Blowin of steam~ Steam boat willy~ :D
My school year starts up again next week-ish (technically next next week but I gotta actually move in) and I am both excited and terrified. Because it's my last year and most of the applications for jobs I want will be in my first semester (although some will be after I graduate if I feel like waiting that long...)
Also I get to see some of my friends from Japan again~ :3 I am super excited to see them again and I know they are super excited to experience college life in America. I am also mentoring one of the students who I have never met before so I will have new friends~ :3 YAY FRIENDSHIP!!
But recently I have been dumb and lazy...>3>
So my life plans for after graduating are basically: get a job so I can live in Japan. I just want to live there on a working visa so that I can apply to work as an assistant for manga artists while working on my stuff (honestly I would be happy working as a manga assistant for the rest of my life, I wouldn't mind that, but it'd be nice to publish my own manga if I can).
There are many things I have preparing myself to apply for. I have a bunch of places I want to apply to and I just need to wait for the application periods to be open. That is stress for later...
However I also wanted to apply for Fulbright just for the heck of it even though I know I will never get it. The main thing is that I can put the fact that I applied on an application for a job and it'll look like I am really a determined sort of person or whatever. 'cause it takes a lot of apply for Fulbright.
Unfortunately I did not know or understand Fulbright until recently and it sounded like way too much stuff...and just weird vague rules everywhere...just so many questions so I emailed people and waited for their replies back. This sounds like a reasonable thing except that I am stupid and this is during the summer and I was supposed to go to the meetings for it last year.
It turns out the deadline is the 16th of September which isn't far away. I don't have anything done. I have to write two essays (only have drafts), get a letter of affiliation from the university I would like to study at (e-mailed some people but haven't heard back because I sent it during people's break times...because I am stupid...), and have 15 finished pieces of art for the portfolio....
ughhh...
It would be a good idea to do it and I am trying my best to get it done but it is so stressful and I can't even sleep at night because I just keep getting thoughts over and over again about how stupid and lazy I am.
It's making me feel sick...
And the even stupider thing is that it shouldn't. The only reason I am applying is so that it looks good on my resume. There are other things I can work hard on to put on my resume. Like I can ask to be a TA for the japanese classes so I can get teaching skills or see if I can work at afterschool stuffs. There are lots of opportunities on my campus.
The problem I have with the whole thing is emailing people. I email that I am interested thus the professor gets excited to help and in the end I don't get anything. I just feel bad for bothering people...I know it's just an email but still. They took the time to read it and care about my feelings enough to reply...>3>
I have decided to see what I can do up until that deadline and if it doesn't work out (which I feel like it won't since I still have no replies from anybody) then I can just use the artwork that I made for my senior portfolio for art.
I am literally stressing over something that isn't a big deal. The only thing I am stressing over is my own pride.
When I tell people I am going to do things (not on the internet, I got a habit of saying I will do stuff on the internet and then forget it and do homework instead...;orz) I have to do that because I said so. I don't like saying that I was too ambitious and was unable to do it. It's like losing a battle...but I made up the battle...
In other news I finished about 90% of the manga I was working on this summer. I still have some tweaking, the story is weak in some bits so I need to draw new pages, some of the details are missing, and my japanese is messed up on a few pages. I am putting it on hold for now because applications and school stuff.
In other other news...I am super lucky with my classes this year because all of them start in the middle of the day, are all in the same building (which is next to my dorm), and are all art related~ Two art history classes which means two classes I need to dedicate to studying and writing good papers. Two studio classes.
A class for studying and a class for destressing over studying (or stressing about materials and cleaning and whatever...but meh, I do that anyway). Balanced~
Although I have more problems on top of that. Apparently the two classes I need for my minor are not offered this year...>3> And honestly it wouldn't be a big deal but my mom is super pissed at me if I graduate with a major in art (which actually super beneficial in attaining a visa to work as a manga assistant). So she wants me to have a minor in Asian Studies (which I don't really understand how that is much better than an art major) so that I guess I might be able to work in government or something?
This all lead me to have a break down yesterday and confessed my dreams to my mom. Which she always knew I had but I dunno...it was weird...like, this is probably rude of me to say because I actually don't know, but it kinda did feel like I was coming out as gay to my mom. I am heterosexual so I wouldn't know how that felt, but it was like telling my mom and expecting her to be majorly disappointed in me. Telling her something that I thought would hurt her for some reason...which I was wrong...but I felt I needed to tell her so she would stop trying to steer me in directions that are wasting my time...
So yap...
Just stressing stressing...I really just don't want to do that application anymore...I would love it if nobody replied to me because I just don't want to get people's hopes up...because then it will get my hopes up....
Welp, that's how I have been feeling. I am actually a lot more excited for school, but I want the scholarship to be over and out of the way and it won't be...;orz
Thanks for reading my book, "Lala stress lala failure~ :D"
ADIOS~
