I have been completely fourteen today. And, if you don’t want to hear me go on and on about how stupid, immature, and how I have no self esteem, then please stop reading now.

Thing number one, I don’t know why I even try. And, it’s stupid, because I’m 20, that means I’ve been on this earth 7,300 days, and I still feel like a fourteen year old. I mean, you would think I would grow up a little in all of this time, but no. And, it’s weird, because that lovely boy, the first boy in all of this time I have been here that I have ever had feelings for sits next to me today and of course, I be myself. Which is never good. And, it would be okay if I was being my smart mature confident self, but no, I was being my I’m with my friends self. Which automatically means I become my dumb ditzy but with a perverted mind self, but is still good enough to spit out a random witty comment every once and a while. But, you know, my friends are his friends and they were acting the same way, so is it really that bad? I don’t know. All I know is that usually I like for it to be known that I identify as gay, it makes it easier when my friends bring it up and people find out that way, there is no odd silence, because they fit it in a jokingly manner. But, today they did, and I was sitting there hoping that he wouldn’t get it, and I became upset with myself for hoping he wouldn’t understand, I mean, usually I’m proud. But, I wasn’t today, and I didn’t want him to know, and I think he got it, because he wasn’t sitting next to me a moment later. And, what if I had gotten it all wrong? What if it was going well? Up until then, because up until then he was laughing along with us, what if he thought the things we said were genuinely funny, what if I wasn’t blowing it? Until that moment. Now, what am I supposed to do?

I don’t know. Does anyone have an idea? Again, I’m feeling so 14 about this, because I’m not supposed to care, I know I’m supposed to be myself, and let the stones fall where they may, but I think those falling stones just crushed his interest.

I don’t even know why I thought he would be interested; my friends tend to bring out this confidence in me, so when I was sitting next to him I was confident, and I thought maybe he could be interested. But then I go home and I look in the mirror and I wonder what I was thinking. I’m not attractive. There is nothing alluring about me. I’m shaped like a man, I’m too tall, I’m not thin enough, etc.

Plus, Alisha if you are reading this, when ducky told me he was single and I said I didn’t care, I was lying. Because, I didn’t want all of his friends standing around him to know I was interested.