Today has been worse than yesterday. It started off okay, but then a video that reminded me of a friend started the dooms day. My friend died almost a year ago in a car accident. I took it pretty hard I suppose. We had grown up together and at one point in time we had had a thing for each other, but we never acted on it. So goes with the rest of my relationships, always the friend, never anything more.
We did all sorts of things together. There was this one time when I was about 14 and my mama made me gat a picture with Santa. She wanted the picture, so me and my sister took it. The man playing santa kept a copy of all the photos. Cecil, my friend, got ahold of the picture of me. He kept that picture. He would tease me to no end about it. He was a wonderful guy. I loved him very much, still do. He was taken from us too soon in my opinion, but we all must go in our own time, it was his time. His time just seemed too early.
He used to bring his guitar to school and sing to us (he was good), and he had the most beatiful eyes ever given to any man. I have NEVER seen such beautiful eyes. He was an amazing friend. I never realised how much I missed him, but I do. Sometimes I just want to have one of our stupid arguements about how DBZ was better than Sailor Moon. (I was for Sailor Moon, he was for DBZ.) He was my inspiration to start drawing years ago, of course they weren't very good, but he was the reason I started them. He could draw amazingly. It put alot of the art I've seen other places to shame. He could have been a pro probably. He was an amazing friend. Silly, but amazing.
After this I spent the day in tormented wondering, and feelings of complete helplessness. I've not been acting the way I should. I feel like I have caused problems for myself and others (this all had nothing to do with Cecil). I suddenly became cautious in the way I spoke to people. It had been bothering me for a couple of days. I'm beginning to wonder if I should take a break from the internet. I seem to be getting myself into situations where I do something stupid, and in turn get hurt. It's my own actions that hurt me. My actions leave me vulnerable, and so it is my fault. I just feel at my limit with some things. I'll sleep on it. Maybe some rest will make things come to light.
