This was an AP Brit Lit assignment we were given a few weeks ago, based off this paper. So it's supposed to be rather smartass.
Funny thing is, I ended up getting a 20/20 on this...
I am quite a remarkable figure, though my talents and skills lie mostly in the private scene rather than out in public, which is why you haven’t heard of me. I am a dreamer and a realist, an artist and a scientist, a thief and a lawyer.
Like many, I come from humble and normal origins. I was born on an exotic island nation, though the weather was never really that great. My father was a war veteran who fished while my mother enjoyed teaching orphaned zebras how to cooperate with life. Although they died when I was young, they left me in the hands of their friend, who raised me to be a wholesome, well-rounded individual.
I’m a pirate and a ninja with cybernetic arms and fox ears. I can create water out of thin air, which came in quite useful while traveling around the world in my pre-teen years. Well-trained in the art of the sword and romance, I have won over princes and vampires alike with my daring escapades and charming words.
My part-time jobs have granted me unique opportunities. I once saved my boss from the death sentence, rescued hostages in the middle of a war zone, resurrected an ancient warrior, and saved the world from chaos, all before curfew. Sadly, I have yet to earn a raise.
In my free time, I enjoy fighting against evil tyrants, selling handmade jewelry, raising crayfish, baking muffins, competing in dance competitions, and chopping firewood. I construct elaborate theater sets on lazy Sunday afternoons while maintaining conversations with several people scattered across the continent.
I can solve rubix cubes, decipher the meaning of life, create the Philosopher’s Stone, and prove the existence of Bigfoot with enough time left over to paint my house – two coats. In my underground lab, carved out with a teaspoon, I conduct many scientific experiments that range from cloning to time travel to hydroponics, all while running a successful mail-order business aboveground.
During the summer I create ice sculptures, escort political figures to and from the mall, clean Victorian-era drapes, and read assigned literature before the alarm has chimed. To keep my brain active in the three-month rut, I play daily chess matches against Deep Blue, maintaining my perfect win record.
I break world-records everyday, walk across water, stand on clouds, travel faster than the speed of light, and can hold my breath longer than you can. Also, my face makes toast.
But I have yet to attend college.
