His constant grouchy-ness (almost, at least) toward me wears me thin. And the boys-ness, the "I'm better than you," air that tends to permeate around you while you're in a mood. Wears me thin. So thin. I'm tired. There's only so much one person can take, and I'm breaking. It's beginning to show, the cracks on my skin. Deeper by the day, the longer they are ignored.
In the moment, there are always things I want to say to change it, but I can never find the right words. Enough words. It just seems that whatever I have to say, you tear it down, and the attitude worsens. The air worsens.
So, for the most part, I have learned to at least try not to say anything. Just let you say what sharp words you say stab me. Let my silence be my answer. You do no understand. You do not understand me. You think you know, you know everything, right? But why would you? Why would anybody?
Though, I think the frustration is the worst of the emotions that float through me, like a noxious gas, in those moments. There is anger, yes, but mostly tears. Though, this last bought, I did not weep. I will not let myself. I am so tired of the tears. Tired.
I don't know how to deal with him. 18 years I have lived with him, yet it is a question I fear will never have an answer. I seek counsel with my mother, she listens. Sometimes it's what I need. But not with this. I NEED action; sometimes there is, but doesn't yield required results. My mother may be my friend, my family may be my friends, but I have no-one. I never really had anyone.
We may have been attached when we were younger, children, but not really. Not any longer.
Parents always working, siblings who never wanted to associate with you. Weird, they say. Your sister didn't want her friends to see you, embarrassment. That's what you were to her. Your brother wasn't an option. Always ridiculing you, calling you stupid, a freak. Those words always stung, you ignored it though. They collected like solemn snowflakes on your heart, but you ignored it. You moved on. That's what you always did. They didn't need to be a part of your world if they were gonna be like that. Only the things that matter are apart of your world.
Your world was that house, with the trees and the large green yard. So many trees. You also had the most awesomeness cat in the world. He would go outside with you, and you would play. Played with him and your toys. Your mom also ran a dog rescue at your house. It was awesome having all the puppies come through. But sad for all the broken dogs too. Too broken to have a true home. That was your world. Your world was happy, your world was the sun. You were also homeschooled, so you didn't even need to leave the house. Who needed to leave, when your world was fine the way it was?
Then you were put back into school. You were so excited to meet people your age again! Finally, people my age! You met an awesome girl on the bus that morning, she said she like your short spiked hair. You thanked her, and you talked.
Things changed once you got to school. The children didn't like you very much. They didn't seem to like your clothes, or your hair. It hurt, but you were sunny anyway.
Things changed though, school was hard. You didn't really understand much of what they were teaching, especially in English. What were these rules to writing they were talking about? You remember those Phonics classes you took while being homeschooled, you abhorred those. It was like that dumb class. Writing and reading was so hard for you. You just wanted to scream. Not to mention the spelling tests. Failed. Every. Last. One of them. Even when your mother, even if she was so tired from working in that factory all day, helped you study for the spelling tests. You still failed.
One night you studied really hard, and long, writing with your finger on the carpet while you spelled it out loud. You felt good going into that test. You knew how to spell those words. But when you got it back, that test said another thing. When your teacher handed you that spelling test, the one you studied so hard for, and you found out you failed. You cried. I don't get it. Why? That awesome girl you met on the bus made spelling look so easy. She helped you, but nothing really worked. Even so, she became your BFF.
But because you were failing these tests, your teacher talked to you, and your mother. She put you in a special spelling class. You studied together in a group. You chose which words on the test that you'd spell, and which ones you felt too hard. This helped, but not by much. At least you didn't get so many F's anymore.
Then came middle school. You remember that awesome girl you met on the bus your first day of school? Your BFF? You were too weird for her too, so she passed you a note during lunch that year that told you she didn't want to be friends anymore. She had the cool kids to hang out with. You almost cried that day. But no, she would not have the satisfaction of seeing you cry. Cry over someone who didn't matter anymore.
That day left a rift in your heart. The straw that broke the camels back. You were bitter. The sun no longer shined in your world, and they way your siblings treated you only served to make it worse. You got lost in the gloom, you were depressed. You cut, you bleed. Nothing helped. Last year of middle school, your awesome cat died. You were so sad.
You found a limited solace in your books, your games, your anime and manga. They put you in a place where there may have been darkness, but the light overcame it. Stories only served to shove the pain down, to forget about it.
And it seems by the time high school hit, you had shoved the pain so far down, you couldn't really see it anymore. You were -are- in the gray. And you are content being there. Most of the time at least. There's still that void, that rift in your heart, but you ignore it most of the time. Your family is distant, but you don't fight as much. Your sister seems to actually like you now. But she's all bubbly and happy, she doesn't seem to get you though. But sometimes it is nice just to be with her. You're in a similar boat with your brother, but it's not that different. Just, changed. You like him now, but he still doesn't seem to like to be bothered with your presence most of the time. It's sad though. None of your family members seem to care about how you want to just show them the things you love. The anime, the games, the stories, the movies. They don't want to, they're busy. It's boring. They don't understand what's going on. They don't want to so, sometime, it feels like they don't want you. But they share things with you sometimes, mom the shows she watches, your brother the games he plays or the music he listens too, your sister the girly things in life or the books she's read. You partake in these things because you love them. You can almost not say no to them, even if they say no to you.
But who's there for you? Who do you have to share the things you love with?
