For the first time in a long time. It's mostly hormones since it's lady time of the month ha... But I feel kinda bad because I almost cried in front of the guy I like... half the reason I'm so frustrated (besides the mood swings) is because I like him, but I don't know what to do about it.

What was nice was he invited me to his office (he's president of a gaming club on campus) to study together, which I thought was completely saucesome... I was all nervous, since I knew that it's a small intimate office (... there's a couch) But of course, I knew it was going to be just about studying, which it was, and I'm fine about that. However, because of all the hormonal loser imbalance, I kept feeling insecure, or paranoid, or whatever... I kinda was slightly snippy. I don't think I said anything in the office, really... I can't even remember at this point (just letting you know, it's not like there was a fight or anything...) Well, he'd been giving me rides home every other night since the semester started, so I said I'd walk home for once. (Also, I knew I was an emotional wreck, so I didn't want to be that way ion front of him) Then he mentioned that he felt like I was trying to push him out the door (I had asked him if he'd planned to stay the whole class period) and I felt like I'd done something really bad and at that point, I was starting to lose a little control so before I'd started crying, I was telling him that I'd walk after all, and he continued to insist that he'd give me a ride. I finally said "I really would rather just walk home" but my voice cracked, so at that point, he knew something was wrong. I was already several steps away and he was trying to coax me back. I walked back and he gave me a hug (not long enough for me, but hey, it's late XD). And he was trying to comfort me and stuff. He doesn't know that the reason I was almost crying was because I'm agonizing over what to do about him, though...

Anyway, he gave me a right home and I sincerely thanked him after we sat there and talked for a bit. After I stepped inside, though, my face was sad. My mom asked me if I was okay, and I really couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I was crying but I felt stupid because I was crying for no real reason in particular, but I couldn't help it... Just like my whole insecure, ping-pong thought process... This time around, it's hormones. But also, I'd been holding back on crying because I didn't feel like I deserved to cry or that I should cry. And even though I know that's a bunch of bull, it didn't help because I'd still try to stop myself from crying before it got too far. Gah, I just keep thinking about how scared I am that I'm going to ruin a friendship because of my feelings. And I'm sure it's not just that problem, as there's a bunch of other things that are stressing me. It's just that's what's at the forefront of my mind atm.

*sigh* I may have more crying that I need to do, but for now, I'm just tired. Mata ne, minna *goes to bed*