The Lord Shiggy Lemons proved His benevolence by setting up his faithful servant, Gendo Ikari, with a sweet pad on the outskirts of Moe Tokyo-3. And it was good.
But, lo, hark and hello, Gendo had been coasting by on the Lord of Moe's good graces for too long; it was time for a test that would prove how strong Gendo's faith was.
"Gendo Ikari!" The Lord of Moe said.
"I am here," Gendo said. "What is it? I am busy sitting around and looking menacing. Can it wait?"
"FOOLISH MORTAL," Shiggy Lemons bellowed. "Take your son, your only son, Shinji, whom you tolerate, and go to The Land of Frustrating Endings, and display him as an offering to the Angels on one of the mountains I shall show you."
Gendo considered this. He sat down, with his hands folded in front of his face. Sunlight glinted off his Sunglasses of Moe, and it was good.
"It will be so," Gendo said.
Gendo arose early the next morning, packed his things in his Car of Moe and took along two trusted friends, Kozo Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko Akagi, and Shinji; and, lo, he did also pack away his collection of pop philosophy and psychology texts to use as bait to attract the Angels. And it was good. And confusing.
The motley crew piled into the Car of Moe and set off onto the Highway of Moe, soon becoming stuck in the Traffic Jam of Moe. On the third day, the traffic finally cleared up, and Gendo could see the Mountains of Moe off in the distance on the outskirts of The Land of Frustrating Endings.
"Father, where are we going?" Shinji asked, not making eye contact with Gendo.
"Be quiet, sacrifice," Gendo said. "I mean, son. Soncrifice. Shinji."
And, lo, the last leg of the car trip was awkward indeed.
When the group arrived, they piled out of the car, and Gendo turned to Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko and said, "You two wait by the car. The boy and I will go deep into the woods and arrive at the Mountains of Moe, whereupon we shall pray for victory and steady supplies of Tang for the Evas. And then we'll come back."
"But why can't we come along?" Ritsuko asked.
"You must keep an eye on the Car of Moe so that it is not stolen by the Carjackers of Fail," Gendo said. "And if you came along, my son's head would indeed fill with dirty thoughts."
Gendo pulled Shinji through the woods, while the young boy dragged his feet and muttered insolently about his destiny. And it was annoying.
Gendo and Shinji soon arrived at the Mountains of Moe. At the base of the mountain was a flat rock exactly Shinji's size.
"Get on that rock," Gendo said, pushing Shinji onto the rock. He tossed Freud textbooks and Cliffs Notes versions of Nietzsche and Schopenhauer's works at Shinji. "Read those. You could stand to learn something for once while we pray."
While Shinji read, Gendo took a knife out of his pocket and sharpened it.
"Father!" Shinji said. "Did you know that the world is my idea is a truth that holds good for everything that lives and knows?"
"Whatever," Gendo said, testing the blade on his finger. A sliver showed on his finger, and a drop of blood trickled out of it.
"Father!" Shinji said. "The light philosophy and psychology books are here, but there is no lamb to sacrifice to the Angels. Where is it?"
"Oh, it's here," Gendo said. "You just can't see it yet. The Lord of Moe will show you when the time comes."
And, yay verily, the time did arrive. Gendo turned to Shinji, and his glasses did flash with murderous intent. And it was good. His thumb moved slowly up and down the knife's handle as he slowly walked toward the rock upon which Shinji read about the Oedipus Complex and understood many things. And it was weird.
"Father, what are you doing?" Shinji asked after Gendo put down the knife and tied Shinji to the rock. "Father?"
"Hold still," Gendo said. "Excellent. Now, this will sting, but hopefully not for too long. Don't get my jacket too dirty, either, brat."
When Shinji was secure, Gendo picked up the knife and thrust it downward with GARish force.
"FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shinji said. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
But, lo, just before the tip of the knife pierced Shinji, the Angel Kaworu Nagisa swooped down from the heavens and stayed Gendo's hand.
"Hark and hear my words, human!" Kaworu, he of a billion slash fics, said. "Do not lay a hand on this boy, for thou hast proved thyself to the Lord of Moe. He now knows that you fear him since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from him."
"I fear no man or god," Gendo said. He tried to stab Shinji once again and was again stopped by Kaworu.
"I will pretend that did not happen," Kaworu said. He pointed to the woods. "There is a suitable sacrifice wandering over there. Bring it here, and you shall be blessed."
Gendo walked to the forest. Rei Ayanami stepped out of the woods with a blank look on her face.
"Rei?" Gendo said.
"Yes," Kaworu said. "Don't worry -- there will be plenty of leftovers for later."
"Are you sure we can't just sacrifice my son?" Gendo asked.
And Kaworu did knock Gendo unconscious, untie Shinji and offer up Rei as a sacrifice to the Angels. And it was good. When Gendo woke up again, and he was back home, the Lord of Moe spoke unto him once more.
"GENDO IKARI," Shiggy Lemons said. "Because you have done this, and not witheld your son, your only son, from me, I shall bless thee with minor appearances in the final two episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion. And it will be good."
"Wait, what?" Gendo said. "What are you talking about?"
"SILENCE," the Lord of Moe said. "I will also bless you by making your offspring as numerous as the stars of heaven and as the sands on the seashore, although it will not matter because, well, you know."
"No," Gendo said. "I don't know."
But the Lord Shiggy Lemons did not listen to Gendo because he GTFO while the GTFOuting was good. And it was good.
