Director Lazard once said that "unattainable dreams are the best kind." Is my dream to become an artist one of those types of dreams? I start my first day at my new job tomorrow and Im once again getting those feelings of "this is not where I need to be" flooding through me. I havent even started yet and already I know this is not something I want to do. But do I really have a choice in the matter? No. I have to go to this job because if I dont I wont have any money. It's a vicious cycle that can drive a man insane if he focuses on it too carefully.

But I know this is not what I want to do with my life. Time is precious. Time is fleeting. All I want to do is travel the world and draw. I want to share my passion for art and writing with other people that also have a vision. I want to see the dreams of others and embrace them as much as they embrace mine. My insecurity in the aritistic realm constantly keeps me from moving on any further but my lack of money doesn't help the situation either.

And thus I must force myself to go to a place that I dont want to go. I will have to drag myself there kicking, screaming and clawing, and force myself back into the world of "general labor". Working on machines is my future and the longer I fight it the more miserable I will become. Why dont I just succumb to my horrible fate and deal with it?

Because Im a dreamer and I dont want to face reality. I will forever be stuck here in this rotting Hell of a home, forced to be with people I dont like because that is reality and the sooner I face this and end my pathetic existence the better off I will be.

Only in death does art thrive. I only have one year left to find out.