Anyway, been thinking more about what to choose as a career. Criminal psychology has been playing front and centre on my mind lately. I have to sit down sometime soon and write down everything I want to do, and then figure out how to put it all together. It's like a twisted logic puzzle. I just need to take the time to figure it out.

And then there's the issue of my parents. My mother has been wearing her wedding ring lately, and it really bothers me. Like, she has no clue how much it bothers me. I don't know what it'd do if one day she told me she was remarrying my father. Actually, I do. I would tell her that I've already voiced my feelings on the subject, and if she wants to disregard them, then I'm not going to do anything about it. And she would tell me that I need to forgive, and stop holding grudges, or whatever, but I would simply pretend to agree, and go about my merry way. What I don't know is how I would deal with having to live with that man all over again. I can barely stand it when he stays over on the weekends. I don't know what I'd do. I'd be so angry all the time. I don't want that. But I can't just accept it like he never did anything wrong. I have a very loyal sort of personality. I don't tolerate any wrongdoings against people I'm truly loyal to, like my mother and my best friend. I've manage to tolerate him for the past three of four years, but him coming back into our household is seriously pushing the envelope. And I realize that I "need" my father in my life, but not in the way that my mother thinks. I don't need him emotionally. I've done my emotional maturing without him. My emotions don't factor him into the equation, and I don't need him that way. He doesn't make me happy. I don't need him. And I almost feel bad, because although my mother tried to have us maintain a healthy relationship with him, she didn't exactly help with the way she always told us about how he did bad things to her, or whatshit. (By the way, whatshit: my word, equivalent to whatnot. Only better. ;p) Whether she realized it or not, she fostered a feeling of resentment in me just by seeing and hearing how much he hurt her. If she honestly wanted to have us maintain a healthy relationship, then she wouldn't have said, "Your father did a lot of bad things to me, but I can't tell you until you're older. I don't want you two to have a bad relationship."

I think in a divorce, whether they want to or not, the parent who retains custody of the child instills the resentment they feel towards their former spouse in the child or children. The child is the closest one to the parent, and the one that hears first all of the parent's emotions. So, unconsciously, the parent says things that subconsciously make the child turn away from the one parent towards the one they see the most, the one who has custody. I'm not blaming it on my mother, but it is partly her fault if I don't want my father in this house. She needs to understand that, but I don't think she does. I can't say it to her because she's so set in her idea that I have to forgive my father and give him a second chance, that she can't see the reasons why I feel how I feel. That's why I asked her for a psychiatrist a few years ago. She said she would, too, when she was getting the divorce. She said if we ever felt like we needed a psychiatrist, to tell her, and she would get one for us. I guess that was a lie, because I've asked her at least three times for a psychiatrist, and each time she asked me why. I told her because I needed someone to talk to. She said Talk to me. I said I can't talk to you because you're the reason I need someone to talk to. She got upset. So I dropped it.

I think that's why I came up with the people I talk to in my head, as substitute psychiatrists. A way for me to reason with myself without actually talking to myself. A different perspective, I guess. I just needed someone to talk to who would listen to me without judging. And as much as I love my friends, I can't talk to them. Not even my best friend, because, though I love her, she's not the best listener. She'll find every which way to change the conversation to herself. And sometimes I just need her to listen. Which is when I switch over to mental mode.

Okay, I really sound crazy, don't I. Well, here's something that's not crazy: I hate the Jonas Brothers. They suck. They are talentless boy-band clones. Everything they do has been done to death fifteen million times before. And they're not that cute. -_-'