So Today I set myself the task of making a time line of sorts on paper, just to get a clearer and objective view of my life these past 10 years. 'Cause it's kinda hard to think about things objectively when everything's in your head and fused with emotions :p

Managed to stick through it (you may pause reading here and lavish me with praise) until all the calenders had been looked at, all the papers/documents had some close inspection/verified things, leaving just the internet (blog) to add some oomph/accuracy/add-ons to the future finished product.

Since my brain/psyche has suffered so much from trying to keep track of events (ultimately leading to it refusing to work that function) it'll be interesting to see how it'll look and, more importantly, how it'll translate into showing others on a more tactile scale what's been going on with me and how I ended up where I am. Sometimes it feels like telling people doesn't allow them to fully absorb/grasp the level of intensity I've experienced things, which is kinda detrimental to understanding... anything. Properly, at least.

Going through this process really hammers home how much I want to gather all this material in a box and burn it. But I can't. Just as I can't change what's happened. Sadly that adds another layer to an already established anguish that needs to be explained to the people dealing with my "case". So many things are connected to, or a bi-product of, this long chain of events. I want to make sure that comes across loud and clear. Even if I have to relinquish my soft spoken self and scream at the top of my lungs!

I've been through rough patches before and weathered them all (more or less). This one caught me off guard/against my will, in a time of particular fragility, so it feels much more intense and insurmountable than previous bouts. Right now I'm not even balancing on the edge of the cliff; I'm in the water after falling and fighting my way to the surface. From now on it's a matter of willing myself into making it to the distant shore with a worn out body/spirit.

But then we'll have a bonfire on the beach :)