It seems like everyone's telling me to do just that, but sometimes, they don't realize how hard it is. It's not so simple living your life when you can't find a viable purpose for it. Only fleeting moments, ephemeral triumphs that mean nothing in the grand scheme, and will only be forgotten as time progresses. The inevitability of it all...
I used to think, used to have some shred of hope that maybe someday my life will be worthwhile. But now, I'm not so sure I even have that left. Those lies, those contradictions--"you're unique, the world needs you, you and the talents that only you have"--"you're replaceable, there are a million and one other people out there who can do the same thing you do, it's a dog-eat-dog world"--how do people endure it? I'm certainly not strong enough. Only strong enough to survive, and just barely, at that.
Why try? I don't know anymore. I used to believe in love, but that was before. Before I destroyed myself like this in a vain attempt to preserve something not even worth the effort. No one could love me now, and even if they did, I would never let them. I couldn't do that to someone, just accept their feelings for me, all the while knowing how much I'll hurt them in return. It's unfair. I'll depend on no one but myself; that way, the only one I'll hurt is myself.
My only hope lies in death. Just give me someone to die for so I can live. Give me that meaning that I'm searching so hard for. Prove to me that any of this matters. I'd rather die for someone who...who knows their reason, than live a life forever doubting.
Musing at 2:38 a.m.,
Kat Black
