Please check it out i beg of you if u didnt ;~;...
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Today wasnt any better than yesterday or the past 2 weeks or so or whatever. I'm still depressed, i still come home and cry my face out for hours, then i take a nap, then i come online and talk and cry some more and then i go to sleep. Im trying to do my homework i just cannot concentrate at all.
Basically lets see.... the main issue that I have is eating. I'm not anorexic, bulemic w/e you call it. I have an anxiety disorder that's related to eating. Every time i eat i feel like im choking, so i'm afraid to choke on food. SO you're probably thinking, "wow that's really dumb." Eating food should be a simple, enjoyable, and social task.
I've had this fear of choking since the 6th grade cuz a candy scratched my throat i didnt even choke on it. Went to a psychologist for less than a year and the problem went away completely. 8th grade came around and it was passover (jewish holiday where u cant have bread and w/e) And i had matzah and it scratched my throat. So everything came back again. I couldnt go to band camp for marching band entering my freshman year of high school. Which was fine i guess. Started off freshman year rough. Barely ate anything, i think my lunch constituted of a little container of eggsalad or tuna fish and a juice box. So of course i wasnt getting enough nutrition to sustain myself.
I almost passed out in band class in Septemeber of my freshman year and my parents then realized we really need to get help on this. I've seen many psychologits and the only one that really helped was the one that did Cognitive behavioral therapy, where you bring food in and eat it with them. But the thing was i usually didnt follow through at home. But it helped, it made eating food easier. But anywayz, we stopped going to this guy at the end of 11th grade. Whatever skip a year and a half and such.
12th grade now. i have the problem still and it's worse. I dont know how the hell i'm going to college next year. I'm not concerned about missing my family and being homesick, because that's normal. What's abnormal is being concerned about is there going to be food for me to eat, am i going to have enough to eat so i dont pass out. Also, the past 3 weeks have been rough because I've spiraled into major depression. I practically NCA'd every class. Which means I have reached the point where i might not gain credit for my classes. But i talked to my social worker in school, and it's all going to be taken care of so i dont have to worry about that anymore. I just might have to have an appeal and that's about it, that might not be necessary either because she's going to talk to the Dean tomorrow. So hopefully that goes well.
I've been somewhat angry at my 'best friend'. Like she noticed something was off about me the other day. I mean really? I've been off for the past... month... now your saying something? She asked me what was wrong, and i appreciated that, but it was time for class to start so i couldnt really talk. After the class was over, i expected a follow up. did i get anything... no. So i kinda have been pulling myself away from her.
One of my closest friends now has been really great, so i'm thankful for that. Uhhhh lets seee... what shit goes on at home.
Usually when I have to be dragged outta bed every morning. I'm not tired i just dont wanna go to school. I have no energy, i know whats going to happen. i'll try to talk to my friends and they'll just talk to eachother and ignore me. I just have no urge to try anymore, i cant concentrate because of pounding headaches and my axiety.
When i come home from school i beg for the same dinner every night. Pasta. I know it sounds weird, but thats one of the few things that im' comfortable eating. And my mom will not get it for me as much as a scream, cry, curse her out, she wont get it for me.
today when i came home my dads like here:
"Have a cookie"
"I dont want that, I want pasta"
"Well you're probably not going to get that for a long time"
"How long like a month???"
"Take the cookie."
"HOW LONG?!"
"You're right about 1 to two months"
So that just pissed the hell outta me. I cried for like 2 hours when i came home, my dad gave me some medicine so i would come down and now i'm really drowsy, cuz those meds make me really sleepy, but they do relieve the anxiety (they're a temporary med).
The main issue though, is that my mom wont take me back to the psychologist until i'm taking my medicine steadily, but i dont want to take the medicine. It's pill, i'll gag on it or something. I would like to at least go see someone to talk and whatever, cuz i hate talking to my parents about it. They're fed up with it, i'm fed up with it. I duno if you had the same problem for about lets see... for about 6 years consistently wouldnt u be fed up to?
This is really just the jist of it, i'm sure i've skipped out on several things. Just basicall i'm overally depressed, exhausted, irritated, confused, not my usual self.
Trying to put on a happy act at school is getting harder and harder. Trying to be happy hear in chat is harder. So pardon me if i'm being moody, or upset. I just need people to talk to and if i ever lash out just.. i dont know tell a mod to kick me and i'll understand.
yea... so that's the jist of it. Sorry for the massive post, but i finally explained some of my life story to you.
Once again please check this out:
I was hoping for it to do a little better... but whatever i'm picky...
have a great day guys, sry for the massive post
~Rachel
