killmepleasealready
Hi, I'm Caitlin.
I'm seventeen and I live in New Hampshire, USA.
I pretty much hate majority of my life, but whatever.
I don't give a shit if you think how I am is bullshit, what you think doesn't matter.
I'm so fucking sick of fake ass people.
But whatever, life is life, I can deal.
Have a nice day everyone.
Anyone have myspace and/or AIM that'd like to get to know me or add me go ahead just tell me where you're from please.
MySpace - http://myspace.com/xxocaitlinx
AIM - xxoCaitlinXx

Just because I smile, doesn't mean I'm happy

pleasedon'thurtmeiwasonlytellingyouthetruthisn'tthatwhatyouwanted?

Is it so horrid for me to want to do something nice?

Okay.

In your opinion, do you think a 16 year old should be allowed to do what they want with their hair?

To somewhat of an extent of course.

Since July '07 I've wanted to donate my hair.
I got a trim before sophomroe year started.
My mom convinced me she fucked my layers up so my mom fixed it so I'd have no more layers.
Which set me back a few inches.
Then I've gotten one trim since.

I was looking at websites for hair donating type things.
Pantene Beautiful Lengths, you need at least 8 inches.
I measured out my hair, if I donated that I'd still have it below my shoulders by like, two inches.

I'm sick of how she won't explain to me why I can't and just yells at me and pisses me off so we can't talk anymore.
She yells how she doesn't want me to have short hair.
It's not as short as it could come to be.

If I knew she'd never let me, I shouldn't have bothered to still want to donate it.
But I just really want to.
Also if she knew she wouldn't, which I bet she did, she shouldn't have said it was okay.

I'm tempted to cut it myself and send it in, but I don't want to screw it up.
I can't understand why she won't let me.
Seriously...

She can be so damn controlling.

Everything has to be her way.
Otherwise she yells and complains.
Doesn't care what ben and Krissy do.
They get to do whatever they want.
Me, I get bitched at if I even bother to ask for something to be how I'd like it to be.

That's how it seems at least.

Krissy gets away with everything almost.
I don't even do anything to her and she calls up mommy and daddy and lies to them saying I did stuff most the time she actually did.
And her new favorite sentances, I didn't know, I forgot, blahblahblah.
It's common sense kid, things you already definatly know.
Grow a brain.

My mom promised, if we got along and everything went well they'd take me driving.
And I could take driver's ed the end of the summer.
Numerous times they said they'd get my car fixed, has that happened yet?
Nope!
Any time I even ask to drive, they refuse for some bullshit reason.
And if they don't want me driving their cars cause they're too powerful and big they should get mine fixed.
My mom had the nerve to complain she needs her car fixed when it's perfectly drivable.
Her sunroof won't close if she opens it.
SO DON'T OPEN IT!
Mine can't pass inspection, so it can't get driven.

Either of them come home, I ask to go out somewhere all they do is say they're tired and say no.
Or my mom comes home and yells and screams so I don't even bother to go near her, cause I know all she'll do is complain.
And my dad bribes me into doing things, and i always don't want to but he gets mad so i go do it.
And he never does what he says he'll do.
Two Saturdays ago he said he'd take me to the movies.
Still no movie yet.

Whatever... I should just totally give up on them ever doing anything for me or them letting me do anything.
It'll never happen.
And I'll get forced into things I don't wanna do like always.

Oh geez, and how right in front of me she'll say stuff to my sister like
"You don't wanna be fat like your sister do you."
And that tone she says it in.. so cold and hateful seeming.
It's like she finds and uses every chance she gets to insult me and make me feel like shit.
Aren't mothers supposed to be loving?
What ever happen to the stereotypical loves-her-kids-oh-so-much-cheerful-soccer-mom type mom?

Sorry.. stupid complaining I do is all I ever post anymore.
But hell... I need to let it out someplace.

I'll just go back to sitting in the corner crying to myself and making my headache worse and my eyes more bloodshot.

I don't even matter, so why dare I bother I don't know.

I should just off myself so I don't bother anyone else in this world.

K know what? I'll post.

So.
My mom's.. pregnant.
My God, she'll kill me if she sees this.
About 12 weeks.
I've known all along, blahblahblah.
Tried listening for a heartbeat say... last week sometime?
Couldn't get it and she was upset about tat.
So she ordered a baby Beats heartbeat monitor thingy.
Couldn't get it still.
Ultrasound early today.
No heartbeat still.
No movment either.
Looks only 11 weeks grown.

So yea... basically it's dead.
And it's real unlikely it'll survive.

So yea... I begged it out of her basically
So she yelled it at me.
Said there wasn't a heartbeat.
And I thought nothing of it being dead.
Then she was bawling her eyes out and ran off.
I went to head upstairs but i kept walking and got her a cup of cold water and she wouldn't take it.
Then she went in the bathroom.
Said something like, "Did you take your pills? Want some water for them?"
She said she already had and didn't want the water.
[She is on amoxycillian because of either her teeth being pulled or the root canal.]

So then Krissy came in my room crying how she was afraid of the thunder so she's sleeping in here tonight.
She said how mom said her baby was dead.
I went to go to the bathroom.
My mom got my attention and wanted to know if I wante to see a picture from the ultrasound.

Then we got talking about whatll happen while my brother was around.
I was tempted to say kinda joking type things a few times but I stopped myself each time.

Then she was saying how I didn't seem like I cared but I was just listening.
and then she started crying saying how no ones hugged her.
I wanted to but she always gets mad when i hug her.
Says i hurt her and to get away from her.
Then she went in the basement to sleep on the couch and She said she wanted to bring toilet paper and forget.
So i got her some, and got her some juice.
And shes just continuing on how it's her fault
and bitched at me when I said it wasn't .
And I tried convinving her to eat
Shes trying to punish herself and not eat.
Not drink.
Not do anything.

Her fault since she would always say
i don't want a boy
i don't want a down sydrome kid
I dont want any problems with it
Blahblahblah

Lifted things
Took meds she needed
Got teeth pulled
got a root canal

I got so pissed... I was choking back tears rand upstairs slammed the basement door and had tears slowly running down my face.
stopped before I went upstairs because incase my sister was up.
Didnt want her to see me cry cause she'd get all overworked.

i was so stressed...

i can only imagine my mother.
Oh geezzz >_<

But yea.....

Other than that.
It's now 1:53 am.
I took a loooong break during wrting this.

I have a dentist appointment Friday.
New dentist, haven't been in a lonngg time.
Just checking out what needs to be done on mine and my sisters teeth.

I like my wisdom teeth are coming in.
My parents dont believe me.

Watched my grandmothers cat monday through wednesday
Shouldve slept over onight but I was bored and came home when my dad came to get my sister since she slept over the night before.
blahblahblah
her birthday tomorrow.

Oh great douchebags iming me on msn.
Bye.

Sooo...

Just you know, thought I would since I haven't in a bit.

How've you people been?

Some people can die.

In a way, I'd rather be in school.
Butttt, I have to babysit the little obnoxious shit!

Shes being a little bitch.
Getting pissed over me not even talking to her.
Then interrupts people and gets pissed off they ignore it and flips out.
Pushes into or in front of me all the time.
Does something wrong and i say something and lies about it to my parents.
bes a little bitch for no reason and i get pissed after a while of it and flip out then I yell and my brother comes down and bitches at me.
last time a few days after my birthday that happened and I still have a bruise from the paintball gun and a bruise thats almost gone from when he was kicking me.
Stupid jackasses.
I'mgonna kill her and him if he doesnt have a clue what happened and flips out on me for it.=]

She needs to get over the fact it doesnt revolve around her.

I feel bad...

Yesterday in gym.. this girl Amber and I were walking around the track like we we supposed to for gym.. and we wondered like ten feet off and were ripping leaves off the trees and throwing them at each other and theres two classes and they do stuff together, and shes in the opposite and my teacher came over, saying how basically since I started hanging out with her in class my grades been slipping. and how I've gone from changing everyday to never changing for class. and the little participation I did, has turned to no participation and she felt bad, seeming kinda faking happy when you feel like crap type thing sorta. and i was telling her it wasn't what he was trying to say since she thought me failing was her fault.. and she kept saying stuff about it and i was kidding and was like, fine if you do i'll just go, and slowly started walking away and shes like, really you gonna leave me here like that and i turned and was like mayyyybee and she didn't say anything and i was laughing a little and turned and she walked away to get her binder off the bleachers and i thought she'd just sit there, and id just go around the track once and meet up with her... but she went home since she doesnt live far from the school supposedly and yea... i felt bad. she wasnt in class today either and i thought i heard her earlier in the day but idk