welcome to the world that will make you piss yourself laughing, i warn you that some jokes are intended for adults and mature teens, but im neither, so who cares. lets get laughing. anyone got a joke they want to post, pm me and ill open the door for you.click here to hear a prank call(requires windows media plaer) please comment on any post, on what you think of it.

i owe my mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

two nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: ! It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run twice faster than man with his pants
down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

women over 40

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!