I'm sorry that I haven't been on recently everyone, I've been goign through a lot of shit recently. It's sort of hard to explain, but I'd like to make a list of it, if that's okay.
1) My father is sick, very sick. He's 70 years old and people (even himself) have said that he might not recover from it, this may be it for him...
2) My mother has been sick as well, she went to the doctors and is getting blood work done, it may be serious.
3) If you remember back a bit then you remember the my first girlfriend, the one who used me right? Well, she's hurt one of my friends again. All of my friends are all "First she hurt you then she hurt her! Unforgivable!" And they're picking sides and shit. The "Neutrals" and the "Against Jenna" sides. At first I was on the "Against Jenna" side, but then I realized something. This isn't anything like what happened with me. They keep saying that they were all hurt and shit when I got hurt, but that's a lie. When my friend got hurt, everyone stopped talking to Jenna, they really stood up for her. But when I was hurt by Jenna, nothing changed. Everyone was still her friend, nobody asked if I was okay, nobody asked if I wanted to talk about it. Nothing So I joined the "Neutrals". And now my friends are being little baby-cries about it.
4) Okay so you all know that me and SamuraiPanda broke up right? Then I got a girlfriend? See, the thing is, I don't really have feelings for that girl, I was planning on breaking it off with her when I got back from spring break. But because of the fact that I choose to be a "Neutral" she stopped talking to me and was a bitch to me. So I asked her for my jacket back and haven't talked to her since. It sounds really bad, but I was only goign out with her because I just needed someone's warmth. I guess you could say I was using her...
So when she ignored me, it hurt like hell. Because it hurts when the used become the using.
5) I had a band event yesterday. The senior, Jenna, who everyone was bitching about sides over, went with me. She was like "Mine!" and hugged me and shit. Then she said "...for today...?" I already knew how this would turn out. This girl is like a prostitute, she'll be with anyone if they can benefit her in some way. This was what, the third time her and I have had one of these "flings"? I knew her reasons before, but this time I didn't know what she would gain, and I really didn't care. I just needed to be wanted at the time. So I went along with it, holding hands and cuddling. But when she tried to kiss me, I stopped her. I'm not goign to kiss someone that doesn't care about me. She's the only person I've kissed so far, but I won't kiss her again. Because non of those kisses meant anything to her. So I stopped her when she tried. It was the only thing I was proud of when I got home.
6) To be honest, I don't believe in love.
I've never seen a relationship work out, so "love" seems like a faraway fairytale to me. I've seen it in shows, read about it in books, and I admit, I really wish I could have a relationship like that. But seeing my history so far, I don't think I will.
7) I'm a complete idiot and I really hate a lot of things about myself.
8) On the band event Jenna tried to get me to talk.
She could see that I wasn't happy. She told me her little sad story, and said
"Problems like that hurt to keep bottled up. I know you're afraid to open up because you think that once you do you'll be left, but nobody will leave you."
You're wrong. I think that because everyone that I opened up to has left. I thought. She was such an idiot, if she thought I was that stupid.
I told her one of my problems, and tried to make it sound as sad as I could so she wouldn't dig deeper. It worked.
The truth is, I was dieing to open up, to talk about some things. But not with Jenna. I knew I couldn't trust Jenna. The one person I wanted to talk to I could never get alone, and I wasn't about to tell my life story in front of a bunch of bitches.
9) I've decided on the one thing I'd would be happy doing forever. I want to make a living by singing. I want to join a band with a bunch of my friends and become famous. I love to sing, I write songs too. I was in a band for a while but I couldn't sing with them. Partly because I was shy, but mostly because I didn't have a clue how the harmony would go for the lyrics. But next time, I won't let it stop me. Plus now I know the other members of that band better, so it'll be easier to sing in their presence. The problem with this is the small fact that I don't think I can sing...
10) My sister was separating herself from the family. She would basically ignore us, and everyone was worried about it.
I called her and told her everything.
That my mother blamed herself for her leaving, that we missed her, that I was scared of losing her...
I explained my mother's motives as well.
I cried a lot.
But we worked things out, and understand each other more now.
Even though, no, because I cried I fell much better now.
That's the reason why I can write this now.
I didn't tell my sister any of the shit that was goign on besides the problem that concerned her.
I don't want to open up to my sister, I would feel weak.
I want to open up to my true friends. I want to know I'm strong enough to do that.
