Has anyone ever had a specific time in their lives that they truly felt like a zombie? Like their life was dead and all that was keeping it going was one measly little heartbeat? That is currently how I feel. I look around me and it seems like everyone else’s lives are taking off and branching out in so many ways, and I feel like I’m at a standstill. Sort of like being stuck in traffic on one side of the highway—the outlook for moving within the next few hours is grim—and then looking into the other lane and seeing traffic moving as if nothing were happening. It’s maddening!
Whenever I wake up, I just realize that I’m living day-to-day, and that’s really not how I want to live. I have nothing to look forward to [except a wonderful appointment in heck Friday, when I’m getting my wisdom teeth literally cut from my mouth] and nothing to make me anticipate the next day. Every single morning I think about what I’m doing that day and nothing ever changes.
I realized how hollow my laughter sounds today. That whenever I laughed at someone’s joke or giggled lightly at something said at the lunch table or something—my laughter just felt so empty. It really sucks when you forget how to laugh properly. That’s the drop-off point. I think that’s what got me.
All my ‘girl-friends’ [they’re in quotation marks because I don’t really think of any of them as great friends, they’re just people whom I share my days with and have friendly conversations with from time to time; none of them make an effort to know me personally so, I’m not making much of an effort either] are starting to ‘discover’ boys. This would be good and well, I’m proud of them, but it just it’s everyone. Well, not everyone, there’s one sad little exception. I’m betting you could guess who that is.
I doesn’t help my ‘single-issues’ that prom is coming up. Coming up in May, that is. But, for a school as small as mine, it’s a big thing. Anyways, this is the first prom that my sister will bring her boyfriend to, and all the other girls are batting their eyelashes at boys and so on and so forth. But, here’s the thing, my mom has been rattling off random guys I know to try to get me to ask them out. Not that the guys I know are bad, they’re just not boyfriend/date material.
Maybe I’m just being picky. I really shouldn’t be picky. When there are five guys in your high school, you really shouldn’t be picky, right? Ok, I take that back, I wouldn’t date any of the guys in my high school if my life depended on it. That and the greater majority of them have girlfriends.
I’m beginning to see a trend. I’m alone. Plain and simple.
You know it’s sad when your ranting to no one in particular about your own personal struggles and issues. I guess it should help to just get it off my chest. But, somehow it doesn’t. I need a better outlet. Perhaps I should go smash/break something…?
[goes back and reread post thus far]
I’m sorry ya’ll had to read all that. I truly am. Just skip through it or something. Don’t even bother to comment… Sorry that I’m complaining about nonevents. I just have issues...
