I have to courage to go through with my plan, so yah...
Thanks again
Catherine
