Favorites:
Genre(s) of Music: Classical, neo-classical, rock, reggaeton
Song(s): Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, One-Winged Angel, Vanessa-Mae, Bach Street Prelude
Artist(s): Bond, Clint Mansell, The Used, Ludwig van Beethoven, John Williams, Black Violin, Muse, t.A.T.u., Killswitch Engage, 30 Second to Mars, Vanessa-Mae, Utada Hikaru, Emilie Autumn, 3OH!3, BoA, Dir en Grey, Tokio Hotel, Paul Oakenfold
Game(s): Kingdom Hearts, Soul Calibur, Mortal Kombat, The World Ends With You
Gaming Platform: Xbox 360, PS2
Character(s): Train Heartnet (Black Cat), Ludwig Kakumei (Ludwig Kakumei), L and Light (DeathNote), Axel and Riku (Kingdom Hearts), Kakashi-sensei (Naruto), Curious George, Sho Minamimoto (TWEWY)
Book: Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Manga(s): Black Cat, DeathNote, Rurouni Kenshin, Buso Renkin, Ludwig Kakumei, Kuroshitsuji, Axis Powers Hetalia, and Deadman's Wonderland
Color(s): Black, red, pink
Food(s): BBQ chicken, ramen
Dessert(s): rum raisin ice cream, chocolate pocky
Fruit: watermelon
Animal: felines

Tools of the Trade: Mental instability and something to write with. A good soundtrack doesn't hurt, either.
Favorite Quote: "When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her." --Michel de Montaigne

Anyway, been thinking more about what to choose as a career. Criminal psychology has been playing front and centre on my mind lately. I have to sit down sometime soon and write down everything I want to do, and then figure out how to put it all together. It's like a twisted logic puzzle. I just need to take the time to figure it out.

And then there's the issue of my parents. My mother has been wearing her wedding ring lately, and it really bothers me. Like, she has no clue how much it bothers me. I don't know what it'd do if one day she told me she was remarrying my father. Actually, I do. I would tell her that I've already voiced my feelings on the subject, and if she wants to disregard them, then I'm not going to do anything about it. And she would tell me that I need to forgive, and stop holding grudges, or whatever, but I would simply pretend to agree, and go about my merry way. What I don't know is how I would deal with having to live with that man all over again. I can barely stand it when he stays over on the weekends. I don't know what I'd do. I'd be so angry all the time. I don't want that. But I can't just accept it like he never did anything wrong. I have a very loyal sort of personality. I don't tolerate any wrongdoings against people I'm truly loyal to, like my mother and my best friend. I've manage to tolerate him for the past three of four years, but him coming back into our household is seriously pushing the envelope. And I realize that I "need" my father in my life, but not in the way that my mother thinks. I don't need him emotionally. I've done my emotional maturing without him. My emotions don't factor him into the equation, and I don't need him that way. He doesn't make me happy. I don't need him. And I almost feel bad, because although my mother tried to have us maintain a healthy relationship with him, she didn't exactly help with the way she always told us about how he did bad things to her, or whatshit. (By the way, whatshit: my word, equivalent to whatnot. Only better. ;p) Whether she realized it or not, she fostered a feeling of resentment in me just by seeing and hearing how much he hurt her. If she honestly wanted to have us maintain a healthy relationship, then she wouldn't have said, "Your father did a lot of bad things to me, but I can't tell you until you're older. I don't want you two to have a bad relationship."

I think in a divorce, whether they want to or not, the parent who retains custody of the child instills the resentment they feel towards their former spouse in the child or children. The child is the closest one to the parent, and the one that hears first all of the parent's emotions. So, unconsciously, the parent says things that subconsciously make the child turn away from the one parent towards the one they see the most, the one who has custody. I'm not blaming it on my mother, but it is partly her fault if I don't want my father in this house. She needs to understand that, but I don't think she does. I can't say it to her because she's so set in her idea that I have to forgive my father and give him a second chance, that she can't see the reasons why I feel how I feel. That's why I asked her for a psychiatrist a few years ago. She said she would, too, when she was getting the divorce. She said if we ever felt like we needed a psychiatrist, to tell her, and she would get one for us. I guess that was a lie, because I've asked her at least three times for a psychiatrist, and each time she asked me why. I told her because I needed someone to talk to. She said Talk to me. I said I can't talk to you because you're the reason I need someone to talk to. She got upset. So I dropped it.

I think that's why I came up with the people I talk to in my head, as substitute psychiatrists. A way for me to reason with myself without actually talking to myself. A different perspective, I guess. I just needed someone to talk to who would listen to me without judging. And as much as I love my friends, I can't talk to them. Not even my best friend, because, though I love her, she's not the best listener. She'll find every which way to change the conversation to herself. And sometimes I just need her to listen. Which is when I switch over to mental mode.

Okay, I really sound crazy, don't I. Well, here's something that's not crazy: I hate the Jonas Brothers. They suck. They are talentless boy-band clones. Everything they do has been done to death fifteen million times before. And they're not that cute. -_-'

I haven't much to say, really. Except, that Scheherazade story is getting out of hand. Eight pages, and I'm barely a third of the way through. She wanted five or six. -_-'

Maybe, I'll write the whole thing out, see how long it is, and then ask her is she minds reading, oh, twenty pages of material. My good friend John says that he doubts she would mind reading twenty pages of writing if I wrote it. I said, Aw, thanks, John. But twenty pages is still alot. Regardless, I think I'll post it up here when it's done. I rather like it.

As far as video games go, I won my first online match playing DOA! I only started playing online over Christmas break (I finally took the time to set it up). Turns out, shyness at interacting with new people exists even when you're not seeing them face to face. I almost passed out I was so nervous. I couldn't even remember which buttons to press. After, like, four or five losses, I quit, and practiced some more. Then I won! But then I lost again.

Exams and the inauguration (which I'm going to) are coming up soon, which means I have to pack and study. Joy. I also have to do an English poster project due Monday. I should be starting it now, but I'm lazy. One of my biggest vices is procrastination, because I always need a good reason to do something. When it's an hour before first period and I haven't done my homework for the class--there's a good reason. Something about the thrill of the deadline, like when there's a bomb, and you wait until there's 5 seconds left to disarm it--well, not you exactly, but you know what I mean. It's that adrenaline rush where you're like, If I don't disarm this bomb in five second, fifty million people will die instantly. Or, If I don't do this homework in the next five minutes, my mother is going to eat me alive and ground me for a week.

...The sentiment is the same.

I got the first couple pages of the Scheherazade story done, up to the first description of the King. I'm probably going to go work on it after I'm done here.

I'm having a miniature crisis again over what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know what I want to be, and part of the problem is that there are a lot of things I'm interested in. There's the FBI, which is one of my major goals, because being a Special Agent is a way I can protect people. Plus, the job description looks like something I would like. I can get rather vindictive at times, although I hardly act on it. And I like to protect people. Then there's becoming a biological research scientist, because I like biology. No, I love biology. And then there's becoming a criminal psychologist, because I love analyzing, especially analyzing people, and psychology fascinates me. I want to learn about people and about life. I want to discover all the secrets to the human mind, or at least as many as I can. Plus, people tell me i should be a teacher or the President of the United States. I'm actually considering both. I would like to be a teacher, but at a higher level, like professor in a college. Only, I don't like politics very much. But if I could, I would be the President. I have a lot of theories about the world and its problems...

Then there's the fact that I want to study music in Japan for a few years, like four. My mother, although I've said it to her several times, just recently realized that when I said four years, I meant four years, and not two. She doesn't want me to stay away that long, and tells me I'm being selfish by leaving my family. She thinks I want to go away because I'm running away from my family, but really, it's because I want to go somewhere where I can experience something new everyday. She doesn't understand the drive I feel to know things, and to experience new things. I can't stay in a place where I can predict what's going to happen days before it does. Also, I really like the Japanese culture, almost better than American, and would love to experience it firsthand. But I can't change her mind or how she wants to see things, because I've tried, and it doesn't work.

Anyway, right now I'm leaning towards criminal psychology, because I could get my degrees, and then move to Japan, maybe get a psychology job there, if not, a job teaching English. And then I study my music,come back stateside, and that's when I'll apply for a job...somewhere.

Sketchy, I know. But it's the best I got. I'm not so good at making long-term plans. I'm more of a crisis-situation kind of planner. I do well under pressure.

Well, I'll figure something out eventually. Soon. At least I did well on my SATs, so that's not a big problem. 2100, but I only got a 600 on the math. I may retake it. Blah.

12:20 am: Go to bed.
4:30 am: Wake back up. Proceed to finish history term paper. Completely disregard the voices in head saying, "I told you so."
6:20 am: Term paper complete. Proceed to Phase Two: Print the damn thing.
6:40 am: Paper is printed, breakfast is eaten, and the bus' ETA is 7:10.
6:45 am: Realize that there's no way both sister and I can manage a shower. Sacrifice shower to sister.
7:10 am: Scramble out the door to catch bus.
2:20 pm: Die.
3:00 pm: Lament the fact that before any anything can be accomplished, must clean up room.
3:30 pm: Room finished, starts on posting entry, i.e., this.

*Sigh* And now I've got a shitload of work to do. Today is what I like to term a "fuckplotz" day, especially since my mind is "flisching." Yes, I do make this shit up as I go along.

I've got a sonnet project due for English, a book to read for English, and play to read for English (I'm noticing a slight trend...), a bunch of test corrections to do for Biology, and, like, five little shit things and a story project due for Creative Writing. On top of that, I've got regular homework, plus a few projected tests/quizzes for Friday. Oh, what joy my heart is inspired to.

On the plus side, I've got scenes one and two posted up on my deviantArt. I'm trying to follow one of my N.Y.R.s (New Year Resolution) that says I should try to complete things before I post them, so I'm trying to finish scene four before I post scene three. But the way I am right now, I don't think I could manage it. Heartbreakers: The Ultimate Gemstone Experience, Spain Edition is a very casual, light, funny, happy, bros-before-hoes kind of story. Not the mood I'm in right now.

But the mood I'm in is productive for a Scheherazade legend remix, which is what I'm writing for that Creative Writing story project. We had to choose a fairy tale/fable/myth/legend thing, and rewrite it in some way, like modernize it, or a different perspective. I've decided to do Scheherazade: Darkstyle Remix, where Scheherazade is an assassin; her sister Dunyazade is a gunrunner; their father, the "vizer" Jafar is the "king's" best friend and ends up hiring his daughters to kill him; the "king" Sharyhar is really dictator for life of a futuristic world; and the stories aren't just pulled out of her ass, they're stories of her life. The plot is the same as the original tale, just the motive behind everything that happens is different, as well as the setting. I think I'll leave the original names in, just to give it a bit of flair. I'll probably end up posting it on my dA if you want to read it.

At any rate, I hope you had a good day. One of my other N.Y.R.s is to stop bitching about things that can't really be helped, only dealt with. So let me go deal with something now: obtaining proper nourishment.