this year has been the year i was waiting for. After i dropped out of high school i was honestly just a broken human being. I had a lot of anger and hate and basically just all of these miserable unpleasant feelings inside of me. and at that time, i looked at life as some horrible challenge i had to overcome. I felt as if life just...didn't want me to be happy. And so i hated it. I hated every day more and more, but i didnt give up back then, simply because i didnt even know how to give up.
its amazing what one human being can endure. It really is. We will all have our struggles and difficulties....at some point. i suppose mine just came at an early stage in my life.
beleive it or not, i kind of...look back at my past and i do not wish for it to have been different.
Because while i may not be the smartest girl, or the prettiest, i may not have any special talents and i am not athletic, and i have very little to my name... the one thing i can always love on this earth is myself. because i am trully proud of myself.
So it turns out, when i just decided to let life play out and not think about...the future. i was able to turn all of those horrible feelings into something much more grand. I somehow...connected with those feelings and told myself "this is ok, you dont need this feeling...just let it go"
its hard to explain without sounding crazy now that i think about it. But i am one hell of a calm person now. and i tell you....it is really hard for me to get that sad anymore. and when something bad happens, i just take it in, and go with it.
and i dont know, i just feel like i have....found a way to live again.
And while i hated life back then, i could never hate it now. The way i see it is completely different now. and all i want to do is love it and embrace it. and learn what i can get out of it. because all i want to do is find and experience new things. and i think thats what life should be. just...an endless search of...yourself.
ugh. i dont even know what im rambling about. i need sleep. ill try an update a bit more nowadays ^^
