Last night, I went to band for four hours. I went home, still had some homework-an essay and an article reaction paper-to do, didn't do it (as per the norm), went upstairs to my room, read fanfictions and listen to Mozart's Requiem in D minor until twelve in the morning, and went to bed relatively happy.
I woke up this morning, had pizza and milk for breakfast, listened to some more Mozart, and got ready for school, still feeling relatively alright.
I head out to the bus, and sudden I get the overwhelming urge to kill someone.
Seriously? I thought I was over this. I guess even the best of us relapse sometimes.
It's not even like I have any directed anger towards any one person. It's just...a general urge to destroy something, preferable something living. Maybe it's because I've been rather fed up with the human race in general over the past few days. How human beings can allow other human beings to live in poverty, in situations where not even the most basic needs are met. It frustrates me to think that there are people living in the world with billions of dollars that they don't even need or use, while children under the age of five are dying in the streets. On the whole, the human race rather disgusts me.
I tried to stay away from things (read: people) that set me off. I didn't want to say anything to someone in anger that I may regret later, you know? But then there are those who would get mad at me for ignoring them...whatever. I hate these kinds of moods, because if I tell people I'm in a bad mood, they start asking what's wrong, but nothing's wrong, I just want to murder you and tear the flesh straight from your throat and watch mercilessly as you choke on your last vestiges of life. That's all.
Then there are the people that know how not to bother me when I'm in this kind of mood, and I'm grateful for that.
I feel a little better know than I did before, partly because I spent last period looking up pictures of blood and gore, partly because I'm writing. I'm about to take a nap, too, so that might help.
Also, I have no school tomorrow. But I still have band, as well as homework.
It's not as bad as it used to be. It used to be that I couldn't even stand to talk to people, I was just so absorbed in thoughts of killing. But I have much more self-control, and I can lie to myself a little better. Plus I've got my Council and my Team. They help me stay in line, and calm me down a lot.
...I'm not crazy. Am I crazy for thinking like this? I don't really care. As long as I don't act on my thoughts, all is well. And as for talking to people in my head...I know technically, it's just me talking to me through made-up characters, but everyone talks to themselves. I just happen to have created different personalities through which to do so.
I am not insane. Mildly disturbed, maybe. Psychotic potential? I don't know. I might not be okay by some standards, but we like me just fine.
Murderously yours,
La Fee de Morte
