...and nothing really every changes.
Don't remember when the last time I posted was. Had to have been sometimes last week. Eh, not much has happened. I was sick last week--had a bad cold. Went home early on Tuesday and watched Tale of a Vampire. It was actually pretty good. It was uber corny, and cliched though; but, I was so out of it, the lameness didn't bother me. It was about vampires, the guy in it was handsome [even if he's old enough to be my dad], and there was a lot of blood and gore. I was appeased. Anyways, so I'm pretty much all better now.
I got my report card Friday. I passed. I got one friggin B. That sucks, it keeps me from all A honor roll. Not that I care about honor roll, I'm more concerned about college. Yes, I know they could probably care less that I failed one test in high school government class and it pulled my grade down a couple points--but I'm still paranoid.
What else is going on with me? I don't know. Basketball season starts today. My mom's the coach, and my older sister plays on the team [and I'm a lazy bum who doesn't play] so I'm stuck at school until they get done. I also have dance today. Yipee. It's only like 2 months in and I'm already regretting taking this class. I used to adore ballet, now it's more like an obligation because it's expected of me to continue doing this through my senior year and then my mom wants me to minor in dance in college, and that's just not going to happen. For one, I'm not good enough, and I'm not stupid enough to dilude myself into thinking that I am good enough. And for two, I dislike it now. I know it's probably because I dance with a whole bunch of snobish, stuck up brats who only care if their hair looks alright, or if they have a boyfriend, or whoever is sleeping with who, and omigod did you see what she was wearing yesterday. Whereas, I have a life.
Ok, so I don't really have a social life, but at least I'm not shallow. And I may have a little bit of an issue with my teacher...it's the same old thing year after year, nothing changes. She could at least make it interesting--and I always feel like all eyes are on me, because I'm the only one who doesn't openly whine about class so they think I'm extremely passionate about it, whereas I'm not. So I'm always the leader, the one where they're like, "Well, you're good so it's ok." Or "You can do it, you actually care." And yeah, I care because my parents have supported me finacially through my entire dancing career, so I don't want to let them down, and I care because my teacher has striven to make sure I can dance properly and she devotes her time to it, and I care because it's expected of me because that's the type of person I've put up the facade of being. Yes, I'm caring little Ink. I always have to look pretty, and be polite because if not it will reflect poorly on my parents. Because they have an image to keep up, and they think I'm turning into a recluse...and I know I am, because nobody ever really cares--because nobody ever sees! They just see what they want to see. They see someone who has it all together, someone who pretends everything's ok. Because it's easier to pretend than to think that out of all of your classmates you're the only one to have never had a significant other, and you're the only one not to be invited to go to the movies on Friday night, no, you find out that your ENTIRE class met there Friday night while you were at home, staring at some story that you want to write and want to publish, but you've just realized that everyone is signing the praises of some other girl in your class who is pretty, and talented, and thin, and smart, and all the things you're not.
Because obviously, I've been dilusional to think that I'm ever going to amount to anything when everyone else is popular, and pretty and smart, and talented. I'll just be someone who never amounts to anything. Never does anything extradorinary. That's what people like me do, we just exist. We don't live. Life goes on, and nothing ever changes.
