He continues to munch on my breakfast as I toss the paper on the table and purposefully cross the kitchen. As I close in on him , he takes a last taunting bite and raises what is left of my bagel high over his head. " I was going to share, you know. That's why bagels are cut in half."
"They're cut in half to fit in the toaster."
Oh, to play his little game or not? Walking up to him, I act as though I'm going to press against him but quickly side step under his up stretched arm and grab another bagel. After dropping it in the toaster, I turn towards him, He's not the only one with a sly smile. I don't really have the chance to show mine off, before I turn all the way around I'm engulfed in the blanket. Held close, I know my bagel is going to burn and I don't care.
Lying next to him this time I actually do get to sleep. I am roused too soon by him reclaiming his arm. It's fallen asleep while I use it as a pillow. I suddenly realize that Time is not pausing and it is moving on through the day, and playtime is now or soon will be over. I'm shocked at how mixed my emotions are about this. What seemed so clear in the haze the last night, is now muddy, awkward and bordering on feeling like a mistake.
That dreaded feeling of what have I done starts deep down and before I can stop it, it must cross my face. I can tell because His face changes too, but differently than mine. There's no terror in his transformation, there's no questioning and no fear that this might have been a mistake. I see it, the sadness of his interpretation of my expression. I've wordlessly hurt him, and I can't take it back. Even as he gets up to leave, my pleading reach for his arm is ignored. Judging from his stance, his sadness is quickly turning to hurt and then to fury.
Suddenly I'm struck, I know this man well enough to read his posture, his body movement. Having watched him throughout the months, dancing with other people, drinks with our friends, dinner parties, hours upon hours of random, shallow social time. I've come to know him and I've realized too late that the only mistake I've made is my fear that is currently on the verge of driving him out of my room, my house and maybe my life.
Flopping back into my pillow, I groan loudly. Hiding in my burrow I shout, "God! I'm sorry! I freak out easily. Please, come back!" Before I sit up I know he's back in the room, silent though he may be. He dresses very quickly, and therefore has me at a disadvantage. "Why are you leaving?" I'm answered with an indignant laugh as he sits on the corner of the bed.
"Really? Why?" He echoes the laugh. We've moved well beyond morning after tension. He rests his elbows on his knees and covers his mouth as he continues. "You... You..." I see the words on his face even as he can't say them.
"I had a momentary freak out. I realized that this is just a moment and it's not going to last. That scared me...and I am not sure why." He looks at me and I can see that I don't seem to be helping my case. "Listen," his eyes narrow and I pause and sigh. "Please listen to me. I'm broken, and it's been a long time. Not since... this," I motion toward the bed, "but since I have been scared. You're not some stranger. You're not the drunk guy from the bar." He lowers his hands and I start to hope. That is until he runs his hands through his hair and stands in a hurry, huffing loudly. It almost seems like a growl.
I sigh loudly and go back to my pillows, expecting him to leave. "I'm not scared, ya know," he says as he resumes his seat on the bed. "I... I've kept my eye on you, ya know. Not in a creepy way, at least I hope not. I have seen the strangers, and I'm glad I'm not one, I suppose. What does that make me though?"
I feel him staring at me, even hidden in my pillow fortress. Eventually I move the pillow covering my face revealing the sly smile he missed earlier, "It's a mystery, and you know how I like a good mystery." Finally, a genuine laugh and I chuckle my own relief from under the pillow just before I feel the pressure of his hand gripping mine. He pulls me up towards him into an embrace and kisses my forehead, all the while laughing at me. His fingers run down my back and it seems to make him aware of my clothing disadvantage. I'm certainly much more attuned to it. Breaking away from him, I beam him a winning smile and shoo him from the room so I can dress.
