thank god for blogs cuz i would start yelling or be putting something on facebook...
well the reason i put it on fruit basket is for this reason: my family is bascily like the zodiac main family.... i say thing not jokingly but seriously... and in reality im the cat in the family...
those who know the story about the cat and the relation with the head of the family they know its not good. the head of my family would be my dad's mom... and she has the whole main family in her hands... and im the rebellious, standout cat that no ones wants to talk to or be with during family gatherings... my situation is very difficult to say but lets just say something bad happened and she blamed me for everything... this happen 4 or 5 years ago.. and at that time only the main family knew what (kinda) happened... my grandmother didnt look at me , nor talk or even thought i was there ... but now she acts try to act nice only cuz my father got mad at her for how she was treating me...
all that goes through my head is "what u think this changes anything , especially the way u treated me?" and etc. when it comes to me im not the sweets person if u get me mad and im bluntly honest. so my father is always afraid that im going to blow up at my grandma... all these feelings make me sick... so sick... like the cat... no one knows how i really am, the way i feel things, how i view things,., not even my best friend and my BF... im so tired of putting up a fake smile for eveyone and acting like things are alright... why cant i say how i really feel with out getting judge on it?
when i close my eys i see im floating on water but surrounded by blackness ... no where to go.. slowly i think ill drown in it... even my own parents judging me on stuff that accidently happens and there small stuff , saying its always the quite ones... thanks .. thanks.. i always knew deep down that parents love u but also really they dont really love u... even the slightest thing i look at with happyness they look down saying...
stuff like this, emotions..juding... actions.. all this they do to me .. sufficates me to hell ... they dont know nothing of what they do.. and theres nothing i really cant do... i want to leave this house soo bad.. leave and live on my own.. i know it would be hard and unsafe to do but reality is thaat i do things better by myself , relying on me only.. its the only way i cant get hurt or judge at...
going back to my family situations... every ignores me like im the black cat.. i realize now after 5 years its not my fault its that women fault i dont even blame "him" i blame that women and my grandmother. they made me feel back then.. horrible, discusting, sick..ugly.. weak... pathetic... and no on klnow that bc of that i tryed to cut myself... but every time i grab that knife, i see into the blade thinking no one would really miss me, sure the put on their sad faces but later no one who even remeber me or anything that has to do with me.. but i never did it...
life kept going on i became a different person then i was that 5 years ago.. i feel stronger, powerful to take on that situation with my grandmother... but not with my parents yet... even though i still feel lonely during family times i still will fight if that women or grandmother speaks ill towards me or anyone i care for.. i will not go down , i will fight even if its family , blood means nothing to me if someone else understand half my pains... blood can be washed way with water or can almost be washed away... even though that will happen like in fruit basket.. kyo dealt with the sohma family against him but had tohru who understand some of his pains ...
withihn the darkness is see the and feel the pain that drewlls inside of me that wishes to come out with out being judge by others.. to be able to give life to them for them to see light.... is there no one who i can tell of my feelings without getting judge by? is there such a somone who can lead me out of this darkness within my heart and save me from drowning within this water of my feelings? someone.. someone?
but still somethings that stuff cannot be shared with friends.. my darkness im surrounded in ... myself sitting in water only seeing blue rose petals around ... blue roses... i adore them because they remind me of my pain , the deep blue shows pain and tears that i have felt, the difficult in my life within them ... the shape of a rose shows the love that is diffcult to feel or release... and the uniqueness it is to grad soomething like the blue rose in real life... how out of place it is. how its not a real flower.. that is how i feel about my life.... no better words to describe it right now then a blue dark rose....
