Lifeless on the floor in my now darkened dormitory. The cold floor echoes my breathing as I struggle to stand. The very strength inside my soul thirsts for power. The very hallowed whispers hissing in my unraveling mind; he is hungry and my love is starving. Starving for the completion of exchange; hunger, my love, and I shall feed you.
I am now standing, my head yearning for the ground. Tiles turning, blood evaporating. I see the unseen, you see the meaning. I see the unseen you see the predictable. I clutch my heart. Oh! How she aches! I close my eyes, breathing intermittently, envisioning a calm disaster.
In my vision there is fire burning at the castle walls. Trees are made of ash, smoke clogs the moon; suffocating her in the night. I then see a white dove, she soars into the flames burning peacefully, crying, screaming, but no one hears. Her pure white feathers made of flower petals transform into the very core of her skeleton. Death forever burns within the smog. She forever burns outside her home with the guilt that never again will she fly freely; never again will she be able to glide around her family without hell being upon her shoulders. I stand there in the clarity of the storm, alone. And my mind rushes back into reality.
I gasp; I choke, and reach for the dresser. Balance was a necessity for this senseless trick. Sound returns, my breathing now normal.
“Dinner is closely approaching,” says the glass-framed clock hanging in my room.
“I know,” I respond, softly defeated, holding my arm.
“What ever are you going to wear for the princess?” His eyes opened and stared at me. I quickly did not make eye contact. I did not want to linger in this realm anymore. I found myself stuck again in the twilight of reality. Gazing into the clock's eyes would be a sign of acceptance, the acceptance of residing in this lost consciousness unknown to most men and women. I looked towards the ground in fear, my teeth chattering and my eyes tearing.
“Red, blue, green, yellow, brown, orange, pink, black…” I began to name colors in various order hoping that this approach would lose the clock's interest in me. I could hear him humming along with the tune of his ticking, making up rhythms. The ticking so loud but, my body immobilized. I tighten my eyes shut, shunning this away, saying a spell for peace. The words of the spell are of a language only known to me. My mind is pacing, the clock is ticking, and my heart argues against me. I think of my dove and fall to the ground; my arms are now full of life. I plug my ears and hear him again. He’s hungry, he wants her, and he wants me too …No! “Voice, turn to whispers and slightly disappear! Sweet relief, fill in the gaps of my agony and fear!”
I wake up alive and out of breath. I am on the ground; I stare at the clock on the wall and see that time has not stopped. There is no face, there is no voice; it was just a dream. But what isn’t a dream is the fact that I have to get ready to dine with the royal family, to dine with my love Yelena. We shall gaze into each other’s eyes from across the room smiling and laughing in a flirtatious manner. No one will recognize are secret love together. After the dining we will go under the moonlight and tell each other stories of our pasts. I want to share with her the thoughts I cannot share with anyone. I want to tell her the secrets of the voice inside my head, how frightened she would be and I will hold her closely to me as she cries tears of blood.
I dressed appropriately well for dinner with the King and his whore of a wife. I sneered at myself in the mirror, disgusted by the appearance of my eye patch. I lifted it up, in some weak hope of an eye being there; however, only darkness seeped into the tunnel of the unknown. Some days I play with it; most days I dare not poke around with it. Today was a day I was not to delve into it; for today was the day I die.
I picked up the soft brush next to the mirror, smoothing my hair down from such a rude awakening. My hair was white, but my face young. My eyes are red from his blood lust. I touched the ironed-on earrings on my left ear; a punishment for my misdeeds. I still remember the day; I was in the training field and my arm had fallen asleep . . . that’s about all I can recall.
Heading out the door I bumped into one of the maids. Her face was blushed and filthy and her hair was messy; disgustingly attractive. She was young and was new to the castle. I cared not for her status only that she bumped into me. I grabbed her by the back of her dress raising her slightly off the ground.
“I am so sorry!” She shrieked hiding her face from me. “Please Count, do not be mad! I heard crashing and thought something was wrong! I did not mean to cause problems. Please find forgiveness.”
“You heard…crashing?” I mumbled softly in her ear, gently placing her down on the checkered floor.
“I-I uh…” Chocking for words I sense fear in her heart. I wanted to rip open her blouse and tear it out of her, hungry so hungry I am. HUNGRY SO HUNGRY I AM! My mouth salivates at the very thought of her innocent suffering. My heart aches, my head screams out for redemption. Too long will my mind go unrested. I let her go, I can hear her voice but I do not know how to respond. Frozen in time, I stammer, “R-run….away…Run…Run…”
Her head tilts down towards mine. “What?” she politely asks. I see her cherubic young face, her big brown eyes so full of concern. Just like the ones she gave me so long ago. I look down and see darkness. My eyes see only darkness, black matter in another realm. I still hear her voice calling to me, asking me if I am alright. But my inner vision sees different. A man with sharp teeth approaches me calling my name, tempting me. I resist and resist but he pulls me towards him. A pain twitches in my neck. I am gone from myself and he has taken my place.
I can see, but cannot stop. I grab the maid by her throat. She cannot scream, she cannot talk and my life becomes unknown. No one’s around to see my crime as she slowly suffocates. I hold her neck tighter in my palms, my other arm moves in to help. Her eyes, turn feint and I let her go, crying on the inside. I take a breath and run to her side, hoping her breath can co exist with mine. “Wake up, my dear, wake up!” I shout and my head begins to ache again. My knees shake as I pound her heart. Please, please wake up. I beat her, crying, full of fear and confusion. Wake up, my dear, wake up. I pull her close to me, her breath is gone. Wake up, my dear, wake up.
I pick her up gently in search of a room. I pace down the halls unnoticed, hunting for safety. Her hand twitches upwards. I place her on the floor, “Are you alright my dear?” Her eyes strain for sight as she looks towards me and flinches back. She cannot speak, only squeaking and moaning towards me. I grab the back of her head and rock her close to me, apologizing and trying to explain that what I do is not for me but for the lines of tragedy. When I blacken from reality there he is awaiting me. My heart, it crumbles as I fail towards this dark reality, but when I wake from this dark matter I become myself again. Rocking her and myself as though she was the inside me. Trying to tell her it’s alright that this is all just a dream.
I don’t recall what happens next.
I arrive at the scene of dinner and they stare at my awkwardly. I was late and I profoundly apologized, take a bow, look up and I see Prince Reyles sitting next to my love. My eyes glared towards his unglamorous personality and I sit down. Princess Yelena is gazing upon me with curiosity; I do not look at her back. Although my love was strong for her, I was still in disappointment from the court yard. I did not regret spitting upon her flowers. It was more of a silent victory to me. The next time you smell them you shall become invested with my snot, princess.
I cocked my head towards prince Reyles, eating his meat like a child. He picked apart the skin and bones, separating each piece individually. The King, however, ate so fast and monstrously, I was surprised he didn’t choke upon his very munches and growls. The queen was not eating; she only stared back at me. Did she know what I did wrong? Her hair was pulled back to see her pale glory. Her smile was painted on her face like a smeared water mark. Her eyes were pearly brown and her body was flat and broad.
I looked down upon my plate, I didn’t have much of an appetite for blood seeping meat tonight.
“Where were you, Count?” The Queen asked me casually, but in a tone of suspicion, “Too busy with your nose in that book?”
“I put my book away for the night,” I responded without looking back towards her. I was too busy staring at my beloved. Everything she did was perfect; cleaning her mouth with a soft cloth napkin, how adorable, so divine.
The Queen continued questioning me and threatening me like I was some sort of dog. “If you arrive late again you will not join us the next dinner. Nor will you be invited.”
What was I, some sort of child? “Yes, milady,” I tried to say in my utmost respect voice. Though the chills quivered down my spine I winced a smile towards her direction. I could sense the very strain upon my delicious embassy, my guests waiting for my arrival.
The King took a large breath from eating. “Let the man be, my blossom, he has been through too much to go on starving.”
It was at that moment I felt the urge to confess my love of Yelena to the King, but my senses halted me. Which in a way was a great thing, thank the heavens I still have control of my mind! I laughed out loud by mistake from such relief and joy.
The queen remained silent and looked down at her daughters. One who was younger than Yelena, she was a real piece of work; never talking out of place, only doing what is supposedly right. I gave her a present before last spring. I gave her a parrot, she let it go and it flew into disaster. I dislike happy endings.
“What kind of magic do you study exactly, Count?” The prince asked me. He dare speak to me? How despicable.
I looked at the princess and responded, “You know, the basics, but mainly Mind Control. It becomes a useful strategy in combat. The ability to take control of another being or inanimate object is the glorious fault of nature!” I reached to the air for a dramatic effect. However my audience was not impressed and only stared at me, blankness wrenches.
Yelena blinked twice. “That sounds disturbing .”
“Oh, but it is disturbing, my Princess. And it is very hard to master. My thoughts upon it…”
“There is no such thing as mind control, dear,” Prince Reyles interrupted, reassuring the princess, “only the illusion of being controlled. You do not have to be afraid of something that doesn’t exist.”
I felt my eye twitch. I twisted the napkin on my lap in anger; he thinks he is smarter than me. He thinks that I don’t know what I’m doing. They are all laughing at my presentation. I see it in their eyes! I see it on their faces! Stop laughing at me, stop it! I do know what I am doing, my work is flawless! Beating me down into the dirt as though you were higher. You are not the same as me! I know! But you are not greater than me either! I am smarter, I am stronger! Yelena, please save me from these thorns that pierce my beliefs.
“Control does exist,” I said nervously and softly, “one controls what they say; they control what is about to happen within themselves.”
“But,” the prince began again, “our minds are private and no one can enter unless we allow it to.”
“The mind may pretend to be private but it is not!” I stood up from the table. “There is a separation between the believable and the unbelievable! Like a private room or letter it can be accessed in the same manner. You may think that it is protected but I assure you that it is not!”
The prince just stared at me, dangling his fork between his finger tips. I had won this argument.
“Now, now, calm down, Kapranova.” King Rolloy said to me. “There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to opinion. Now let’s all just continue eating!”
I just sat down, my appetite came back and I was starving.
After the upsetting dinner I came towards Prince Reyles and Yelena. They both looked up at me at the same time.
“I need to speak with the Princess,” I told Prince Reyles.
“Well you can find your own time, Count,” He told me back sternly but most surely threatening.
“I need to speak with the Princess about something now.”
“You are just a Count. What business is so important to be spoken upon in private? I am her future husband. Whatever you share with her will be now shared with me.”
A bit protective you have become, young frail Prince. But I have outgrown your threats and your sarcasm. I know you too well to be afraid of you. Yelena hid behind her love and whispered something to him. She wanted to go to bed. I understand.
“Good night, my Princess,” I say to her, “do not sleep too late or the demons will torment you.”
Just then I felt a swift slap across my cheek. It was the prince’s glove that stained my face pink. “Do not say such things to my beloved! I will have you arrested if you ever speak like that towards us again!”
My head remained in the position to where it was moved. My hair covering my eyes, I was hit by the man that I hate. I was hit... No, stop. I do not want to hurt them. I only wish to save myself. Do not involve them in this. I want what is best for the love of my life. I want them to be happy, I want to be free! Where is the dove that showers in the fire? Where is that dove that hungers for light?
“I-I am sorry.” I walk away quickly from both of them, before my heart becomes permanently cracked.
As I storm through the long elegant halls, I hear a scream most devastating. It was Yelena. I rushed towards her direction, towards her bedroom. There everyone stood in silence. The king motioned me to come closer to look. And there I saw it. The young maid, lying half naked on the Princess's pearl-white sheets stained with blood; her heart escaping out of her chest. I covered my mouth in shock. The carpet, the mirror, the couches, the curtains; all stained in her dark sickened blood.
In the silence I felt the burden of suspicion; all signs pointing towards me. Hawk eyes staring down upon me as I reached inside my mind for an escape. Rocking myself in my mind saying, wake up, my dear, wake up. I know not what I do when I am away but when I am here I apologize. Stop sleeping my dear, wake up; Daddy will show you a new song to sing and the birds will fly away.
My name is Matoyac Kapranova and I regret being born. My life seems a waste of time and my heart beats for no reason. I have killed animals when I was younger just to watch them suffer. I watched them die slowly and silently, praying for their slumber. I do not know where I was born; I remember little. I also enjoyed the time I spent with my old pet fish. His name was Stewart. He was a good friend. Never speaking, always silently staring, and piercing into my spirit. Only he could see the real me.
