I came back! And my mind is blown!
Lemme start at the sort of beginning....
You see, I went to an art camp at my college because I received e-mail information about it from my art professor for next term. It sounded fun because ZOMG figure drawing for 6 hours a day....from LIFE! HOLY CRAP! SOUNDS SO FREAKING EXCITING!
And it was! But I looked around at all the other artists around me, not only were they much older than me (okay, to be honest a lot of them looked like they were in their 20s, but there were older artists there too) but their art was AMAZING! I felt so intimidated so I didn't talk to very many people, even though I tried to. It's hard to talk to people who are that extremely skillful...it's like...I can't speak my lowly words of an unskillful person....
But at some point I did 'cause I was super frustrated with an oil painting portrait I was doing. So I complained to a man next to me that was doing a charcoal sketch. He said to 'paint shapes' which I will forever remember now and helped me improve SO MUCH. By the day afterwards I made a face that was just a glob of paint on a board into an actual face (which was ruined later today when I was on my way back 'cause it was still wet..;orz).
Here it is (if ya wanna see):
(It looks like it was probably a good painting...and it wasss!! ;3; The nose was meh fave parrtttt)
My art professor kept introducing me to all these people who I had no clue about 'cause I thought the art camp was just a bunch of art students from other classes or schools...
Welp I was totes wrong. The person I was talking to who helped me bunches (even painted a 10 sec portrait on my tabouree to illustrate a point he was making which was superb despite himself saying it looked terrible, it wasn't, twas totes helpful) painted things like this:
I-I didn't know he was actually famous...;m;
To be honest I don't really know anything about the artist community of America...I probably should but...mehhh I feel like the majority of it is just paintings from life. I consider those 'studies' not actual paintings...Which is probably very wrong in many people's opinions...but still. I mean, if that's all it is, why not just take a picture? Because the brush strokes are beautiful? Or the arrangement? It just feels like interesting techniques or ways to take a creative photo...but not the art I'm looking for. I'm looking for creative stuff that doesn't exist in reality!
And then there was another artist I found really intriguing because he really just painted in shapes which somehow turned into the human body. Like...h-how did you know those colours would work with eye to get that look? And he was so intricate about it, too...;3;
Anyway...he does this stuff:
Wut? WUT? THAT'S WHO HE WAS?! I-I can't believe I was standing next to these people and didn't realize how amazing their art was...;3; I mean, I can totes see that from their paintings in front of me, but like....I didn't realize what they were known for...guhh Now I feel bad.
The first day we had to wear a name tags...and...Guys when I talk to people I either look at the ground or at their faces, not their chests. I don't read people's shirts unless I am in a certain mood. So I had know clue who anybody was...;orz
I think I was the only current student there (besides that models...who I knew...which was slightly awkward)...There were students who had graduated from Centre there, but it was mainly art professors...So lotsa help~! :D And intimidation. Imagine an art class where you are the only student and there's like 20 other people who are your professors...;3;
Besides the intimidation it was really fun~! :D I enjoyed working for so long and the time just flew by (sadly...;3;) I learned a ton of stuff and I would really like to do this next year!
HOWEVER! What wasn't so great for me was that I got a single dorm room....not roommate...wut? I wanted a roommate! That's why I paid for dorm (and it was cheaper). It was pretty nasty too. Bugs everywhere in the bathroom at night (and in the morning).
My friends were there. My friends who I had been dying to see all summer (even though I spammed the crap outta them on skype, it's nicer to talk in person). We had loads of fun on Saturday 'cause my other friend was there visiting. Then sunday was sad 'cause she left. Sunday and Monday I was hoping to hang out with my friends so I wouldn't have to stay in that lonely creepy dorm room all night. However, they decided to play some board game with their other friends and wouldn't invite me because it's 'too nerdy' or 'really long'...
Saturday was nice, but even then they did stuff without me. Like, I mean, this wasn't really unfair since I was busy. But they went out to eat brunch at a restaurant and invited me, but I couldn't go because I had to go back to do mah art thang. Then they invited me (actually my other friend who was visiting invited me) to play a tabletop RPG which was extremely fun (I like me some RPGs) but they started without me so I had to choose a character they had already made up and didn't let me make up my own character (it'd take too long)...
Honestly, if they knew me at all they'd know that me creating a character would take less than 5 minutes 'cause I have a thousand characters under my belt! >3> Plus I usually give my characters stats ('cause why not? It makes sense)....fehh
So I was quite depressed most of the time when I wasn't in the art building. I cried to sleep most nights 'cause I felt so lonely and far away from comforts and happy things...I've never felt so lonely before in my life.
I feel awkward around them now...I mean, I don't think they meant to make me feel that way, they probably didn't realize it...but I am tired of being the 'third party friend'...that's how I've been all my life. I want some friends to stick to. Friends that I can do anything with and count on them to be there for me, but my only friends like that are far away right now (or will be) in other countries...
You see, I move around a lot and so I am always coming into 'friend groups' as the 'new person'. I think in high school I was for kinda the person people stuck to, but I think that's just my friends were younger than me and might've looked up to me? I dunno. But I was always the outsider. Now that I have friends that I respect and admire extremely, I feel like they are doing the same thing to me that everyone does.
Then that makes me thing 'what is the point in socializing?'
Guhh...I am trying to get bad thoughts out of my head but they keep coming back...I already wasn't feeling so happy when I went to the camp and now I am feeling even worse (not 'cause of the camp, heck no, that was great). I want to run to someone or run somewhere that is in my comfort and the only thing I can find is the internet. But that isn't a place, that isn't a human being, it doesn't satisfy me. I can't steal the internet's glasses, I can't make the internet feel awkward (lulz, that reaction's hilarious, I like making my friends feel awkward). I can't go to the internet as a comfy place to sleep and hide from bugs.
My comfort zone is a clean room with beige walls, shiny pale wood flooring, and a window bringing in the bright sunshine. But I don't know where that exists, so I feel I can never feel comfortable.
Welp, this got long...Sorry for the rant...Honestly I dunno why I ranted since it didn't let off any steam and I feel pretty much the same. But maybe some of you guys feel the same way and I can have a moment of understanding~! :D
