So today, I received some news. A while back, my family had been planning to go to Idaho to visit my cousins for the winter holidays. A fun little thing that would bring us together. "Okay," I would think, "This is going to be the best Christmas ever! Until I discovered that... My sister... Wouldn't be driving back home with us. She is going to finish out her senior year in Idaho. Away from me.
I didn't think it would be hard for me to accept, really. When my mom told me, though, I couldn't keep myself from crumpling up into a ball on the floor and sobbing. I have to admit, I haven't cried this hard since... Since who knows when. *wipes eyes* Gosh, I'm crying right now for goodness sakes! T.T
I sat on her bed and we held each other for 30 minutes without saying a word. The only thoughts going through my head were things like, "Don't leave me. Don't go. I can't be without you." Finally, Chiara (my sister) spoke. "It'll be better this way, believe me." Of course, that made me cry harder. My cousin, Joshua, has a brother, Kaleb. Kaleb will be going on a church mission in Texas for two years. I tried explaining to Chiara that once Kaleb left, Chiara would be replacing Kaleb as Joshua's 'sibling', and Joshua would be... Replacing... Me. I'm going to be all alone. I can't believe that I never noticed how much I seriously need my sister. She's the thing, I found, that has kept me from going completely insane all my life.
Once she leaves me, I will be an only child. *chuckles softly* I thought that that would be the best feeling. But all I feel right now is helplessness. Some part of me just won't let go. I had grown up not appreciating Chiara, I figure, I had taken her for granted. As I look back, I can only remember the things that I will lose from her leaving me. I smile when I remember the days when we used to build lego houses and create our own worlds. When we would sit outside on our backs and just talk. The days when we would turn on the music and dance to our hearts' content. When she would hug me. When we would cry together. When we would love each other. And when she leaves, all that will leave with her. She will not be there for me to walk up and hug, or to embrace and cry on her shoulder. She'll be gone.
She tells me that I have to be happy. For her. She says that this is the hardest decision she has ever had to make in her life. She doesn't want to leave me. She tried convincing me that we would be closer. We would talk about things besides asking to borrow each other's clothes, or yell at each other. We would be able to write letters and send spontaneous gifts. That was when she broke down crying. I laid my head in her lap as she told me.
"I don't want to lose you, Mariya. But if I stay here any longer, I will. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. Please understand." Her body shook as she choked back tears. "Please, be happy. Find the best in everything. For me."
Even at that point, I couldn't do anything but cry and nod. Cry and nod. A final embrace and exchanged 'I love you's'. I left. It feels like a piece of me just died. And no matter how hard it is, I am going to try for her. I'm going to try to find the best in everything. I truly love her, I notice now, and I had always thought that she would be with me forever. But now is the time that my perfect life has to change, whether I want it to or not.
I love you, Chiara. More than anything. More than music, more than my friends, more than life itself. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but I'll try to hang on. For you.
I don't know if any of you stuck around reading this until the end, but if you did... Thanks, I guess. You guys on here are like my second family; you'll help me get through the hard stuff.
- Mariya-Chan.
