this will probably be a depressing post. so read at your own risk.
i was up till like 3:30am. which sucks in and of itself, but the reason i was up was worse. i was thinking about donnie, which is never a good thing. luckily for me b-chan was up to so i was able to talk to her and not just lay there and be miserable. last night was the most upset i've been in a really long time, because thinking about donnie always reminds me that he never actually wanted me. my mom got pregnant with me before they were married. when she told him she was pregnant, he decided that he didn't want another kid, since he already had my half sister, and he ran off with another woman. another woman who had a freaking kid. he didn't want another kid, so he ran off with a woman who had one. makes perfect sense right? that's what really kills me. like, what, i wasn't good enough? it's not my fault he apparently didn't know how to use a condom. i can't even describe how horrible it is to know your own father didn't want you. i was a year old before my parents got married. and donnie didn't even want to marry my mom, he was cheating on her the whole time they were together. and then he wonders why i don't want anything to do with him. it's not like he cares anyway, the only reason he ever visited was because my grandpa got on his case about it. i don't know why my mom ever told me this, i would really rather not have known. i actually don't remember when she told me, she usually doesn't talk about him unless i ask but why would i have asked about that? it seems like the more i try to forget about him the more i remember. and none of it's good. i don't have a single good memory of him. just yelling and calling me names on purpose to make me cry. and then there's the not feeding me and my sister, and not taking care of us after the divorce when he had us for the weekend, and walking around by the freaking train tracks because he didn't bother to watch me, and freaking LEAVING ME IN THE TOY STORE IN SECOND GRADE. me and b-chan were actually trying to figure out if he should be in jail. because that was neglect, but apparently it's not bad enough for him to be arrested. neglect, verbal and emotional abuse... no wonder I'm in therapy.