Because psychoanalytical analysis has embedded itself in my brain. I find the topic interesting and simultaneously hilarious, so I'm using it to write an essay with for English.
Written with the you-know-who duo for lulz and randomness.
----
Tati blinked when the woman – creature – alien – thing – frowned deeply, looking rather cross at the knife she held in her hand.
“Uh…against violence?”
“Hardly,” she snapped in response. “What I want to know is why you call it Mister Stabby.”
The Doctor slapped a hand to his face, dragging it down with a groan. “Oh – Tati, I told you –”
“I just do, what’s wrong with that? I give lots of things names. It’s like my thing.”
“What other things have you named?”
She pointed at the Time Lord, expression blank. “Doc.”
“Wh – don’t call me Doc.”
“Too bad, I do.”
The alien-lady’s left eye bugged out while her right shrunk. “What about other things? Inanimate objects?”
“Oh well – his thing that he uses – I called it Mister Sonic once.”
The Doctor snorted. “Yeah, never again.”
“Russell’s pistol. Mister Blasty. Then it got blasted.”
“Ah yes…”
“Do you name everything like that?!” the lady asked, almost furious. Tati looked at her and raised an eyebrow.
“Uh...like?”
“Like with a mister? Anything ever a miss?”
“No, why?”
She pointed a finger at the Doctor. “You have a nickname for him, how about anyone else?!”
“Well – Russell is Russ and Brent was sometimes –”
“You had a nickname for him? His name is already one syllable!”
“- he was sometimes Bre-neh, don’t ask, I was ten. I called Simon Si sometimes.”
“All men,” the lady seethed before she jabbed a globby yet accusing finger. “Young lady! You have a fixation…on the man!”
Tati blinked. “…The? Definitive article?” She looked at the Doctor. “Doesn’t that mean ‘one’?”
“Um – I would hope you know, given your grammar habits.”
“True.” She turned to look back at the alien lady. “Um – I don’t get it.”
“You have been brainwashed by your culture! You nickname only men and give male articles to objects! A gun, a weapon of power – and this man’s screwdriver, your switchblade – phallic imagery!”
Tati continued to stare, but the Doctor almost gave himself whiplash by snapping his head back. “You think – wot?!”
“Obviously it’s good for you, fool, wielding the power of a phal –”
“Woah woah woah!” The Doctor swung his arms out. “Stop, right there.”
“And why should I listen to you?! Do you think you hold more authority over me simply because you are a man?!”
“Hardly!” the Doctor shouted, exasperated at the course of conversation. He snapped his gaze to Tati, who had just cocked her head to one side and was frowning deeply, trying to understand what was going on.
“Tell me then, Doctor,” the lady hissed, her assumed-hands morphing almost as if pulsing with blood. “Why do you think she does that?”
“Uh? I – um – I – because she’s…she’s who she is?” He sighed. “Look, I’m hardly one to try and explain her. Why should I explain her? Can’t you accept her for what she is and the habits she has? You know – it just is?”
“No! Everything within us can be explained, Doctor, and I want to hear what possible explanation can come from her!”
“…Hey,” Tati suddenly spoke, nudging the Doctor’s side. “Dictionary.”
“Eh? Wot now?”
“What’s...phallic?”
His face turned red, partly out of the subject manner, partly out of irritation. “It’s…Uhm…It’s…It isn’t a noun, so the term itself isn’t an object. It’s an adjective, used to describe things that look like...or refer to…uhm…” He tried to think of the best example he could without being too lewd. “It’s…” Finally, he shut his eyes and pointed down. “Get it?”
“…Cro – oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhh.” She paused. “OH! Oh ew, gross!”
“Precisely.”
Tati then had the word roundhouse kick her in the head again. “What the – what, no!” She turned to the alien lady and swung her arm out, switchblade pointed at her. “I give nicknames to the guys I meet because any woman I meet would kick my ass for it!”
The lady nearly buckled over. “What?!”
“Guys are easy to make fun of because they are who they are. They’re dumb.”
“Hey –”
“Except you Doc, you’re not dumb – okay, yes, you are, you can be – you’re special ‘cause you didn’t have a name so I had to give you one.”
“I have a name!”
“That is so not a name.”
“So what you’re saying…” the lady spoke forcibly over the two, “Is that you...aren’t…”
“I think respect for women is more of what she does,” the Doctor answered with a grin. “Giving a man a nickname that he obviously doesn’t enjoy –” he nudged her “- is her way of asserting her power over him.”
“You’re thinking about this way too deeply,” Tati sniped. “It’s just ‘cause I like messing you with guys is all.”
----
“You know, maybe her theory on you having deep-rooted psychological issues isn’t that far-fetched.”
“This coming from a man who calls his spaceship a girl?”
“That’s – that’s from tradition! It’s a human thing!”
“I dunno. Seems like deep rooted psychological issues to me…”
