I want to get over this freaking fear of choking on food, but i want to at the same time. I dont understand. I've had this fear since the 6th grade, got completely better for about a year, and then it came back again in the 8th grade. Had such a shitty time in high school. I never allowed myself to eat in the cafeteria, ever. period. I would go to the nurses office and eat there. I would spend my lunch period eating in the nurses office, purposely avoiding my friends so they wouldn't see me be all anxious when i ate. I could be as anxious as i needed to be in the nurses office, I could perform any 'rituals' that i needed to without feeling weird. Why? No one was watching me. So it was okay.
4 years, my lunch period was spent in the nurses office. 40 minutes of my life wasted. Not studying extra or hanging out with friends.
Parties at my friends house, going out to eat with my friends- what would i do? Eat before hand. "Rachel, why aren't you eating" "Oh don't worry about it, I ate before hand". Everyone was like, you don't eat that much, you're such a picky eater. It's not my fault.
It's not my fault that every time I eat I feel like something gets caught in my throat. It's not my fault that when I feel something get caught in my throat, I get anxious enough to the point where I feel like I can't breathe. It's not my fault that when I feel like I can't breathe, I'm afraid i'm going to die. So what is my problem? Afraid to eat food because i'll choke and then die. Of course this fear is irrational. I'm well aware that it's irrational, but your mind plays tricks on you.
I have to say without anti anxiety/anti depressant medication- i probably wouldn't be here today. Of course i've had suicidal thoughts. And at the moment, currently, I feel like i may be going down that path again (suicidal thoughts). I know now that I would never attempt to hurt myself or kill myself, but I feel extremely depressed.
Why do I feel depressed- I have no fucking clue. There is no reason for me to feel depressed. I only skipped my medication for 2 days. I would have to skip it for about a week and half or so for it to be out of my system. I went to the store the other day with my mom. My mom's like "You need to get a bathing suit, it's summer time and you don't have any" I dont feel comfortable with my body. I gained a shit load of weight.. I think i gained like 10 pounds in the span of a month (not necessarily a shit ton, but it wasn't pleasant) because some stupid fucking program that i went to. I gained that weight... and now I dont feel comfortable with my body. It's been that way for about 2 and half years now.
I'm looking at bathing suits with my mom, and i point out one that has a skirt on the bottom and my mom is like no. What. the. fuck. I start to get teary eyed in the store, and my mom's like why are you crying. Of course I say i'm not. She feels that wearing a skirt on the bottom as a bathing suit is something that i shouldnt be doing. I'm a teenager, i should be able to wear a bathing suit and feel comfortable. BUT she needs to fucking understand, that i will feel more comfortable wearing that skirt. I go in the dressing room, put it on, and just start crying. I'm going to wear it because i need to wear a bathing suit, but while i'm wearing that bathing suit, i'm going to feel so fucking uncomfortable.
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Something that i feel helped me. I went to college. The one thing I didnt want to do, because of this food problem. I was afraid i wouldnt find things to eat, I was afraid i wouldnt be able to eat in the dining hall with everyone else. I wasn't used to doing that because i ate in the nurses office every fucking day of high school. It was rough, i ate foods that were comfortable for me. I dealt with people saying, lolrachel your plate is so colorful. They said this sarcastically.. I had rice, tuna, eggsalad on my plate. Why? Because that's what i felt comfortable eating infront of others. It got better during the schol year, I sometimes ate a sandwich here and there, but it was mainly the same food. I think it was just an accomplishment to eat the food in the dining hall with everyone else. Of course there were times that i felt anxious while eating... sometimes i needed to ask someone to come downstairs with me to help me relax a little bit. I think every meal at school i had a panic attack, some were worse than others, but it's never encouraging to feel anxious at every meal. sometimes i walked into a meal feeling anxious because i knew i had to eat... that didn't help either.
I feel like I've missed a lot of the social aspect of high school which has made me somewhat socially awkward now. I have friends that i love a lot. But there was a period of time where i just stopped taking my medication in the 11th grade and barely went to school. Almost nca'd all of my classes. It was the worst experience of my life. I would sleep, cry all day. And right now, i'm terrified that i'm going down that path again, because i've just been crying every day.
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some things that piss me off... in school, my friends make fun of me. not in a mean way, in a joking way. they sometimes say rachel, you know we love you we're just joking. I'm not the most educated in music. I dont listen to a lot of music. I only listen to things that catch my attention. I dont know the names of specific bands or specific artists, it never interested me to learn about them. But when people are like rachel, wtf you don't know who this is? RAIL. they say that instead of fail, they put my first initial instead of the f.
There was one time at this coffee shop, my friend was performing so i went. But after that people wanted to have a movie night in my friends dorm.. i didnt want to go, i just felt too depressed. i locked myself in my dorm room, played depressing music and cried.
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Another thing that's really pissing me off and making me upset is the fact that my parents are telling me that i'm not doing anything. It's not my fault that the economy fucking sucks. I'm trying to find a job, i've applied to so many places. I've gone back to them because i haven't heard from them, even though they've said they're hiring. Then they go and say, oh we're not hiring. It just pisses me off that my parents keep saying you're not doing anything when i'm trying to find a fucking job. It's not that easy, and they dont fucking realize it.
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I dont know what else to rant about, but i am feeling better now... sorry if you read this... it's just a ramble, sorry if it made no sense at all.
