...is the title of the book I'm reading. It's a collection of completely random essays written by Michael J. Nelson [once again - yes, that guy] that cover the span of...everything. Pessimism, the men's locker room, being a debt collector, women's lotion, clothes, and reading bedtimes stories, just to name a smidge. The problem is that it's funny, so reading that at school during SSR is incredibly difficult because I sat there, reading one about tennis, and doing my best to not laugh too loudly.
Random excerpts:
On passwords: It asks for my e-mail address, which I give, and it then sends me my password "hint", which I myself typed just under an hour ago. I like fish, is the hint I provided myself, which of course is no kind of hint at all. Obviously I was smirking my way through the "hint"-creating process, probably too busy patting myself on the back for saving eleven cents on bike lube and in general being a wiseacre.
On pessimism: Most people just dabble in pessimism, of course, choosing to apply it at times when something is required of them. "All right, let's go move that piano," says a friend. "What's the point?" responds the pessimist. "The universe is a cruel joke and we're all going to die." Yet the same person, when handed a really good imported beer, won't say, "No. You keep your delicious porter. Life is never-ending suffering and there is no balm in Gilead."
On [Home] depots: How did our stores get so big that we could flood them and re-create sea battles if we wanted to (and who doesn't!)? Back in my day - and I'm still trying to figure out when that was, or if I had a day at all - we used to be able to go into stores and walk clear to the other side of them in one afternoon. Now the cereal aisle alone is longer than the Appian Way.
From the TV history one: According to the legend, Farnsworth got the idea for television at age fourteen while out plowing his field. I for one feel a special kinship with Farnsworth, for when I was fourteen out plowing our fields, I got the idea to go get some Oreos. We are brothers in spirit.
On men's fashion: Oh, some designer or other will parade his male models down the runway wearing camouflage dresses or colorful muumuus and big army boots, but as nice as that sounds, it won't help. We are limited by the medium.
However, there are some things we can all do right now that will help. First, put some pants on. Secondly, and just as importantly, leave them on. At all times. It will be inconvenient at first, mostly while showering or having any kind of leg surgery, but you'll get used to it and come to enjoy it as much as everyone's enjoying not seeing your privates.
We had a free period in AP art, so I took to finishing up one of the essays I had started during SSR. I then remembered this one - the one about the men's locker room - and knew that Brian would like it because he goes to a gym. I read the last paragraph [which is one of the best damn things ever], and suddenly I have about three people wanting to borrow the book when I'm done. >>;
I've fallen out of reading, but I've been finding out that...oh, this is kind of a shocker...I like essays. Oh my God, I can't believe I just typed that. I discovered this out due to the fact that we have this textbook in AP English called The Bedford Reader, which is a collection of, well, essays. When I found myself flipping through it and reading one about this lady quiet being a vegetarian, I had to stop and go "I'm reading an essay form a school book because I want to". Sheesh.
