I've not been sleeping good. It's 4:00 am here, and my body feels tired. I can't sleep though. I feel awake and tired all in one. This has been going on for a while, but the past 4 nights have been hell. The worst of the lack of sleep is when I actually do sleep. I awake from nightmares, drenched in sweat. My heart races and I pant for breath, but the nights are only filled with fear. One dream consisted of armed convicts escaping from prison and chasing me. Another was more of a painful fear. A fear of being alone. Those I care about abandoned me. Lost and alone in a place I don't know. Fear, panic, terror. I'm begining to fear sleep. Not really sleep, but the dreams. They terrify me. Watching your friend become captive of armed convicts is nothing good. Feeling the bang of their fists on the door as they try to come for you, but the paper thin door that should be indented with their fists keeps them out. Running in a panic, searching for an escape. Nothing to free me. Nothing but dawn. I miss the peaceful dreams. In the past four nights one night is all that I have managed to find a dreamless sleep. I went to bed early that night. The dreams that I have almos began to expect gave me release for one night. I'm becoming scared.
52 Secrets About Yourself
Be HONEST no matter what.
1. What is your natural hair color?
Sandy-blondish brown with magical tints of red
2. Where was your ID pic taken?
The court house
3. What's your middle name?
Noel
4. Your current relationship status?
Single... lmao
5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
Heh, funny you should ask... I HAVE NO FLIPPING CLUE
6. What is your current mood?
tired
8. What is one thing that makes you happy?
Listening to music and talking to friends
9.Who was the last person you cuddled with?
I haven't cuddled with anyone in real life in years... O_O
10. If you could go back in time, and change something what would you change?
Something I'd rather not talk about.
11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day-
A penguin :D
12. Ever had a near death experience?
Yes, when I was like 3. I don't remember things from when I was little, but THAT I remember. Was very scarey.
13. Something you do a lot?
Say "lol" and "I know." I also play with my hair alot.
14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
Mario RPG song.. -__-
15. Who did you copy and paste this from?
Heartz lol... silly niecie..
16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
Michealangelo. Yes, the artist.
17. When was the last time you cried?
About two days ago. Stupid mood swings.
18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yes. I have sang in church, at school, in the middle of a parking lot, in the middle of McDonalds, and so forth.
19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
To fly... I want wings too... :D
20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Usually their eyes, followed by their body... I'm weird =/
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks/Tim Hortons?
I don't usually go to either.
22. What’s your biggest secret?
I can't tell you, or it won't be a secret anymore, will it? :P
23. What's your favorite color?
RED!!! RED!!! RED!!! RED!!!
24. When was the last time you lied?
About 30 minutes ago... it was just a little one, but a lie none the less.
25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Sometimes... I don't really watch T.V. very much.
27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Drinking water...
28. What's your favorite smell?
Fresh Linen
29. If you could describe life in one word what would it be?
Mysterious.
30. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Virtually about 10 seconds ago, in real live... I don't know. =/
31. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
no
32. What are you thinking about right now?
Just some guy... lol.
33. What should you be doing?
Finishing cleaning my room, but Iz hurtz muh back. D:
34. What was the last thing that made you upset?
Men, what else? lol
35. Do you like working in the yard?
Sometimes...
36. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
Ferdinand... lmao... I think it's awesome. lol.
37. Name 5 things in your closet:
pajama bottoms, jeans, shirts, luggage, and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs (a gift from a friend, because she thought it was funny)... lmao
38. Do you act different around your crush?
Not really... I act like me... I just get a bit shy...
39. When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?
I think I was about 13, and that was a teddy bear named Josh. He was given to me by my uncle the Christmas before he passed away.
40. How many times do you take a shower a week?
Everyday most of the time, sometimes I might skip a day... =/ I don't like being nasty.
41. Do you brush your teeth everyday?
Sometimes I forget when I'm in a rush or busy... but I hate not brushing my teeth... *gag*
42. Have you ever said something stupid infront of your crush?
Most definately.
43. Have you ever watched a hockey game?
I don't think so.
44. Do you lie about your age?
lmao... No, but I should. XD
45. Ever been jealous about something stupid?
Yes.
46. Do you pick your nose?
Not really... lol
47. What's the one food you hate?
ONIONS... *GAG*
48. What's the one junk food you cant live without?
Chocolate... ._.
49. How old were you when you found out Santa was fake?
I never really believed in Santa, even when I was little. I had asked my parents about it when I was like 3 and they didn't want to lie to me, so they told me the truth.
50. Have you ever blown your nose and looked inside it the napkin?
LMAO!!!! Yes, I have.
51. Describe your favourite underwear you have?
Well, this is an interesting question... lol. *shrugs* It's a pink lace pair of thongs with glittery butterflies and little frillies. They're really pretty. :D
52. Did you lie in any of these questions?
Not really... just exagerated the truth on a couple, but you will never know which ones... lol.
So, I was sifting through some old writings of mine and I found this. I figured it would be interesting to allow everyone to read, because I still think this way. lol. I wrote this probably my junior year in high school, or 11th grade for those who havent figured out the class ranks yet or dont know them. So this is what I wrote, and it still holds true for me today, for the most part. lol.
What is beauty? The literary meaning is that it is a philosophical concept, studied in aesthetics. However, if we were to compare what one man thought was beautiful to that of another we would find many variations. Does this mean that there is no true beauty? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder? However, what if the beholder could not behold it, for example, a blind man could not see if I was beautiful or ugly. Does this now mean that beauty is in the ear of the listener? I have heard some people say that some have a beautiful mind, does this mean that they can see the person’s brain, or even hear it?
This search for beauty has led us all down many wild paths, during the 19th century; there was the aesthetic movement, in which people began to seek a way to create beauty in art and literature without reference to their ordinary lives. Civilization yearned for beauty through conscious medievalism.
However, in today's world we see many dangerous approaches to beauty, not through art or literature, but through our minds and bodies. Many male minds have the "ideal" woman figured out in their minds as children; it is this carelessness that leaves many women yearning to be what they are not. Due to genetics and other factors many woman are not born with these ideal traits that most men search for. Woman, some lacking in mind and will power give into these selfish desires protruding the indulgent male mind. This I believe is why many women can be seen starving themselves and wearing clothes that are really, or can be, a health hazard.
The male mind has found a way to intrude into that of the opposite sex, and we have let them feast upon our weakness. Most women do not wear make-up to flash themselves off to other women, but to draw a man’s attraction towards her. After marriage, however, I have noticed that many do not continue this process of waking early in the morning just to put on some concealer and blush, this process in theory is due to the desire for beauty.
It is my theory, that all are beautiful, beauty is not beheld, heard, or thought, it is but a part of us all, attractiveness is not what makes people beautiful, nor is a person's mind. The idea that beauty is some type of attractive force is but a figment of imagination, we are ourselves, and thus we are all beautiful. We may all have different features, but in short, we are all beautiful, because we are what make beauty.
I think at the time I was being a bit sexist. It's not merely the male mind, but the womans. Men dont make women do things like that. We do it of our own free will, and we should be held responsible for it. Men didnt protrude into the female mind, we simply see things and think we should be them because we notice the attraction that people have towards it. It is our own weakness that makes us subjectable to these ideas. I really tried to lay it to men, weird kid. lol. Maybe I was mad at a guy or something, probably mad at Kris (guy I graduated with) and his ideals, that was common for me. I dont know.
The part that I still agree with is that the idea of beauty is in the mind. We all have different features or characteristics that we are attracted to, but that is our own personal preference. What is one mans trash is another mans treasure. Some people probably think Im uglier than a mud fence, thats okay (dont tell me that though, I will cry, it may not really matter, but I still have feelings), while to someone else I may be the angel of their darkened sky. (LMAO... like that would happen!) I just think that we all should take a look at what real beauty is. It is the people we love and things we feel adoration towards, that is true beauty. I just have to keep reminding myself that. :S This is just my opinion though, and Im not sure it was well expressed, but I hope you all understand. This is just something I thought was a tad interesting and thought I would share.
PS: Boys dont take offense this was like 4 years old. And I already discredited myself. I just thought it was an interesting piece of my old writing.
Today has been worse than yesterday. It started off okay, but then a video that reminded me of a friend started the dooms day. My friend died almost a year ago in a car accident. I took it pretty hard I suppose. We had grown up together and at one point in time we had had a thing for each other, but we never acted on it. So goes with the rest of my relationships, always the friend, never anything more.
We did all sorts of things together. There was this one time when I was about 14 and my mama made me gat a picture with Santa. She wanted the picture, so me and my sister took it. The man playing santa kept a copy of all the photos. Cecil, my friend, got ahold of the picture of me. He kept that picture. He would tease me to no end about it. He was a wonderful guy. I loved him very much, still do. He was taken from us too soon in my opinion, but we all must go in our own time, it was his time. His time just seemed too early.
He used to bring his guitar to school and sing to us (he was good), and he had the most beatiful eyes ever given to any man. I have NEVER seen such beautiful eyes. He was an amazing friend. I never realised how much I missed him, but I do. Sometimes I just want to have one of our stupid arguements about how DBZ was better than Sailor Moon. (I was for Sailor Moon, he was for DBZ.) He was my inspiration to start drawing years ago, of course they weren't very good, but he was the reason I started them. He could draw amazingly. It put alot of the art I've seen other places to shame. He could have been a pro probably. He was an amazing friend. Silly, but amazing.
After this I spent the day in tormented wondering, and feelings of complete helplessness. I've not been acting the way I should. I feel like I have caused problems for myself and others (this all had nothing to do with Cecil). I suddenly became cautious in the way I spoke to people. It had been bothering me for a couple of days. I'm beginning to wonder if I should take a break from the internet. I seem to be getting myself into situations where I do something stupid, and in turn get hurt. It's my own actions that hurt me. My actions leave me vulnerable, and so it is my fault. I just feel at my limit with some things. I'll sleep on it. Maybe some rest will make things come to light.
Today started out pretty good. I woke up at 8:30, my new rise and shine time and set in the living room for quite some time. I graduated yesterday, but I have still been so tired I could just pass out. I guess all the stress finally caught me. Good thing it waited until after finals. I just feel so exhausted. That horrible headache has finally went away. I suppose I was correct on the assumption that it was stress induced. If I start worrying again, they start coming back. lol. Im trying to stay as calm as possible about everything that's going on in my life. That's definately easier said than done, but it must be done.
Anyways, after setting around the living room for a couple of hours I came back into my bedroom, turned my laptop on and got on MSN. I spent about 1/3 of the day discussing depressing topics with some friends and ended up crying because I started remembering painful things. I hate remembering things sometimes. I'd rather be numb inside than feel the pain, but there is nothing I can do about it. It's more or less an akward feeling of loneliness. A feeling of complete and utter abandonment. I feel so alone at times that I wonder if there is any other existance, or just figmants of my immagination.
While talking to friends online there was a small peck on my door. My mama opened the door and brings me a small fuzzy creature wrapped in a towel. It was Yogurt, my duck. My baby had fallen into its pond and almost drown. Yes ducks swim, but Yogurt has hurt its leg.
So I hold Yogurt for a while and pet it till it goes to sleep. When it finally goes to sleep my mommy comes back for it. I then spent the rest of the evening contemplating relationships, depressed, and worried.
Most of my time was spent on MSN. The rest of the time was spent being weird as usual and talking to friends. I made my first post in The World Of Darkness, and I tried to keep track of things on Axel Alloy's forum. I'm a moderator on there. It's awesome. I think everyone should joing it. Alot of people from theO are joining it. It's a good site. For those who would like, you may join. Everyone is welcome. If you do join be sure to post an introduction in the welcome wagon, and also to read the forum rules. It's best not to breeze through them either, simply make sure you read them.
http://axelsworldofcrap.forumotion.com/forum.htm
All in all its been an okay day after I figured somethings out. Maybe I can make it through all this. Who knows? Everything that we go through is in preparation of times to come. Perhaps I an use this hell Im in now to do something.
