yaay

sunday was a crazy day! it was the first day i worked with my love since he became my love and it was odd lol. but thats just because i still wasnt sure if anyone at work knew about us....and because all i wanted to do was tackle and cuddle him :P but yeah. it was fine. So usually i come in at 6 AM.

yes, dear LS who has struggled for years with her sleeping schedule wakes up at 5 AM every morning now, just to be at work at 6 AM. :P can you believe it? i cant. O.o; seriously. i only get like 5 hours of sleep every night and somehow i function normally. although i guess im not as lazy and young as i used to be.

but yeah, so sunday is the busiest day at my work. not only did i work a stressful 8 hours like usual, but i also agreed to help my boss out a bit and put together the new menu's. O.o well that took freaking forever. i was there until 5 PM! thats 10 hours of work. and you know what? when i got home i was still going! i didnt get to sleep till like 12 in the morning xD and woke up at 5 AM on monday.

so here i am, 10:30 at night on monday. dont ask me how many hours of sleep i have gotten these past few days xD i dont even want to think about it. But tomorrow is my day off and i am spending it with my love so i cant wait.

Also at work, we had our annual evaluations. Everything of mine came out at "exceeds expectations" and she didnt have one bad thing to say about me. i am so proud of myself *.* i just realized that when i set out to work really really hard when i got this job....i succeeded. which is funny because if you have been reading my blog for a long time, you know i usually hate myself O.o not any longer. quite the opposite. but yeah, so i also got a good raise ^___^ and i sure do love money so yay.

so yeah, as i said...tomorrow is my day off. usually i dont have tuesday's off. in fact, usually my next day off wouldnt be until thursday! but my boss loves me and just happened to give me and ron the same day off :P and i know she did it on purpose because she is actually excited that i am dating him O.o;;; but anyway, sleeping in is in order, a really long hot shower and then i be stealing my parents car to go see ron. he wants to have a picnic if it isn't so cold. and i realized he is amazing because he can cook and he thinks up simple romantic things to do like picnics and pumpkin carving and stupid fun things i would never think of doing together lol. O.o;;;

well. i suppose i dont have much else to say. have a wonderful day my loves.

just some thoughts

this year has been the year i was waiting for. After i dropped out of high school i was honestly just a broken human being. I had a lot of anger and hate and basically just all of these miserable unpleasant feelings inside of me. and at that time, i looked at life as some horrible challenge i had to overcome. I felt as if life just...didn't want me to be happy. And so i hated it. I hated every day more and more, but i didnt give up back then, simply because i didnt even know how to give up.

its amazing what one human being can endure. It really is. We will all have our struggles and difficulties....at some point. i suppose mine just came at an early stage in my life.

beleive it or not, i kind of...look back at my past and i do not wish for it to have been different.

Because while i may not be the smartest girl, or the prettiest, i may not have any special talents and i am not athletic, and i have very little to my name... the one thing i can always love on this earth is myself. because i am trully proud of myself.

So it turns out, when i just decided to let life play out and not think about...the future. i was able to turn all of those horrible feelings into something much more grand. I somehow...connected with those feelings and told myself "this is ok, you dont need this feeling...just let it go"

its hard to explain without sounding crazy now that i think about it. But i am one hell of a calm person now. and i tell you....it is really hard for me to get that sad anymore. and when something bad happens, i just take it in, and go with it.

and i dont know, i just feel like i have....found a way to live again.

And while i hated life back then, i could never hate it now. The way i see it is completely different now. and all i want to do is love it and embrace it. and learn what i can get out of it. because all i want to do is find and experience new things. and i think thats what life should be. just...an endless search of...yourself.

ugh. i dont even know what im rambling about. i need sleep. ill try an update a bit more nowadays ^^

wow.

i dont even remember what i put in my last post.

But right now, me and ron are officially a couple. i think its kind of crazy.

the other night we just laid and cuddled and talked and he can be the cutest thing ever.

and while our first kiss wasnt amazing and romantic...it was still ok :P and it led to a lot more kisses.

and i suddenly wondered....am i good kisser? i have to say, i have been told i am but for some reason i am questioning it now lol!

i dunno what to say about it all, other then im just...excited for the future.

i am the happiest i have been in....well i very very very long time. Not since i was a kid did i feel this happy. its amazing.

and NO it isnt just because of him. its just...the way life is at this moment i guess. nothing is super horrible or even just kind of bad. which is odd.

Ron gushing #2

2 posts in a row! amazing isnt it? lol.

So now i am lost. When you fall for someone, and then learn more about maybe...there faults. you know, like the bad things about them....what do you do? should i just wait and see how it plays out? all the while both of us just...falling even deeper for each other :P i guess im just...afraid of where this relationship will go. In the beginning i ended up glamorizing the whole thing. Thinking Ron was some amazing guy who could change me.

I wont tell you what his flaws are, but i will say that they really kind of hit a sensitive spot in me. its honestly something i have tried very hard to get away from in my life. and here it is, in the form of my amazing guy.

He is a smart guy, but i can only envision where his bad habits will lead him in the future.

you know what? in things such as that....i can only reassure myself that i wont do those things. and that in the end, he is the ron i know and love anyway. and who knows, maybe i can do a bit of changing in him.

on a side-note. this whole thing is feeling surreal. i have never felt this way about someone. its completely new to me. i still...dont know how to go about it. sometimes i just wish we were officially together so i could smother and cuddle him with my love every single moment :P

but because we work together, and because he is 8 years older, and because i am totally shy...i know it will take quite awhile to actually...be where i want us to be.

if it even goes that far :P although i will be heartbroken if it doesn't. im confident though.

so getting past all that. i have been completely out of touch with my writing. But i recently have been reading some of HP lovecrafts short stories. and now i want to just...create my own novel of short stories =3 november is coming up, and for those that dont know. november is the national novel writing month where you can make an account at www.nanowrimo.org and try and write your own novel of 50k words in one month! for a writer...its an amazing experience.

so i think this year, im just going to do a whole novel of short stories that in some way....connect with each other. i havent worked out the details really lol :P

wow.

I know, i should update more often but hey, i only do so when i feel i really need to just...get with myself lol. I hope someone reads this though :3 if not, at least i had fun writing.

WELL. last blog entry i think i mentioned a guy i was interested in, a guy that was 8 years older then me. well, after a long while of just...being friends and getting to know one another...we kind of....went on a date today. lol.

I don't know what to say about it, other then it was...nice. we just sat and talked. and had coffee. he is a trip and i love it. he is way more outgoing then me, way more talkative, he is a people-person and i am not. but i think...he said he liked me. and he did ask me to have dinner with him or at least hang out with him again.

Through everything i have been through and shared with this website....i have grown. i feel like i know a lot more about the world then most people do, i have seen what its like to have nothing and no one, and i know what it means to truly hate someone and have someone truly hate you. i guess you could say that i have probably experienced and grown from all of the bad things life has to offer.

and it is now, where i am at a time in my life where....i feel like hating life is pointless. I feel like i need to love it, and find things on this earth to love.

Love in general, is one thing i feel completely out of touch with. and i guess...im just trying to learn how to love someone. You would think its the simplest thing in the world, maybe it is..maybe i just need a chance. i really hope Ron is someone who gives me a chance. because even though i havent known him that long, he has opened my eyes to....a different way of living. and he makes me want to be infinity happy.

I am only 18...i dont know what on earth i can offer him, but i hope it is enough.