Feel free to join me.

I just realize that the only people I invited to my New Year's party are Aaron, Alana, Ian, Jeff, and Becca. Becca can't come.
I feel like such a fucking loser. I'm an idiot. I'm not even capable of making a decent playlist. Who the fuck listens to Violent Femmes or Joel Plaskett or the fucking Beatles? I let Alana make the playlist. What difference does it make? No ones going to dance.
Ian gave up going to another party so he could come to mine. What the fuck? And now him and his best friend are going to spend New Years at my house with my best friends and my aunt and uncle. Yeah, real fucking cool.
I keep telling myself I'll never host another party because this always happens. 'Quality before quantity' right? Wrong. No one wants to be one of a party of five. Its so fucking lame.
God, I'm such an idiot. Ian said he doesn't want to 'screw up' because he really likes me. Holy shit, he thinks he screwed up? Wait til he sees this bullshit. He thinks I have alot of friends because for some fuck all reason people like to tell me things. I don't tell people things, but they tell me things. I don't talk to people, they talk to me. And somehow that means I have alot of friends? If I have alot of friends, then why do I feel the need to keep everyone in my life seperate from one another?
Ian met some of friends ONCE. I pray to god it never happens again.
My plan for grade ten was to not be such a loner. I gave up being with the people I clung to, people I didn't get along with or even like. I TALKED to people in class. TALKED to them. I used to sleep through all my classes. I tried to be sociable. I tried out for a fucking musical! I RAISE MY HAND IN CLASS.
I know this sounds like everyday shit for most people, but I'm such a loner. Sometimes when people talk to me, I freeze up and I end up staring at them until they give up and go away.
I know I suck, but I'm trying so hard. I have no idea why I'm so upset. Its probably going to be fine, it usually is, but I'm still sitting here praying and hoping and trying to convince myself that ... that what? Everything will be okay? That I will somehow manage to pull off whatever the fuck I've gotten mysef into?
I don;t know what parties are like. Know why? Yeah, I don't go to parties. Why would I be wanted there? I'm no fun. I don't drink. I don't fuck. I don't do anything. I'm a straight edge. I walk the fucking line. Somehow, theres nothing about me thats strikes people. Fuck, I try. I want to be noticed. I want to be someone that people want to get to know better and hang out with.
Know what I do after school? I go to work. When I don't work, I do homework. When I don't to homework, I listen to music and visit websites trying to find a concert to fill at least one hole in my social calendar.
Sigh. I'm done bitching myself out online. Happy New Years.