STEP BY STEP
And together we move forward, one step at a time. Step by step.
…
ONE -- look over here
Setsuna feels Konoka stare at her back, feels the intensity of her gaze, feels her desire to rekindle the ties of friendship Setsuna had carefully cut away years ago.
Setsuna hears Konoka’s silent plea for her to turn around, to step out of the shadows and help her regain the cheerfulness she could only experience with her childhood friend. But Setsuna is afraid.
She knows the moment she gives in, the harder it will be for her to maintain her calm façade and keep hidden the secret that can never be revealed. She knows the moment she gives in will be the moment her fragile mask of denial will finally break.
Behind the excuse that she wants nothing more than this – a lifetime of perpetual sacrifice and devotion for her ojou-sama – Setsuna feels secure. Chances, after all, are not for her to take.
…
TWO -- letter
When a letter arrived asking for a swordsman from the Shinmeiryuu to help guard Konoka in her new school, Setsuna volunteered immediately. Little did she know that Eishun had drafted the letter with her in mind. Setsuna was strong and powerful, but above all, beneath the icy exterior that had formed over the years, Eishun saw and remembered the genuine will to protect Konoka, even with her life. A will that managed to strengthen over time, despite the years spent away from each other.
And that was one attribute more important than rank or status or level, because true strength could only come from a pure desire to protect that one person dearest to you. In Setsuna’s hands, Eishun knows Konoka will be safe.
…
THREE -- jolt!
The rays of sunlight shine through the curtains and onto Konoka’s waking face. She hears Asuna return from her newspaper rounds followed by “Get you paws off my underwear… NOW!”, accompanied with the sound of Chamo being forcefully thrown against the wall, and the dull thud of gravity pulling him back onto the floor. Stretching, Konoka smiles, gets out of bed, and gets ready for school. This is routine.
The smell of breakfast, the friendly teasing over the morning’s incident, the rush to school, the stampede of students making their way through the hallways. This is routine as well. This is what she knows, what she is sure of. A constant in her everyday life.
But this is also routine: Konoka accidentally runs into Setsuna. Before Konoka can recover, before words of apology can be given, Setsuna is already gone. No words, no acknowledgement that Konoka was even there at all. And Konoka can’t help but look at her back, at her indifferent expression as she looks out the window, and wonder why there is a dull ache in her heart every time she looks Setsuna’s way.
…
FOUR -- our distance and that person
Within the confines of the shadows, Setsuna can freely observe Konoka. She can see the joy on her face when she is surrounded by her friends. She can hear the laughter as it floats merrily in the air. She can smell the sweet smell of Konoka’s newly washed laundry, the smell of her hair, and the slight smell of breakfast that sticks to your clothing no matter how careful you are.
She is but ten steps away, and Konoka’s presence is almost too much for her to bear. It takes all her self-control to remain in the shadows, away from that person who means the most to her, to convince herself that this is what she really wants; that it is enough.
She hears Konoka’s footsteps draw near and silently counts to herself. Ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three steps… is too close, so she retreats further into the shadows, hiding herself from Konoka’s view.
Yes she thinks to herself, this is enough.
Somewhere in her heart she knows that some distances can never be crossed.
…
FIVE -- “hey, you know…”
The bell rings and Konoka quickly searches the crowd for Setsuna.
“Hey, you know…”
She looks left, then right and sees Setsuna leaving the room. She is about to follow in case she can still catch up to Setsuna’s hasty departure when she sees a hand right in front of her face.
“Hey, you know…”
Startled, Konoka turns to face Asuna.
“You know, I’ve been calling you for some time now. Are you feeling alright?”
Konoka spares a short glance to the hallway only to find that it is already too late. The hallway is almost empty and Setsuna is nowhere to be found.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” she finally says, but under the scrutiny of Asuna’s concerned gaze, she begins to doubt the truth of her words.
…
SIX -- the space between dream and reality
When Setsuna dreams, she dreams of Konoka. She dreams of being able to talk to her, to go back to those precious days when they were younger. In her dreams, she is flying.
She sees a ribbon unfurl and twirl itself around them, clasping their hands together. But then chains form around her wings. She sees blood pour through the white feathers, staining them a deep crimson, pulling her down, pulling Konoka down, and she realizes that it’s now or never. She pulls out her katana and with one sharp flick of her wrist, the ribbon is cut, and she watches as Konoka floats upwards – safe.
She wakes up. This is her anchor, keeping her in reality before she drifts too far into her dreams.
When Konoka dreams, she dreams of many things, but mostly of Setsuna. Of the day they first met, of the day they fell into the river, of the day she left, of the day they met again. When she wakes, she continues to dream. She dreams of a day when she and Setsuna go back to the friends they once were.
Her grandfather once told her that some dreams are bound to be forever unrealized; that no matter how much you want something, it may never happen. But Konoka has faith in Setsuna, and her hope cannot be easily estinguished. To her, Setsuna is more that just another memory; she is not willing to let her fade away. And so she continues to pray in the hopes that their someday will come.
And it does.
…
SEVEN -- superstar
Konoka chuckles as she shuts down the computer, silently thanking Negi for teaching her how to browse the wonder that is the internet. After all, without it, she would never have discovered the wonderful site aptly named “The Princess and Her Samurai”, a fanlisting dedicated to that one picture she took with Setsuna in Kyoto. Reaching into her pocket, she takes out said picture and runs her fingers over Setsuna’s face, feeling the familiar texture of the photograph on her skin.
Sensing the object of her musings enter the room, she puts it back into her pocket and thinks that maybe, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to order more prints… or maybe even a poster. Grinning to herself, she stands up and catches Setsuna’s attention with a wave.
…
EIGHT -- our own world
It’s raining hard and Setsuna is wet. Very wet. Cursing herself, she hides under the shelter of a tree. Sitting down, she realizes that this is the first time she has forgotten her umbrella, and absent-mindedly begins to wring the bottom of her shirt in an attempt to dry it.
In her mind’s eye, Setsuna recalls a day just like this, years ago, when she and Konoka were younger, when lightning was scary and thunder was worse. She recalls cutting across the muddy lawn, desperate to reach Konoka who was hiding underneath a bush as soon as possible. She recalls reaching out her umbrella to cover Konoka’s shivering form and wrapping a towel around her to shield her from the cold before guiding her home.
A flash of lightning suddenly illuminates the sky, and her eyes are drawn to a lone female figure running towards her, an umbrella in hand and a worried look on her face. Without a word, Konoka reaches her hand to Setsuna’s own and pulls her under the umbrella. She looks up and smiles.
When Setsuna finally gets over her shock, she offers one in return amongst bumbling words of gratitude, and together they make their way back. Just the two of them, just as before. Roles reversed.
…
NINE -- dash
Good atmospheres are so easy to destroy, Asuna thinks. Moments ago, everything was fine. Negi and Konoka were laughing, and even Setsuna was trying to suppress a grin. But then it all went wrong.
Asuna places her fork back onto the plate and wonders if maybe she was the reason for the tense aura in the room. Maybe, just maybe, she shouldn’t have gagged when she put that delicious looking piece of cake into her mouth only to discover that that one little piece in all probability had enough iodine to last her two lifetimes and beyond. Or maybe more.
Konoka coughs, and watches as everyone’s eyes turn to her.
“Secchan… how much salt did you put in?”
Swallowing, Setsuna wipes a bead of sweat that threatens to drip from the side of her face. She knew she shouldn’t have volunteered to help in the kitchen. She knew something bad would have come out of it. She just didn’t know it would be this bad.
“A… a dash… just like you said…?”
“And how much is a dash of salt?”
“Ah, well, um, you see, ah, ojou-sama… when you said ‘dash’ I thought 100 meter dash so when you gave me the tablespoon I thought you wanted 100 tablespoons of salt… for each person…?”
Silence. Setsuna sees everyone else stand and look her way with strange, murderous expressions – oh my goodness, is there a red gleam in their eyes – and thinks that now would be a good time to run.
…
TEN -- #10
Setsuna wipes the sweat from her brow. Training with Evangeline is always hard, but Setsuna is grateful for the faith Evangeline has in her abilities and the extra push she gives because of it. Without it, she is afraid she might not be able to protect Konoka from all harm.
“You love her, don’t you? Konoka, I mean.”
Shocked, Setsuna stops her movements and turns around to face Evangeline. Just when Setsuna is about to reply, Chachamaru opens the front door of Evangeline’s home and comes out with a tray of tea. Sighing, Evangeline reaches for a cup and motions lazily with her hand for Setsuna to join her. A few moments pass by before Setsuna ventures to speak again.
“I don’t—” She starts, but is cut off by Evangeline who has just finished her tea and is putting the cup down.
“There’s no need to hide it from me,” her eyes narrow. “It’s obvious to someone as old as I am.” Setsuna makes a move to interject, but stops when she sees her raise her hand.
“You are half-demon, Setsuna. How long do you think you and Konoka could be happy together? Your happiness with Konoka, your love... it may never be accepted...”
Evangeline lowers her gaze. The conversation is bringing too many memories back to the surface of her mind.
“Are you okay with that, Setsuna?”
The question is left hanging in the air. Setsuna opens her mouth a few times, attempting to voice out an answer, but she knows that it is futile because the brutal truth is: she doesn’t know.
Smiling sadly to herself, Evangeline dismisses Setsuna and walks back into her house, Chachamaru following closely behind. And with Evangeline’s retreat, Setsuna is left alone in the silence of the garden with a question she has no answer to.
…
ELEVEN -- gardenia
The sun is shining brightly in the sky but despite the warmth and cheerfulness of birds singing in the trees above, her mood is dampened slightly when she sneaks a glance at the person beside her. After all her efforts to get them back together again, she wonders if she has done something to make Setsuna sad, or worse, if Setsuna doesn’t want to be her friend anymore.
When she asks what’s wrong, Setsuna always avoids her eye and mumbles that it’s nothing and that she shouldn’t worry, but all that does is make her do just that.
So wrapped up in her thoughts of Setsuna, she does not realize that they are going the wrong way. In fact, she is so wrapped up in her thoughts of Setsuna that she does not notice where she is walking until she walks right into a tree.
Startled out of her reverie by Konoka’s yelp, Setsuna hurries over to help her up, only to trip over a tree root and fall flat on her face. Laughing, Konoka squats down next to her and uses her left hand to pick out a flower that had somehow attached itself to Setsuna’s uniform after the fall.
“Secchan, do you know what flower this is?”
“It’s a gardenia, Ojou-sama. I heard it can be used to treat diabetes and…”
She stops talking when she feels Konoka’s warm hand on her face. Immediately, a blush appears on her cheeks and the only thing she manages to stammer out is a feeble “O-o-ojou-sama!”
“You know, Secchan, gardenias mean ‘joy and good luck’. Even if you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong, I want you to be happy, okay?” Konoka cocks her head to the side and continues, “The gardenia looks pretty on you.”
Laughing again, Konoka removes her hand from Setsuna’s cheek and walks off. It is only when Setsuna feels the loss of warmth that she registers the fact that Konoka had put that flower in her hair. Gardenias smell nice, she decides, and starts following Konoka, desperately trying to hide the ever-growing blush.
Konoka’s eyes dart back and twinkle at the sight of a red tinge on Setsuna’s cheeks. Gardenias also mean secret love.
Whistling, Konoka continues walking away.
…
TWELVE -- in a good mood
“I FEEL PRETTY! SO, SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTYYYYY AND WITTYYYY AND GAYYYYYY!”
Negi gulps, trying to block out Konoka’s singing in the background.
“Konoka-san is just… in a really good mood today,” he says while stepping out of the room, closing the door behind him. “She’s not drunk at all.”
However, when he sees the bright red hue of Setsuna’s face and her twitching eyebrows, he realizes that he wasn’t quite quick enough to stop Setsuna from catching a glimpse of Konoka singing and dancing on the table… in nothing but her white panties and a bra.
Scratching his head sheepishly, he resigns himself to the fact that he probably has some explaining to do.
…
THIRTEEN -- excessive chain
When Setsuna dreams, she dreams of Konoka. She dreams of her newfound joy of being able to talk to her, of going back to those precious days when they were younger. In her dreams, she is still flying.
She sees a ribbon unfurl and twirl itself around them, clasping their hands together. But now, no chains form around her wings. Now, they wrap themselves around the two girls’ bodies. There are no more wounds for blood to pour from. No white stained crimson.
Now, they are weightless, and Setsuna’s wings are able to soar and carry them above the clouds. Together. Safe.
…
FOURTEEN -- radio-cassette player
It’s like a nightmare, Setsuna thinks. Of all the activities that could have been chosen as a unit in gym class, it just had to be dance. Although Konoka was selected to be her dance partner and although being able to be near her is nice, the close proximity is almost enough to make Setsuna implode especially now that she is practicing with Konoka in the confines of her room.
The person who chose dance is going to pay.
Unfortunately, before she can exact bloody murder on whoever made said decision, she is knocked out of her thoughts by Konoka tripping over her feet and falling face forward into Setsuna’s breasts who, after all the accidents, is now redder than a tomato.
Not bothering to hide her completely red face, Setsuna jumps back and apologizes for her misconduct, completely oblivious to the hidden smirk on Konoka’s face.
“Maybe,” Konoka says, while pulling out a radio-cassette player from her bag, “We should try this with music.”
At Setsuna’s questioning gaze, Konoka continues, “Kaede lent it to me when I said I was going to practice dancing with you. She was practicing with Mana so she just left the tape in.”
Setsuna watches as Konoka presses play, and rushes over to her, placing her left hand at the small of Setsuna’s back and the other in Setsuna’s hand. And then they wait for the music to begin. After a few moments of silence, sound comes out of the radio-cassette player, but to say that it isn’t what they expected would be an immense understatement.
“Unh… guh… yesss… right there… yessssss… guh…”
Dashing to turn it off, Konoka puts a finger to her lips in a show of thinking.
“You know, Secchan, I think I’d better return this to Kaede.”
Setsuna can’t agree more.
…
FIFTEEN -- perfect blue
Most days are spent in the classroom followed by a short walk together before Setsuna goes off on her rounds. But today, Setsuna has no rounds to go to and for the first time in a long while, they can be together with no obligations or duties shadowing their every move, reminding them that their time is limited.
On days like these, they would usually look for Asuna and Negi and find something to do together. Sometimes the four of them would go watch a movie, sometimes they would play a game, or sometimes they would flop themselves on the floor lazily and sleep. But today, Asuna and Negi can’t be found leaving just the two of them to find something to do on their own.
Wiping the stone with a piece of cloth, Setsuna offers Konoka a seat next to the fountain, light sprays of water blowing into her hair. A glance at Setsuna’s face and Konoka recognizes the lost look in her eyes – the same look Setsuna had the day she discreetly admitted her love for Setsuna with the gardenia.
This will not do, she decides. Grinning mischievously, she slips her feet out of her shoes and falls backward into the fountain. Expectantly, Konoka lies in the fountain waiting for Setsuna to reach out her hand and when it comes, she tugs at it and laughs when she hears the splash of Setsuna falling into the fountain with her. Hearing Setsuna eventually laugh with her, however, comes as a pleasant surprise.
Despite being utterly wet, Konoka thinks that somehow, looking at the blue sky above and listening to the sound of Setsuna’s laughter, there is something about the situation that is simply absolutely perfect. Smiling, she turns and splashes Setsuna with a handful of water.
Perfect indeed.
…
SIXTEEN -- invincible
Konoka sees the carefree Setsuna, feels the softness of her skin, but it is times like these when she hears her soothing voice underlaced with an ongoing current of pain that Konoka can’t help but think that Setsuna isn’t as invincible as she thinks she is, and that someday, it might be her who has to protect Setsuna instead. With that thought in mind Konoka strides purposely to her grandfather’s office. Earlier, he had asked Konoka if she would be willing to spend more of her time training her healing capabilities, even if it means that she would be able to spend less time with her friends, with Setsuna.
Recalling Setsuna’s lost expression, Konoka gives him the answer that had been in her heart the moment her grandfather asked her. There had never been any answer but this:
“Yes,” she says, and although startled, Konoemon smiles and nods. It is all as planned.
…
SEVENTEEN -- kHz – kilohertz
She isn’t sure when the glimpses became tinged with longing and desire; she isn’t sure when she first discovered that her eyes lingered longer and longer on Setsuna’s lean arms, on her athletic legs, on her dark, flowing hair when they showered; nor does she remember when she began to watch the drops of water slide down Setsuna’s neck, slowing making their way under the towel wrapped around her breasts. She does not remember when she first wanted to take their place.
But she knows this: When she is with Setsuna, her feet spring up a little more from the ground, her stomach does little flip-flops every now and then, and her smile shines a little brighter, but most of all, her heart beats a little faster. And she realizes that this is love, because only love can make you this hurt and this happy at the same time.
Placing a hand on her chest to feel her heartbeat, accelerated by thoughts of Setsuna, she wonders if Setsuna feels the same way.
…
EIGHTEEN -- “say ahh…”
This looks vaguely familiar, Asuna thinks, flipping over the piece of something (cake, perhaps?) on her plate. The special “Setsuna Iodine Cake” was ingrained in everyone’s mind, and it was with utmost reluctance that Asuna allowed Setsuna to help Konoka cook dessert again. Leaning on her arm, she ponders whether it would be a good idea to put that dubious morsel into her mouth. Sensing shifty gazes being sent her way, Asuna sighs, lowers her fork and brings the piece of cake in question to her lips. After all, it couldn’t be as bad as last time, right?
Gulping, Setsuna waits for the verdict, Konoka’s death grip on her arm being the only thing keeping her from rushing out the door that instant. Nervous, she watches as Asuna slowly chews, prolonging the tense silence at the dining table. And then she stops. Whimpering softly, Setsuna closes her eyes. I thank the heavens for allowing someone as unworthy as I to be able to stay nea—
“Hey, this tastes pretty nice.”
Wait, what?
Chuckling at Chamo’s dash to the cake and Setsuna’s shocked expression, Konoka picks up her fork and reaches over the table.
“Ne, Secchan, say ahh ”
“… ahhh?”
Kill me now.
…
NINETEEN -- red
When Setsuna thinks of the color red, she thinks of Konoka’s favorite sweater, the color of sun as it sets in the horizon, how Konoka looks when her uniform catches its rays, and the color of her own cheeks when she realizes that she’s staring a bit too long. Red is the color of love, fire, romance, power. Red is passion. It’s the color of a mind clouded by anger – it is the color of the world through Setsuna’s eyes when Chigusa holds Konoka hostage, cold knife edge pressed against the side of her neck.
Konoka sees Setsuna rush forward, sees the underlings taunt and slash and draw blood. It is an unfair exchange, she thinks. There is only one Setsuna and the underlings never seem to stop appearing. And that is when she hears it, a muffled cry of pain. She is almost afraid to look, but it is Setsuna and she can’t not look.
Her eyes dart to Setsuna’s figure, at the blood trickling down Setsuna’s face, arms, legs, at Setsuna’s hands covered in dry, caked blood. She watches as Setsuna rises and falls and rises again to somehow beat the monsters blocking her path and when she is finally free, she runs to Setsuna’s side, crying, healing, hoping that Setsuna will be alright. And her wounds heal, but the blood is still there, dry, clinging onto the fabric of her shirt, pooling around them.
Red, after all, is also life, death, and everything in between.
…
TWENTY -- the road home
The trip back is spent in silence, everyone occupied with their own thoughts. Konoka runs her hand through the sleeping Setsuna’s hair, frowning at the specks of blood that weren’t completely washed away.
Sighing, she shifts her gaze to Negi and Asuna. They both must have felt her stare, because they both turn around at the same time, and when their eyes meet, all they can do is look at each other with expressionless eyes because there is nothing they can say to comfort each other in the face of the new truth. No matter how many times they wash their clothes, even if the stain and metallic smell disappears, they cannot hide the fact that the situation has changed; the enemies are stronger, and now it is them who are too weak.
Once they arrive, Negi turns to her and offers his hand to help her down but, in the light of all that has happened, all she can manage is a weak smile in return.
…
TWENTY-ONE -- violence
“We’ll face them together.”
Looking at the carnage surrounding him, Negi is reminded of the words that passed through Setsuna’s mouth before she grabbed Yuunagi’s hilt and rushed forward into the fray. Faintly, he smells the putrid smell of blood drift towards him, spreading around the battlefield underneath the unnaturally bright sun. The weather shouldn’t be this pleasant, he thinks, but a part of him knows that those who died would have rather seen the glare of the sun’s rays, and felt that tiny bit of warmth on their cold bodies.
Hearing Asuna call out to him, he turns around and is met with the sight of her leaning against a tree, Konoka following closely behind. Sighing, Negi covers the body next to him with a black sheet of cloth.
This isn’t the way things were supposed to be. No one was supposed to die. Not even Chigusa. They were supposed to stop Chigusa’s plans and leave with everyone intact. In the end, they were able to defeat her and her army of demons, but…
It is what they wanted, yet at the same time, it is not.
He doesn’t know whether he should be happy or sad, but at the relieved look on Konoka’s face when she sees Setsuna limp towards them from behind the trees, all that comes to mind is that it’s good to be alive. And for now, it has to be enough.
…
TWENTY-TWO -- cradle
It’s one of those days where Konoka doesn’t feel like doing anything except for lying on the freshly cut grass, cool wind in her hair, hand reaching up towards the endless sky. She doesn’t know why, all she knows is that it just is, so she grasps Setsuna’s hand tightly in her own and bounds down the stairs as soon as class is over.
The sky is clear, and the few clouds in the sky drift lazily across the vast sea of blue. Smiling, Konoka releases Setsuna’s hand and lies down on the hill, soft soil cradling her small frame. When she doesn’t hear Setsuna shuffling down to join her, she turns her head sideways and pats the ground next to her with her left hand.
“The weather’s very nice today, isn’t it?” she asks as Setsuna sets herself down beside her. A few moments pass by, and Konoka is tempted to say something to break the uncomfortable silence, but out of the corner of her eyes, she sees Setsuna smile, nodding slightly. With that one move, the air around her is suddenly less apprehensive, less constricting, so she lets the next few minutes pass by in silence, tracing the paths of the clouds up above with her eyes.
When she next turns to Setsuna, she finds that Setsuna is already asleep, the faintest trace of a smile gracing her lips, and Konoka feels free, as if in that moment, she could fall asleep and dream only sweet dreams for the rest of her days.
It’s because it’s so peaceful, she realizes, and wistfully, reaching over to trace her hand over the sleeping Setsuna’s cheek, she wishes they could stay like this, side by side, forever.
…
TWENTY-THREE -- candy
Konoka watches as Setsuna wipes a bead of sweat from her brow. She didn’t expect the temperature to be this warm, but on the bright side, she thinks, this was a good excuse for her to get some ice cream, which is why she is standing in front of the ice cream vendor holding two cones of ice cream in her hands. Quickly, she walks over to where Setsuna is standing and hands her the chocolate ice cream cone before it begins to melt and drip onto her hands.
Giggling at the red shade of Setsuna’s cheek, Konoka licks her vanilla ice cream, savoring the refreshing sweet taste. Although she may not look it, Konoka is a very fast eater, and when she pops the last bit of the cone into her mouth, she finds that Setsuna is desperately trying to lick the melted ice cream off the sides of the cone to prevent it from sticking to her hands. Konoka decides to watch.
It is one of the rare chances where she can look, really look, at Setsuna without worrying about being caught, because Setsuna’s mind is only focused on her losing battle with the ice cream. She watches as Setsuna’s tongue wraps itself around the side of the cone, watches Setsuna’s eyebrows furrow, watches as the determined glint in her eye grows stronger, and she knows that if Setsuna turns around now, she won’t be able to hide the immense longing in her eyes.
Setsuna doesn’t glance upwards until much later, after Konoka has already hidden the flash of desire from her view. Laughing, Konoka takes a piece of tissue out of her bag and wipes the remains of the ice cream on the edge of Setsuna’s lips. She doesn’t know what comes over her then; maybe it was the way Setsuna’s mouth was slightly agape, or how her face seemed to glow with the fading light of the sun, or maybe it was how it just seemed so right, but the next thing she knows, her lips are pressed lightly against Setsuna’s own.
Setsuna pulls away, shock on her face, and it is only then that the magnitude of what she did comes crashing down on Konoka’s consciousness, and it hurts when the fact that Setsuna recoiled from her kiss sets itself into her mind. It hurts even more when she sees the scared expression on Setsuna’s face because all that comes to mind is that Setsuna is scared of her, scared of her affection, and before she knows what she’s doing, she’s already running. Away from Setsuna, away from the shock, away from everything.
And it is only when her legs give way under her that she finally stops and allows herself to cry.
…
TWENTY-FOUR -- goodnight
The stars have already surfaced against the darkness of the sky when Setsuna makes her way back to the dorm. She doesn’t understand, she decides. Konoka kissed her, she should be happy; what she had only ever dared to dream had become reality, but she doesn’t know why her body retracted from Konoka’s at that crucial moment when their lips met. The question plagues her mind, knots itself into her stomach, reminding her of Konoka’s face when she tried to stop her tears from falling.
Somehow, her feet carry her outside Konoka’s room, and it takes her a few minutes before she can gather up the courage to place her hand on the rough wood. Leaning her forehead against the door, Setsuna takes a deep breath and knocks.
She is not surprised when she sees that it is Asuna who opens the door. Shifting nervously, Setsuna makes a move to speak, but is stopped by Asuna shaking her head sadly and motioning for her to step to the side.
“Konoka,” Asuna pauses, unsure of how to continue after seeing the helpless expression on Setsuna’s face.
“She doesn’t want to see you right now.”
She expects Setsuna to nod curtly and walk away like she always does, but this time, this time Setsuna is just standing there, head bowed, shoulders slumped, radiating an aura of sadness that shakes Asuna to the core. It pains her to see Setsuna like this, but Konoka is her friend too and although Konoka wouldn’t tell her what happened, she knows that it has to do with Setsuna, so all she can do is offer an apology she isn’t sure she is entitled to make.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs, and closes the door behind her.
Placing her hand against the doorframe, she feels it shake slightly when Setsuna slides herself down, back against the door. She feels the vibration when Setsuna leans her head back, and although she isn’t sure, she swears she can hear Setsuna cry.
…
TWENTY-FIVE -- fence
It only takes a short while for the rest of the class to notice that something is terribly, terribly wrong between Konoka and Setsuna. There is no more teasing, and Konoka rushes out of the room too quickly for them to ask her why, and they would ask Setsuna too, but she doesn’t want to answer their questions either, so they leave her to stare after Konoka’s back as it disappears around the corner, wondering why, despite Setsuna’s speed, Konoka can’t be caught.
They can’t help but think that, in this twisted game of cat and mouse, the cat is now the one being chased and, like Asuna, there is nothing they can do but watch.
…
TWENTY-SIX -- if only I could make you mine
The scene replays itself in Konoka’s mind over and over and over again. She relives the moment every time she sneaks a glance in Setsuna’s direction, every time she opens the door to the empty apartment, every time she is alone. And every time, it becomes harder for her to stop the tears from falling.
Slumping forward onto her bed, the thin cloth of her blanket catches the edge of her lips and she is reminded of the feel of Setsuna’s lips against hers. Even if it was for but a moment, Konoka knows that those are the only lips she could ever want to kiss, and she hates herself for not being able to stop the wanting, the longing, the needing before it consumes her whole.
By the time Asuna returns, Konoka is already fast asleep, hair spread haphazardly on her pillow, mouth shaped into a frown. Sighing, Asuna walks over to Konoka’s bed pulling up the blanket from the floor, laying it over Konoka’s shivering body. This isn’t the way things are supposed to be either, she thinks, and moves to turn off the lights. It’s not supposed to be like this at all.
…
TWENTY-SEVEN -- overflow
She once hoped that someday the chance would come for her to express her love for her ojou-sama, that someday, she could admit to the love she had kept hidden for so long, because it is hope, despite being concealed under the subconscious, that keeps you alive when nothing else will. She wants to talk to Konoka again, to apologize, to tell her the secret she can no longer keep as her own, and that the overflow of emotions makes it harder for her to face each new day Konoka chooses to spend away from her.
Images from her dreams pass through the vestiges of her mind; the red thread, the wings, the flight – her. With that thought, Setsuna rolls off the bed and strides purposely towards Konoka’s room. She has to save it from falling apart before it even has a chance to begin, before it’s too late.
…
TWENTY-EIGHT -- wada calcium CD3
Asuna doesn’t know how she knows, but she knows. She opens the door before Setsuna has a chance to knock, quickly stepping outside to confront her before she does what Asuna, what everyone, has been waiting for her to do. Taking a deep breath, Asuna looks Setsuna in the eye, searches them, and finds a sense of purpose she didn’t see the last time Setsuna stood outside that same door. Smiling, Asuna pulls Setsuna after her into the room.
“Oi, Konoka! I’m going to stay over at Ayaka’s tonight. She seems to have kidnapped that little brat again. See you tomorrow for lunch, okay?”
Grinning mischievously, Asuna pulls Setsuna in for a brief hug and quickly leaves, slamming the door shut behind her. Wincing at the harsh sound, Setsuna slowly makes her way deeper into the room, fingers brushing against the bottle of calcium on the tabletop before resting on the doorway to the bedroom. Gulping, Setsuna puts her hand on the doorknob and twists it open.
…
TWENTY-NINE -- the sound of waves
Konoka is lying on the bed when she hears Asuna call out to her, but Asuna’s words are unable to penetrate the haziness of her mind. Stumbling, Konoka gets out of bed and walks over to the bedroom door hoping to see Asuna before she leaves. Before she even makes it halfway there, however, the door opens and she comes face to face with Setsuna, and all the emotions she had carefully, carefully pocketed away come flooding back. She wants to kiss her again, to feel those lips on hers, to be embraced in those arms; most of all, she wants to say that she’s sorry, but despite all that, the words that come out of her mouth reflect nothing, show nothing, reveal nothing. They aren’t the words she had in mind.
“Why are you here?”
And she barely recognizes the voice as her own.
When she hears no answer, she ventures looking upwards, away from the spot on the ground she had been staring at before, gasping when she suddenly feels Setsuna’s arms around her. She feels her heart beat faster, she feels that familiar tingle run throughout her entire body, and she knows that if she stays any longer in Setsuna’s embrace, she won’t be able to stop needing her.
Slowly, Konoka’s slides her hands through the space between Setsuna’s arms and her body and pushes her arms away, pushes Setsuna away.
“Don’t touch me,” she says, so softly Setsuna almost doesn’t hear. “Please, just… don’t touch me.”
Looking up, Konoka sees the pain in Setsuna’s eyes, and feels a twinge of regret settling itself in her stomach. She quickly quashes it down before it stops her from doing what has to be done. Pushing Setsuna out of the way, Konoka makes her way towards the door, fully intent on getting away from Setsuna before her defenses crumble again.
Setsuna isn’t one to take chances. She has always known this, but when Konoka pulls her arms off of her, the sharp jolt of something that runs through every part of Setsuna’s body removes all her inhibitions, and when she sees Konoka walk past her out of the corner of her eye, she decides to take that chance, no matter the outcome, because this is one chance she isn’t willing to let drift out of her grasp.
She grips Konoka’s hand tightly in her own and pulls Konoka towards her, leaning her head onto Konoka’s back, wrapping her arms around her tight enough to keep Konoka at bay.
“Please don’t go,” she finally says, her voice a bare whisper. “I’m sorry… I…”
And Konoka realizes that the wetness on her back is from Setsuna’s tears.
Not trusting her voice, Setsuna slowly turns Konoka around to face her. In between her tears, she wipes the side of Konoka’s cheek and, with her right hand behind Konoka’s head, she brings her up for a kiss.
Self restraint out the window, Setsuna kisses her with all abandon. It is slow and sensual and passionate, and in it is all of Setsuna’s desire, the feelings that accumulated over the years poured out into that one kiss to prove to the one person who mattered that she loved and was loved in return.
And when she feels Konoka kiss her back amidst tears of her own, their hearts beating as one, she knows that somehow, everything will be okay.
…
THIRTY -- kiss
Between the truths and non-truths, the lies and non-lies, it is easy to fabricate an illusion of happiness, telling yourself that you are happy, believing that you are truly happy even if you know deep in your heart that it isn’t real. Setsuna knows this. It was her life; it was the small sliver of falsehood that kept her going.
But here, in Konoka’s arms, she feels the happiest she has ever been; here, in Konoka’s arms, is where she had always wanted to be, and although she knows she may still be living decades after Konoka is gone, she is sure that these moments will be enough to last her a lifetime. Beside her, Konoka rubs her eyes, and grins when she notices that Setsuna is still lying next to her.
“Ne, Kono-chan…”
Overjoyed at Setsuna’s use of her name, Konoka leans over and catches Setsuna’s lips gently with her own, drawing her in for another kiss, and Setsuna can’t help but smile at the thought of the kiss that shouldn’t be hers… but is.
And she realizes that this… this is happiness. And it is more than she could have ever dared to hope for.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anime Yuri Pairings-Mai Hime,Negima,Sakura,Marimite,Miko
