~Beadsville~

You will drown alone in the vast sea of excrement that your sad existence exudes

Aunt A, what you're about to read are my thoughts, written with my words.

I understand that you're hurting in the midst of mourning your father. But I will never accept that as a valid reason for your repeated lashing out at mom these past weeks. What truly sunk the boat was when you attacked mom while talking to me on the phone, the first time we'd spoken in well over 10 years, less than a day before we were due to visit the memorial site together to say our goodbyes to grandpa. It was devastatingly insulting to hear you praise my efforts to reach out to him in the 4 letters I sent as a very young child while at the same time question how mom could feel any love for him if she hadn't had any contact with him in 20 years.

- 20 years ago my grandfather called, drunk as always, telling mom he'd never loved her. Dad told him to never call us again if he was drunk and that was the last we heard from him. -

You refused to recognize that a daughter can love her father even though he pushes her away, spreads lies about her to strangers who then call and yell at her, who says he'd run her over with a car, just because you would never love someone who did that.

When I said "there are people who are well and beyond evil but still have people who love them greatly" you twisted my words and wondered how mom could have had such great love for grandpa when I said she felt love for him. I never said she loved him dearly, but rather in a way you sometimes can't escape because it's somehow ingrained into the very soul.

Over and over and over again you questioned mom's love, admonished her for not contacting grandpa, spewed your bitter acid over her feelings, and then you had the gall to wonder why she wouldn't share her grief with you. You, who denies her the grieving she's going through, you, who raises quarrel after quarrel , you, who sow seeds of discord in abundance between mom and grandma.

- Mom talked to grandma and was surprised to hear she wanted to attend the memorial, especially considering how profoundly and frequently she expressed hateful words about him, and figured that she's said her goodbyes when they divorced and went their separate ways. Grandma then talked about this with Aunt A who decided it was the most cruel thing mom could ever have said, after which they agreed that it was an extremely offensive action on mom's part. Aunt A called mom and exclaimed that grandma was extraordinarily hurt by mom's apparent accusation of grandma not having any love for grandpa and that mom had banned grandma from the memorial. Quickly following this she sent off a barrage of accusations and allegations regarding things from the distant past. Mom explained that she never meant it like that (nor had she said grandma shouldn't go to the memorial) and that her mind had been less focused since grandpa's death so she didn't think about any possible effect her surprise could've had. Not even after hearing that mom grieved too, despite the horrible relationship with grandpa, did she relent in her bitterness. Somehow they ended the conversation, mom phoned grandma in tears and apologized for unintentionally hurting her.

During all this mom never raised her voice or fired back any ammunition in terms of the injustices and hardship they've put her through over the years. -

You deeply disappoint me.

*****

After that phone call with Aunt A I was shaking violently with anger, tears pushing out of my eyes, my body clenching into a tight bundle of mass that left me unable to breathe. All these years I've seen how mom's reacted to their vial treatment, which angered me enough, but I was dangerously close to blowing apart all the mental barriers which contain my volatile rage and retaliate vehemently against them.

Thankfully for mom we never had to confront see them the following day because Aunt A decided in the wake of our talk that she couldn't accept how mom felt/dealt in regards to grandpa and said it'd be better if our families went on separate occasions.

So my family had our own memorial. Bought some flowers, left a card with a personal message from mom, and said goodbye to a man whom mom grieved as the father she never had. We did it quietly, respectfully, and dignified.

My boiling feelings lingered as mom tried to recover from this most recent ordeal. I thought of writing Aunt A a letter, similar to what you've read here, but realized the futility in doing so. That woman will never understand, never acknowledge anything beyond what she's decided to be law. Thought most importantly ... it won't make mom suffer less.

I'll back away from the fight. For mom's sake. I'll take the high road. Because I love mom. I will focus my energy towards positivity. And I will stand strongly by mom's side. Always.

Every day I love you more and more

I'm totally beat after psycho family drama, just a few hours of sleep last night, most of today spent in traffic and facing an early wake-up call tomorrow for a 7-hour work day. But I feel ok.

Once I'm caught up on my rest you'll be updated on "Mimmi's astonishingly amazing progress in self-restrain" and (one of millionz of reasons) why your friendship is so incredibly dear to me.

Title, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Do you know what's absolutely wonderful? When you're having a really nice dream that you wake up from but return to when you fall asleep again :3~

What totally sucks, though, is being reminded it's only a dream when it's time to get up for real ;_;

Something that's actually funny is dreaming about Chigo and later in the day hear he might be making a return to AP xD

*****

So this isn't actually a post since I've got nothing to really say, except Allmorpho's reluctance towards internet contact bemuses me. Or maybe he's just allergic to my advances. Hm.

Completely separate from that thought is the fact that I have a treasure chest filled with beads and stuff, which I'm beginning to tinker with. Mom got a pair of earrings that were made with a template. While they turned out nice I was kinda irked by the fact that I hadn't tried to use my own imagination from the get-go but, hey, it's been ages since my ideas were last directed in anything arts and crafts related with the intention of making it look more than decent.

And thusly I set upon attacking my treasure trove upon returning home from work! The end result is a ... uhm ... hair piece-jewelry-thing. Here, lemme give you a visual:

Aaaaand you'd see it from another angle if I could figure out how to add a second image without making it repeat the first one -.-:

image supposed to go here

I tried putting back my hair with it but it didn't quite fit around a full ponytail, but it'd totally work with half the set of hair and the rest free-falling across your shoulders. Or use it as plain 'ol decoration, much like you would an earring or a necklace ... Is it just me or am I starting to sound like an ad? >.>

Speaking of hair, mine needs color to wash away the blondness (no offense against the sexy fair-headed ones out there intended!). I've got the stuffs, just need mom to help me with it ^^

Oodles of Love to everyone!! :3

Engage

I live O.o

My grueling work schedule nearly broke me, though, as the following chart should indicate:

The 7-day stretch is what sealed the nail in the coffin, so to speak. After I nearly started crying for the fifth time on the Tuesday it seemed like a good idea to quit before a proper breakdown would ... break out :p

Lesson learned from this summer's 5 weeks of almost full time work? I'm not cut out for full time work xD At least not in an environment that constantly puts pressure on my panic-anxiety. It might be a different story were I stuck in an office with minimal social contact, who knows.

And part of me feels very proud of the fact that I pulled the train to a halt before it went over the famous cliff of mental doooooom. It actually physically shocked me to be that close and not jumping. Strange sensation, but a nice one compared to the alternative >.>

Being burned out is the reason you've not seen me around here lately but now that I'm rested there should be more activity from my corner :3

Tidbits :o

• I've misread soooo many things at work that it became quite dangerous. Mostly because words ended up immensely funny or disturbing. A sample of words that replaced very harmless ones include hentai, massacre, murderous cookies, blow job. Yeah....
• I worked until closing one day and the security guard who locks up after us asked which anime my ring tone was from O___O After ascertaining I hadn't imagined him using the word 'anime' I told him it was from Totoro. He grinned and said "The cat bus rocks"!!!! If it weren't for the fact that I had to be out of there and on my way home I so would've seized the opportunity to geek out, haha.

  The second time we crossed ways (again at closing time) he asked if his question had surprised me, which it certainly did, and we talked a little about anime while the other cashier put moneys away. I tried to include cashier guy to join us but he wasn't an otaku, sadly. Though he'd seen two Ghibli movies. Score! Security guard was currently watching "I think it's called Death Book" *giggle* and though it was popular among the ladies because "It's very Johnny Depp". That statement nearly had me doubled over.

• My eldest sister is working on vamping up her apartment so I helped out with painting the cupboard doors. When the time comes to slap paint on the walls I've enlisted my services to take some of the load off her back. She's not a practical person and it's only now that I've fully comprehended that ^^;
• With money in the bank and reduced price tag on the entire "Star Trek: Voyager" collection it shouldn't be too hard to figure out what I did. So far seasons 1, 2, 3 and 7 are in my possession and hopefully the others will arrive soon. It was a pleasant surprise to find that not only did my memory serve me right in regards to quality but it actually proved to be better than I remembered! :o (Because of a severe case of moron in the planning department of the scheduling responsible peeps at the channel which aired Voyager here in Sweden I missed most of season 6 and all of 7, so it'll be nice to see it to the end ;_;)

  As an added bonus the dvd-shop included a schway 3-d key chain with Voyager on it ^^.

• I have a treasure box filled with jewelery appliances, along with a bunch of other arts/crafts stuff that I'd like to get stuck into. I smell Tinkering Day :D

Lastly I'd like to send a huuuuuuge hug to Shimmy-Loo because he's a darling. Squeezes to Daggeroo and TC, too :3

And everyone gets smooches!

Nearly there

I haven't died just yet, but two others have (young person - brutally murdered / older person - died on the operating table). So. Yeah.

Work has taken up all my time. Will post how my schedule has and will look like ... whenever. Mom and dad has kept me alive by making dinner.

It's been way too hot lately. Working too much + too much heat = dying Mimmi. 30+ Celsius is not my cup of tea.

But dad bought me a ceiling fan.

Now I must eat ice-cream and crash.

Love.